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Bang! Bang! Rating! Health Pickups

Health Pickups


We all know the Red Cross sign. See it on the battlefield, GTA, or where ever, run over it, voila you sir, are healed. No leeches or recuperation time for you. No need to bog yourself down in the details of your injury because with the Red Cross first aid kit, a 30 foot fall to pavement is the same affliction as a gunshot wound or a scraped knee. It could be a fucking box of Vicks vapor rub. But then, what kind of a bad ass hero or heroine uses Vicks vapor rub? B

The Large Hear(Zelda):

The symbol represents love and peace, but I have to think about the source. Here's a scenario: Link has just fileted an octorock, there's fucking blood everywhere, severed tentacles in a heap on the forest floor; Link reaches into the pile, pulls out the still beating heart of the once living demonic monstrosity and then proceeds to EAT the damn thing right there, fucking RAW to the shock and horror of nearby octorocks! No wonder everything in the world wants to kill Link. To be fair, he also devours fairies whole after storing them in a small jar for days. Link is an asshole. Besides, in the book of cliches I think the heart is on the cover. C-

The Pulsing Ball (Mega Man, Metroid):
Talk about cannibalism Mega Man. Jesus. Is the only way for the Blue Bomber to replenish himself to prey on the bodies of his former robot brethren? Health pickups should not come with a urge to confess. Aside from that, like Metroid, the pulsing ball comes in a variety of flavors indicating the level of health recharged. I enjoy mega man picking up a big meaty ball because then the game will pause and I can listen to the sound of health actually happening. Wouldn't it be great if hospitals had needles that played the sound? I would get a vaccine today. Or start using heroin. B+

It's meat! Sometimes it's cooked (like a lovely turkey) or a big raw steak. My personal favorite is the Flintstones hunk of beef with the handlebone. You know, the one where its flat at the top and probably tastes just like childhood. Mainly found in beat-em-ups where health pickups are rare thus increasing the meat real estate even if it's a pot roast you found in a barrel by the subway. The exception to the beat-em-up rule being the Castlevania series where you find meat by whipping the walls. Meat...from the walls. Dracula's castle is made out of meat. Kind of like Hansel and Gretel but...fucked up. B-

Rings (Sonic):
What is the logical connection for a nudist sprinting hedhehog collecting hundreds of golden rings if the first time he makes contact with a hostile enemy he loses them all? It's an allegory to gambling: hard to win, easy to lose, and then you wake up the morning after, next to a mutant flying fox wanting to be your sidekick. Shit, there's even a casino level with slot machines you play to gain rings, or lose them! But all of this still doesn't answer the question why the damn hog uses jewelry for health. Is it a shield of rings, invisible to the naked eye? Where does he keep so many if all he has on is a pair of sneakers? Why does he need more than one? What happens to them all after a level is completed? Sonic uses rings to unlock bonus stages where (surprise) he grabs more fucking rings! This cobalt dipshit has a serious disorder. Also, cock-rings. (bonus reference: "Any cock'll dooooo!") F

First Aid Spray/ Herbs (Resident Evil Series):
It's as if the pre-requisite for surviving a zombie armaggedon is 12 credit hours of botany lab. "Oh look a red plant in an abandoned mansion, I think this will cure my poisoned condition!" All of the protagonists from the Resident Evil series should be dead just from the fact that they're stupid enough to enter a bio hazardous area and nibble on the fucking plant life. "Everything else around here seems to have been gruesomely mutated from a virus but I'm sure this innocuous little herb will be safe to ingest. And if that doesn't work to heal my gaping zombie-inflicted wounds I'll just spray this aerosol can on myself; because in my wacky wacky world, real medicine has been replaced by GardenRidge and WD-40." D

The Potion:
What better way than video games to teach our children that the solution to most of life's aches and pains can be cured via a trip to the friendly neighborhood apothecary? Found mostly in RPGs, the "potion" represents everything you'd hope for moments before a humiliating death. Unlike the other items on this list, potions can be stocked up to the magical number 99 thus making the player the unstoppable Lazarus of Final Fantasy VII. An item so iconic no fantasy game dares call it anything else. A +
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About fozzyozzyone of us since 10:20 PM on 01.26.2008

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