These are the best and worst weapons in the Final Fantasy universe. It pretty much explains itself from here.
5. WORST - Hand Bombs - Final Fantasy XII
What. The. Hell. Why would they make something that sounds so cool so useless? Not only is it nestled up on the 'lame zone' of the Licence board, the hand bomb curses its user with random damage, long use times, and a basic functional question mark. To elaborate: When I go into a weapon shop, and choose to purchase, say, the Hornito model of hand bomb, WHAT EXACTLY AM I BUYING? See, a Hand Bomb also needs ammunition. That makes sense, because they explode on contact and are therefore gone. So I buy ammo in the form of Onion Bombs. If its a 'hand bomb', isn't ammo all that I really need? Its like if I was to buy a grenade. The grenade is what I buy and what I throw. Instead, the Ivalice Hand Bomb company makes you buy what surely must be a peice of magic which changes the appearance of the ammo, from the weapon list, which must then magically (or by way of Nanotechnology) alter the sturcture of the ammunition bombs (bought from the ammo list), causing different effects. Its needlessly complex and can therefore go and jump off a bridge.
5. BEST - Giant Shurkien - Various
Not only does it look cool and utterly defy physics, the giant shuriken is surely incredibly dangerous to use. They also pose all sorts of cool questions. Case in point. I am controllong a party containing Yuffie. Taken a sub to the bottom of the ocean to fight the emerald weapon. Yuffie belts her conformer toward the hulking mammoth. Damage is dealt and - BAM - straight back in her hand.
Step 1: Arm giant shuriken
Step 2: Throw giant shuriken
Step 3: Pain
Step 4: ????
Step 5: Back in Yuffies hand
What happens in step 3? Does the shuriken fly with such force it digs a hole straight through Emmy Weapon, completes its boomerang syle arc to return to Yuffie? Does it graze across his/her body, with the HP loss coming from a nasty laceration? Does Yuffie carry hundreds of the bastards, and if one was to dissect Emerald post battle, would they find thousands of Conformers buried in his thick green hide?
I also enjoy the single use versions combined with the throw command, especially in the older games, which tended to be as big as the user. Brilliant.
4. WORST - Rod - Final Fantasy IX
Way to make the white mage good at nothing but healing and buffing. If the white mage was a changeable class or had offensive ability (which wasn't holy, which didn't rear its white glittery head until the end of the game anyway), then I wouldn't have an issue. I'm talking about when your party is set in stone. You have Dagger on board. You are fighting a group of enemies that will only take a few rounds to beat, and don't do much damage. Do you heal? Nope, everyones full health. Do you buff? Nope, these enemies suck. Its Daggers turn! Think fast! At this point, the game has a massive laugh at your expense as you choose attack and Dagger trots forward and swings her rod. 24 damage and an embarrassing hollow 'thunk' sound later, her turn is over, and someone at Square Enix just got a boner.
They got it right in Final Fantasy IV, giving Rosa a bow. Therefore I don't blame White Mages for being largely useless in standard, non boss related combat. I blame the rod. The rod can go and die. And so can the staff.
4. BEST - Tiny Attacking Automaton - Final Fantasy X
What. The. Hell. Not that you'd ever need Lulu to attack anyway, as shes an awesome Black Mage, but this is getting on the list because someone at Square decided that maybe they would be a bit inventive and not give her a stupid wooden stick like every other Mage ever. Not only did they not give her a stick, they gave her a little magic toy thing that cutely toddles towards the enemies and *boof!* - tiny damage!
I know, given the argument I just put against Rods and all those who make them, to pick a useless weapon as a BEST right after might seem a bit backwards. BUT the difference here is that Black Mages don't need physical weapons. They can make gravity wells and shit with their minds, man! Because of this, ALL black mages should have a comical weapon, to use for shits and giggles. Next game, why not a fishing rod? Or a cage full of bouncy balls? The possibilites are endless.
3. WORST - Nerf Style Boomerang - Final Fantasy XIII
Hope was already a big ask for me to accept. And when I don't have much love for this mopey and tropey character, his faults are all to easy to pick. And I tell you what, I had a field day when he first pulled his 9th birthday present out of his pants to do battle. I know they were putting a futuristic slant on this game, but damn, what a crap looking weapon. It looks like a mean cross wind would send it plopping innocently to the ground. If, weather permitting, it does travel the void from Hopes girly arm to the carapace of the Adamantoise or whatever, I can just imagine it going 'boink' and falling harmlessly to the ground. Which would be great if it was a comical eidolon move ala Tonberry in FFVIII. But given the SUPER SERIOUS nature of all things that occur in FFXIII, its about as far from cool as, well, the rest of the things Hope does in the game.
3. BEST - The Humble Sword - All of them
Or, as is often the case, The Rather Elaborate and Multi faceted Sword. Sure, there have been variations, but theres a reason this is always the standard equip. The satisfaction of hitting someone with a sword is awesome. FFVIII experimented with this, by putting the satisfaction of firing a gun in there too, for double satisfying results. Swords are great in Final Fantasy because they always beat every other weapon. Even guns! This brilliant suspension of reality is so strong, that I think most hardened RPG players would probably pick the sword in real life too (forgetting the nature of modern war, and ultimately lasting a very short time).
The best thing about a sword is that all it needs to techically remain a sword is to have a handle.The designer can then choose to put anything on that handle at all. Cock sword? Sure! Cheese wedge sword? No worries! PVC pipe wrapped in barbed wire sword? Make this now!
Fun fact: In Final Fantasy XII, with all the options given by an at times ridiculous weapon selection (see items 5... and 1...) the best party uses three people with one handed sword and sheild. Triple awesome.
2. WORST - The Harp - Final Fantasy IV
What were they thinking. A bard can still be a bard without actually using a harp in COMBAT. You fools! In fact, the western RPG world envisions a bard as a sneaky, charismatic backstabber, and that is far more awesome than anything Square have presented to us. A harp. Really? How does it attack? Oh, of course, by shooting a stream of musical notes! For low damage and a useless status effect! If number 1 wasn't so ridicullously impractical, this would defnitely take out worst in show. Thankfully, Edawrd only infects the battle team for a short time in Final Fantasy IV. And from that hour or so, he is legendary for being the most useless party member ever! A harp! Seriously guys, you suck.
2. BEST - Balls - Final Fantasy X
I actually enjoyed using Wakka and his bouncy balls of doom. Even moreso once his sphere grid actually made it do damage! Really, its a pretty decent idea, adapting the Archer class to the FFX world, in which Blitzball is the most awesome thing going. And some of the later balls you get look rather formidable, like the metal ones. Covered with poisonous spikes! The ball wins second spot for not only being decent to use in the game, but actually possible to make in real life! Seriously, kids, go out and wrap some railroad spikes around your favorite basketball and throw it at your teacher! And you'll be cool like Wakka. Ya? YA!
1. WORST - Measures - Final Fantasy XII
Okay, so the critical flaw in measures relates to their implementation in the game. I'll split it into two points, ten points to the first to spot the FAIL.
1) Measures embue POSITIVE status to those attacked with them.
2) FFXII runs on a gambit system in which every character WILL automatically attack ENEMIES in battle,
Luckily, you can modify you gambits. This means to use a measure, you need to go into the person you are giving measures to (if you are that way inclined, which nobody is), and modify their gambits to attack party members. This works a treat once you realise that measures are not good at all, even when used correctly. You'll no doubt switch back to a decent weapon, like... well anything else in comparison, even Hand Bombs. Then watch with glee as the ex-measure user throws handbombs all over the party until you figure out you still have the gambits set backwards.
On the plus side, they usually sell for pretty good prices!
1. BEST - The Spear - All of them
I just love spears. They are not used in real life nearly as much as they should be. Sure, you might get the odd nutter rob a 7-11 with a samurai sword. Those guys always get totally foiled by the cops, or even the attendant. If those guys re-assessed and walked in with a damn TRIDENT, I daresay things would go a bit better. I wouldn't say no to a trident, would you? I'd be in that register doling out my nights takings. You know why? Because I dont want to be SPEARED.
In the FF universe, all the coolest cats have spears. And they also have this great effect of making an uncool character cool, simply by them holding a spear. I gave Penelo a spear and she was awesome. It almost gave her a personality for a while! I would give Hope a spear if FFXIII allowed me to. What a test of spear coolness that would be!
Coupled with the jump ability, you have a truly scary prospect. Both in-game, and in real life. Imagine someone jumping twelve feet into the air, right above you, with a spear pointing facewards. Before your death, you could only remark at the awesome nature of your impending demise, and hope they leave the obelisk intact and alter your coffin to accommodate it.
Spears are the coolest. They even make Kimahri cool. read