For Kicks indeed. Tonights ratings will be all about the world of video game kicks. starting with...


Double Dragon: If I sat Joe P. Random in front of a game of Double Dragon on the NES (and if he knew the controls) I guarantee to you his first act of in-game violence would be the kick. The range, the power, the...capris? Yes, the only thing keeping the Double Dragon kick from pure immortality is the purely ridiculous pants worn by the protagonist. Sure, the box art makes it seem like cool metal kickpads, but once in the world you realize your front cover martial arts stud is really a teenage loner just home from shopping at Old Navy with Daddy's credit card. C+

River City Ransom: Dragon Feet. The sound effect in this NES classic from booting a fool in his stones is sweet enough but when you add a machine gun repetition to it you get a sorbet of sole. Purchased from the book store, this ancient Chinese secret (ya right) lets you unleash multiple kicks without jamming your thumb or discovering an NESadvantage in your neighbor's garage. Considering the actual 8-bit noise totally sounds like fapfapfapfapfapfapfap and you know why this one has to get an: A+

TMNT (Arcade): I've played this beat-em up more times than I care to count (which one is the real shredder? noooooo) and even now, the innaccuracy of the jump kick infuriates me. It's only redeeming value is the fact that it's the only move in the whole game where your ninja turtle looks, like a f'ing NINJA. I mean, a diagonal jump kick is hardcore, throw in a somersault and you are a legend, Leonardo. Still, kind of a waste though that a ninja's most useful move is a jumpkick and not the two 3 foot long razor sharp katanas strapped to his goddamn shell. B-

Kickle Cubicle: The point of the game is to breath out icecubes and kick them into enemies or into the water therefore making a bridge. Get it? He KICKS the iceCUBES. Such an inventive name that you can tell came from Japan. Japan, after all, is the home of Jump Man. I don't really have time here to talk about the sequel, Punchickle Baboonicle but you get the gist. Plus his suspenders are candy red. D

Street Fighter II Turbo: Here's a secret to winning a game of SFIITurbo. Pick Dhalsim. Hold Down on the controller. Press the Hard Kick button. Yeah. That sliding thing was pretty cool wasn't it? Ok. Now repeat in two second intervals for the rest of the fight. Congratulations! It's incredibly cheesy but the point of fighting games is to win, right? Right? Hey where the hell are you going? Anyway, it's hard to rate just one kick in all of Street Fighter, but the physically-impossible-to-perform-butt-slide-low-kick pretty much makes my day. Or aggravates me like a chancre sore. Shit. Fucking M. Bison... B

Gears of War: the curb stomp. A relatively new phenomenon and one that I believe belongs in the annals of the video game kick for its contribution to the grit and gore it represents while simultaneously detracting from gaming's lowest commone denominator. It is a move both cynical (a game that features chainsaws, guns, and grenades still believes the player wants more variety in its death rattles) and vain (heavy feet, big cocks, welcome to Freud 101). Downvoted though just for the fact that it's less your feet doing the talking and more the over-sized military boots made for walking. C

That's it for now. My apologies to all the soccer fans out there. Title courtesty of MST3K and Wild Rebels (1967)