still testing

"Like dominoes," you chortle, slyly switching off the DISASTER toggle in the options menu of Sim City 3000. Now, in one sweeping glorious moment all of those belly-aching citizens will now know how horrible life can be when their mayor (and god) suddenly abandons them. Oh, snap! There's a tornado in the center of town! AND aliens?! Oh my god how can this day get any worse? Honey, I just got paid, too bad the tax rate is at 100%!




I won't call them the Sims because I'm classier than that and frankly I'm talking about ALL of the gibberish spouting perpetual disappointments that populate the land I always call New Seanopolis. You know who I mean, their list of demands, personal as well as gubernatorial, is constantly ringing in your ears. Begging you for more schools or whining about the leftovers, either way they deserve to die. The sim population has bled out into other games not prefixed with a SIM but their disguises fail them.

So my boss is a pedophile. I suspect it at least, but not without a growing number of hints in his behavior. You see, as a worker in video game retail he has much exposure to small children. Made even worse is the fact that, suprise, they share a hobby. Know you now gentle reader the uncomfortable silences that come when your 40 something divorcee balding fat boss asks young Tommy of 10 years for a gamertag.

Working in retail especially with video games has its share of facetime with the stupider generations. Children mug up the store, touching all manner of nooks and crannies then exclaim their dismay when their tagged parent/puppet refuses to buy the only thing in the entire world that matters at that exact moment. Worse still are the abandoned rats. Small patches of offspring scratched off and told to loiter in my store unattended, a store frequented no doubt my many repeat offenders although that is the one bit of history we won't bugger you about on a trade-in. Frequently it occurs to me how easy it would be to kidnap an ignorant brat or two. What stops me is the lack of any positive beyond actually saying to others, "I kidnapped a child before, you know." "Oh for how long?" "I think his mom came back after an hour..."

So you can imagine the tenseness in the store when my boss, The Notorious Baby Bumper, is left alone wiith the discarded sires of parents too involved in their own menial shit to be involved.

I kid in all of this of course. My boss is no pedophile, he has two kids of his own. But my point is simple. My boss is a pedophile, so take your fucking kids with you!

PLAYING
The GamesPlus by my house is my Dyson's Goodwill. Yesterday I found Zoda's Revenge: Star Tropics II (curious side note, can anyone think of another game that's a sequel, where the series name came AFTER the colon?), LIttle Nemo, aaaaaand Earthworm Jim 2. How in the hell do you make a game for kids where one of the levels involves a psychotic crow tossing puppies out of a two story house? And if you miss those adorable little puppies become a pronounced splat. The kicker? Airball too many poochies and papa pound dog chews you up! Does he not see the asshole in the house actively pursuing a canine genocide? Shit! and these aren't even dog/ dogs, we're talking anthropomorphic hounds. That jellied Fido could've grown up to cure Doggie Cancer!

Also been playing a lot of Avalon Code. YOu use a book to rule the world. sweet. This game for the DS is like a valentine to compulsive completers. Practically every page in the book of prophecy has a counter at the bottom so you KNOW just how far you have to go before it's declared "DONE". Every freaking map has a counter, and it's a counter that goes up as you look at things. That's right, press A at that rock and you get a little closer to 100%. Crazily enough this practice fits in the logic of the game. You see, you're recording everything into a big book that will be used to recreate the world after armageddon. Talk about a reading rainbow.

So I've revamped some things (disastrously apparent if you've read the headline) because I hope to do some things with this blog. It's either reviews, faux plays, or analytical diatribes. We'll see in the coming winters.

For Kicks indeed. Tonights ratings will be all about the world of video game kicks. starting with...


Double Dragon: If I sat Joe P. Random in front of a game of Double Dragon on the NES (and if he knew the controls) I guarantee to you his first act of in-game violence would be the kick. The range, the power, the...capris? Yes, the only thing keeping the Double Dragon kick from pure immortality is the purely ridiculous pants worn by the protagonist. Sure, the box art makes it seem like cool metal kickpads, but once in the world you realize your front cover martial arts stud is really a teenage loner just home from shopping at Old Navy with Daddy's credit card. C+

River City Ransom: Dragon Feet. The sound effect in this NES classic from booting a fool in his stones is sweet enough but when you add a machine gun repetition to it you get a sorbet of sole. Purchased from the book store, this ancient Chinese secret (ya right) lets you unleash multiple kicks without jamming your thumb or discovering an NESadvantage in your neighbor's garage. Considering the actual 8-bit noise totally sounds like fapfapfapfapfapfapfap and you know why this one has to get an: A+

TMNT (Arcade): I've played this beat-em up more times than I care to count (which one is the real shredder? noooooo) and even now, the innaccuracy of the jump kick infuriates me. It's only redeeming value is the fact that it's the only move in the whole game where your ninja turtle looks, like a f'ing NINJA. I mean, a diagonal jump kick is hardcore, throw in a somersault and you are a legend, Leonardo. Still, kind of a waste though that a ninja's most useful move is a jumpkick and not the two 3 foot long razor sharp katanas strapped to his goddamn shell. B-

Kickle Cubicle: The point of the game is to breath out icecubes and kick them into enemies or into the water therefore making a bridge. Get it? He KICKS the iceCUBES. Such an inventive name that you can tell came from Japan. Japan, after all, is the home of Jump Man. I don't really have time here to talk about the sequel, Punchickle Baboonicle but you get the gist. Plus his suspenders are candy red. D

Street Fighter II Turbo: Here's a secret to winning a game of SFIITurbo. Pick Dhalsim. Hold Down on the controller. Press the Hard Kick button. Yeah. That sliding thing was pretty cool wasn't it? Ok. Now repeat in two second intervals for the rest of the fight. Congratulations! It's incredibly cheesy but the point of fighting games is to win, right? Right? Hey where the hell are you going? Anyway, it's hard to rate just one kick in all of Street Fighter, but the physically-impossible-to-perform-butt-slide-low-kick pretty much makes my day. Or aggravates me like a chancre sore. Shit. Fucking M. Bison... B

Gears of War: the curb stomp. A relatively new phenomenon and one that I believe belongs in the annals of the video game kick for its contribution to the grit and gore it represents while simultaneously detracting from gaming's lowest commone denominator. It is a move both cynical (a game that features chainsaws, guns, and grenades still believes the player wants more variety in its death rattles) and vain (heavy feet, big cocks, welcome to Freud 101). Downvoted though just for the fact that it's less your feet doing the talking and more the over-sized military boots made for walking. C

That's it for now. My apologies to all the soccer fans out there. Title courtesty of MST3K and Wild Rebels (1967)

Vote!!!! Because McGruff says so...