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Adventures in Babysitting! - Destructoid




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fozzyozzy
11:56 PM on 03.21.2009

So my boss is a pedophile. I suspect it at least, but not without a growing number of hints in his behavior. You see, as a worker in video game retail he has much exposure to small children. Made even worse is the fact that, suprise, they share a hobby. Know you now gentle reader the uncomfortable silences that come when your 40 something divorcee balding fat boss asks young Tommy of 10 years for a gamertag.

Working in retail especially with video games has its share of facetime with the stupider generations. Children mug up the store, touching all manner of nooks and crannies then exclaim their dismay when their tagged parent/puppet refuses to buy the only thing in the entire world that matters at that exact moment. Worse still are the abandoned rats. Small patches of offspring scratched off and told to loiter in my store unattended, a store frequented no doubt my many repeat offenders although that is the one bit of history we won't bugger you about on a trade-in. Frequently it occurs to me how easy it would be to kidnap an ignorant brat or two. What stops me is the lack of any positive beyond actually saying to others, "I kidnapped a child before, you know." "Oh for how long?" "I think his mom came back after an hour..."

So you can imagine the tenseness in the store when my boss, The Notorious Baby Bumper, is left alone wiith the discarded sires of parents too involved in their own menial shit to be involved.

I kid in all of this of course. My boss is no pedophile, he has two kids of his own. But my point is simple. My boss is a pedophile, so take your fucking kids with you!

PLAYING
The GamesPlus by my house is my Dyson's Goodwill. Yesterday I found Zoda's Revenge: Star Tropics II (curious side note, can anyone think of another game that's a sequel, where the series name came AFTER the colon?), LIttle Nemo, aaaaaand Earthworm Jim 2. How in the hell do you make a game for kids where one of the levels involves a psychotic crow tossing puppies out of a two story house? And if you miss those adorable little puppies become a pronounced splat. The kicker? Airball too many poochies and papa pound dog chews you up! Does he not see the asshole in the house actively pursuing a canine genocide? Shit! and these aren't even dog/ dogs, we're talking anthropomorphic hounds. That jellied Fido could've grown up to cure Doggie Cancer!

Also been playing a lot of Avalon Code. YOu use a book to rule the world. sweet. This game for the DS is like a valentine to compulsive completers. Practically every page in the book of prophecy has a counter at the bottom so you KNOW just how far you have to go before it's declared "DONE". Every freaking map has a counter, and it's a counter that goes up as you look at things. That's right, press A at that rock and you get a little closer to 100%. Crazily enough this practice fits in the logic of the game. You see, you're recording everything into a big book that will be used to recreate the world after armageddon. Talk about a reading rainbow.



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