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g-off avatar 3:05 AM on 05.22.2010
Metal Gear Solid 1 Spark Notes

This started as a thing on the forums, but I figured it was funny enough to deserve a cblog of its own. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

So there's this guy who's a clone of this other guy (but he doesn't know he's a clone yet because he's like spiderman), and he killed the other guy who he's a clone of way back when, after the other guy told him to turn off his MSX2, which would have been totally freaky if the game weren't on the NES. Anyway, this guy who is you goes to alaska to rescue a military base from terrorists who are his old unit, and then you see a dude who looks like your dude only blonde get into a helicopter. Then a black guy tells you about metal gear and dies and your guy stares at an ass for a bit. Then a cowboy shows up and tries to kill you but he gets his arm cut off by a cyborg ninja, and you have to remember that one part because it's really important later. No, seriously.

So the dude who the cowboy was keeping prisoner tells you about metal gear, and you're all "no shit." Also, he dies, and your dude is all "wtf?" and then you have to look on the back of the cd case of the game to find out the phone number of the chick who belongs to the ass your dude was staring at in that one cutscene I mentioned. The dude from watergate contacts your dude, then your dude drops some grenades on a native american shaman in a tank.

After that you find the ninja from before (who is a dude you killed when you killed the guy you are a clone of) terrorizing a weeaboo so you drop a bunch of sparkly grenades that make him flip the fuck out and then shoot him a lot. Your dude and the weeaboo become friends and then you go to a new place and use your ass recognition skillz to find the chick. Then an evil psychic dude in a gasmask possesses her, tells you what konami games you've been playing and moves your controller with his mind, and you have to swap controller ports in order to kill him.

After that the chick gets taken out by a sniper chick so you have to backtrack for a sniper rifle and drugs and an asian chick on your phone tells you to save. Your dude gets knocked the fuck out and ends up being tortured by the cowboy. If you don't mash the button enough you either die or your girlfriend dies, so you better mash that fucking button unless you don't care about her, which is entirely possible considering that you barely know her at all.

Then you're in a cell with the same black dude who died, only he's more deader than before and has no blood. You might think that means vampires, but that's stupid because there are no vampires until the second game which I haven't gotten to in my summary yet. You trick an incontinent retard (who is also really important later on. No, really) into letting you out of your cell by splattering ketchup on your chest so he thinks you're dead.

Then you only blonde shows up in a helicopter and tries to kill the dude who looks like you and is you because he isn't blonde. You with the mullet kills his helicopter (but not him) and then kills the sniper bitch in a big snowfield, and also your weeaboo friend tells you he's in love with her. The shaman shows up with a minigun this time and you kill him too. Then you use a card to stop metal gear only it starts metal gear because the dude who looks like you only blonde tricked you, like, three times. He was pretending to be a different blonde guy who only kind of looks like you the whole time. WHAT A TWIST.

So blonde you tells you that he and brown mullet you are twin clone brothers from a thing with french babies. He then explains to you that the writer doesn't understand genetics and thinks recessive genes are automatically inferior. Also, you are a bioweapon with a deadly virus inside of you and it's what killed the guy captured by the cowboy and the black guy (who wasn't really the black guy but a different guy pretending to be the black guy who stole the black guy's blood for some reason, which made him vulnerable to the genetically targeted virus.)

The blonde guy, (who was the only blonde guy all along so I no longer have to qualify who he is,) then gets in metal gear which is a walking tank that launches nukes with a railgun and tries to kill you. You shoot it with missiles until the ninja shows up and cuts a weakspot in it that you can hit with missiles for massive damage. Then the ninja gets dead and you shoot the weakspot for massive damage. After that you punch the shit out of the blonde guy and then do a car chase with either your girlfriend or the weeaboo depending on if you gave up in the torture.

The blonde guy finally catches you and is about to shoot you but then the virus kills him and the old guy in charge of your mission stops a nuclear strike that was apparently going to happen. You ride of into the sunset with either your girlfriend or the weeaboo (no homo) and then the cowboy talks for a while and totally turns out to be the dude from watergate and also a bad enough dude to work for the president. He stole the plans for metal gear and totally sets things upfor a sequel where metal gears are sold on the black market and that's a bad thing.

Summary of said sequel is forthcoming.

Tagged:    cblog    Rants and Commentary  

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