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I can't think of a good reason why I blog here, and honestly I think its only because I lack the self-control not to. In the past I have wasted way too much time socializing online simply because I liked the anonymity and all the stupid trolling that entailed.

Of course, this is a different place, you're all respectable people, and I am an adult who has grown into his three inch penis and the inferiority complex that accompanies it.

Hi, my name is J/Jordan/falsenipple, but you can call me whatever you like, or summarily ignore me if that better suits your fancy. I'm nearing on being old enough to be dead, from Chicago, and have been gaming since I was 6, which was awhile ago.

I have yet to mature since then, nor have I become skilled enough to beat Megaman 2, although it hasn't stopped me from soundly losing until I have won every other game.

None of the previously mentioned things actually mean much to me though. Frankly, as any good troll is, I am more interested in other people, which is why I don't talk about myself too often. I've got a mouthful of feet and a throat full of Achilles' heels. So making this introduction is more than awkward for me.

Most of the time I just stalk people around until they assume that I'm their friend, or a friend of their friend, who unassumingly has been shadowing the lot of them and pocketing scraps of their hair to make dolls out of.

Forget that you read that last bit. Also forget that I've ended multiple sentences with propositions. The devil made me do it.

I guess I should keep at whatever it is I am doing here.



1. Are you a gamer?

No, but I've passed the Turing Test, so I can't rightfully be called a game anymore.

2. What?

Just go with it.

3. Seriously?


4. Are you going to continue asking yourself questions in the third person?

I didn't ask for schizophrenia, but I'll sure as shit not be sassed by my own psychosis. NEXT QUESTION PLEASE~!

5. What games are you currently playing or would like to play in the future?

Battlefield 3, Dark Souls, Magic: The Gathering, Bioshock Infinite, and a bunch of other garbage. It's a lot easier just to stalk people online through their gamertag and psn tag than actually answer something like this.

You could look at mine (GT:OMGhotdogs, PSN:jsapper), but I don't exactly like most people enough to to game with them, let alone accept friend requests. I'm kind of a misanthrope, and spend most of my time mumbling to myself and hiding in dark places within online shooters hoping to ambush someone and steal their wallet and possibly ask them how punctuation works. You know, so I can type up readable things instead of things like this.

6. Are you alright?


7. Stop staring at me.

That's not a question.

8. You're not making this any easier.

Funnel Cake?

Following (43)  

I haven't blogged here in a very long time. This is the part where I am supposed to say that I missed it and the rest of the community. Let's assume that I did, and it didn't just come off like a twelve year old gear giving an insincere apology to her parents for smoking pot and getting caught skipping school, even though that's what came immediately came to my mind because I wouldn't trust myself to comb my own hair.


About six to eight months ago, I received more than a handful of PM's and E-Mails in regard to my absence in the community. I didn't respond to them. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable at the time, and, to be frank, it wasn't their fault and I probably should have responded in kind, but that's not me. I'm callous, cold, and I don't remember when your birthday is, or even most of your first names. Sorry.

So as a self-professed jerk there really seems to be no reason for me to write something like this outside of glomming up some undeserved attention while pretending like I never wanted it anyway, and I know that is awfully unbecoming of me, and again I'm sorry.

Truthfully, what provoked this blog's topic was listening to some fellow DTOID members talk about it rather earnestly during a game of Battlefield 3 while I was deeply vested in obtaining out squad intel and trying to win the game. They on the other hand were talking about this community and the blogs, which is not as uncommon of a thing as some of you might imagine. Destructoid runs deep.

Their commitment to the community, the zest with which they felt about this idea, along with some goading given months ago, and some more in the previous month or so has brought me back like an ungrateful child to tell you a bunch of rather personal and somewhat awkward things about myself. They might not be what you'd expect, and that probably says a lot about me.

Hopefully a little bit of schadenfreude will make us close enough to use our collective sperm and ova to impregnate a chimpanzee... wait... What the fuck am I talking about?

Go ahead and read list below.

Listen to some music.
(Each list item has a song that is marginally related to it).

Tell your mom that you love her.

1. I am an easily provoked and vulgar person.

Those of you that have actually gamed with me on XBOX Live are probably already more than aware of this one. Youíve also likely have heard me so flustered that I couldnít get out a coherent insult or comment to save my life. Itís sad, but I am probably one of those people that has been recorded in party chats and then reposted on YouTube later to be laughed at.

Yeah, I know. Thatís a bad thing, and I have honestly worked on holding back some of the bile, but the beast gets loose every once and awhile. Itís an embarrassment to myself and many of my friends and family.

2. I genuinely wish that we could all be honest and happy, but never seem to manage either of those things for very long.

Iím a fairly secretive, introverted, and intense person. When I do express myself it is usually a bit stronger than necessary and often so extraordinarily uncomfortable for me that I would just as assume never saying anything at all and saving myself the discomfort. So this often leaves me either too terse or genial yet disingenuous. Itís been said many times that the basis of society at large is living under the pretext of many small, benign lies, but frequently that doesnít seem to be good enough for me, and I donít know if I am limiting my own happiness by thinking that way because I already know that it canít be mature or particularly bright on my part. I took a long pause after typing that last sentence and couldnít figure out whether I wanted to say ďCíest la vieĒ or ďFuck it.Ē

3. The last time I was even remotely close to getting laid was in a graveyard.

The less I say about this one would probably be for the better because I am actually a bit ashamed of myself, but since most people arenít actively aware of this event and certainly are going to be made just as uncomfortable by it as me I might as well tell them. She was about five foot one and was failing at being Goth and Asian while being both of those. I donít think I was honestly attracted to her and what keep me around was purely hormonal. She had pretty much be throwing herself at me for the last month, and virtue be damned. It is hard to keep control of a penis.

It was raining on a spring afternoon, and I had gone for a walk with her. On the walk she saw a cemetery (obviously) and wanted to check it out. Being the instigator that she was, I had been convinced to give her the business in a public place. I received nothing in return. A week or so after that, I came to a personal resolution that I really didnít need my dick getting the best of me and I have been unhappily single since. Did I mention that I am petty?

4. I wish my voice was two octaves lower.

I am incredibly self-conscious about my voice and to a lesser extent my physical appearance. Some things can be changed about yourself, while most of them youíre born into and have little to no choice about. When I was young my parents had me sing in a choir. Yeah, thatís right. I said a fucking choir, and I was good at it for whatever that was worth. My mother is/was a trained singer and she kind of foisted that upon my brother and me. It stuck with me while my brother was smart enough to get out. I wasnít.

As I grew my voice really didnít get much manlier, and it has currently topped out at something that is still mildly pubescent sounding. Iím not happy about it at all. My favorite singers are all baritones and thatís probably more so out of jealousy than anything else. There are times where I hear my own voice and feel utterly emasculated. Most people donít seem to pick at me about it, and I know very well that the problem isnít on their end. Itís on mine.

5. In high school I skipped a week of school to finish Star Ocean 2 before one of my friends could, just so I could tell him all of the spoilers when I got back.

One of my current gaming buddies and good friends since high school bought Star Ocean 2 on release day. We were both very much into JRPGís at the time, along with any other RPG outside of tabletop games. For a week he seemed to be having a great time playing the game. He told me all sorts of things. Such as the game was better, longer, and more complex than Final Fantasy VII, and that game coincidentally was our current gold standard for console RPGís at the time. I was intrigued, more than a little envious, and totally, bat-shit spiteful.

Long story made short, this is one of the few things he has yet to forgive me for doing, and since then he has taken an extremely bizarre stance on spoilers so much so that he will read them in advance simply so he knows it before someone else has the chance to tell him.

6. I am an asshole.

The previous list item should cover a little of this, but there is so much more to it. Itís not usually intentional on my part. Iím just a mean-spirited person. I have been that way for as long as I could remember. My parents told me stories from when I was a toddler about frequent fights that I had with other kids, often having to be pulled away before I hurt them. Whether itís in my nature to be confrontational or itís just something that ends up happening, there have been a lot of situations in my life where I have stirred up much more trouble than I intended.

For the most part, I really wish that I wasnít like this, but sometimes a spade is a spade and it just canít be anything else. So please forgive me if I sometimes, or even all the time, rub you the wrong way. Itís not something I am entirely control of, and, no, itís not Aspergerís. I am just an asshole, which is disheartening because it means I really donít have an excuse.

7. Generally speaking, I am not very good at video games. I am just persistent.

I have gotten the platinum trophy for Demonís Souls and have gotten all of the achievements for Dark Souls. Iíve beaten some supposedly difficult games and usually not felt like that Iíve bested them. When games were Nintendo hard, I was marathon running through Blaster Master, Bayou Billy, and Battletoads, and by marathon I mean it took me a long time of consistently plugging away at the game while making marginal progress and rejecting failure as a possible outcome.

Sure, it took me longer to beat the game than most people, but I did learn patience and that if you beat your head against a wall long enough either you knock yourself unconscious or cause some serious property damage. I became a fan of property damage and coincidentally Jackie Chan films.

8. Last month I was called for jury duty. The rest of the jurors and the judge gave me some pretty dirty looks when the judge asked me where I got my news and I told him plainly that I didnít.

What can I say about this one? Social awareness is not one of my strong suits, and to be honest the news is depressing. Everything that most of the world urgently wants me to know is seems to either be horrible, manipulative, or a sickening combination of the two. Of course, in better motivated and more altruistic people this type of information inspires them to change the world and go on to do great things. For me itís just one more thing to be unhappy about while pretty much feeling helpless as this whole, mad world churns insanely around me.

Donít ask me what the fuck I am going to do. I am scared and as a result dangerously depressed.

9. I have faked an injury to get front of line access to rollercoasters at Six Flags.

A few years ago, freshly off the heels of graduating college, and very much entrenched in the throes of young adulthoodís version of immaturity, I decided drunkenly the day that my friends and I were going to Six Flags Great America that not only did I not feel like waiting in line for the rides that I also could pull off a con to get wheel chair access. A buddy had some crutches in his garage. One thing led to another and I got my wish.

It would have be a completely remorseless offense if I hadnít felt the urge to follow through on my role by using the handicapped stalls. The one and only attempt I made at pissing led to a small child leaving the stall, forlornly staring at the damp, grey, bathroom floor and whispering an apology to me for using the toilet for hurt folks. It gave me sad boots because I knew better then and I know better now. That isnít to say I wouldnít do it again if I was given the chance. I know I would. Iím a weak man.

10. I frequent forums, blogs, and gaming sites more to alleviate loneliness and boredom than to actually discuss video games.

This is the sad truth. I honestly donít give a shit about the plot of most video games, nor do I have any connection to the characters. I care even less about most peopleís opinions on those things, and usually stick around out of voyeuristic curiosity. Donít take that as me saying that you are a car crash or window dressing for me, but then againÖ Ok. Letís not think about this one too hard. It might make things awkward.

P.S. I have screenshots of everything.

UhhhÖ for once I wrote this part of my blog last. Usually itís the first bit, and it functions as a warm up for the rest of the blog. Today I didnít need that. What I was trying to get out pretty much came out on its ownÖ like a nice healthy poop. Wait. That came out wrong. Shit. Wait. No. Double Shit!

I guess I could have left that out. Oh, well.

Nintendo has spent the past five years making great games on consoles that I either didn't want to own, or didn't quite measure up to the ones that I already did. By releasing a new console to the market they've opened me back up to their good graces and possibly wanting to own their machines for a larger purpose than playing the newest iteration of their classics. If you couldn't sell me last generation with Metroid, Mario, Donkey Kong, and Zelda, then clearly there is either something wrong with me, your console, or the combination of the two.

Let's talk about how Nintendo hopes to correct this.

Wii didn't have solid catalog of third-party titles. This is arguable of course, but only insomuch as if you disregard all of the cross-platform titles that either didn't make the jump to Wii, or did attempt to make the jump but did so like Super Meat Boy does this through a dozen stainless steel blades. The games are there, but not readily apparent, and when they are because they are ports, it's just too much of a mess to appreciate.

So what did Nintendo promise us during their conference?

Batman: Arkham City, and doesn't that get your blood pumping? Sure, it's not an exclusive, and it will probably show up later than it should, but I am pretty sure that it is a game that appeals to more than just the Nintendo crowd. The same goes for all of the other announced third-party titles like Aliens: Colonial Marines, Darksiders 2, Assassin's Creed, and, forgive me if I cannot forgive you in doubting its relevance to 'Core gamers, Metro 2033: Subtitle Unknown To False Nipple.

If you are looking for exclusives by Nintendo that cater to niche gamers, then you're out of luck. Oh, and for the record I excluded Nintendo Fanboys from the running when qualifying that last statement. That isn't to say that the system won't have niche or hardcore games, but that it is beyond mentioning until it has a year on the shelves and developers have learned the ins and outs of Nintendo's hardware, and it isn't fair to assume what titles they have or will have, let alone to throw in the towel. Weíre still too early in the game to make a call.

We'll just have to move on from there.

The next point of consideration is that Nintendo has stepped up to HD, or at least have told us that they have, so touting out our 360ís and PS3ís graphical superiority may no longer let us dismiss Nintendoís box when buying cross-platform titles. Nintendo even went as far as announcing a few that we know well enough not to be exclusives. So sooner or later we wonít just have XBOX vs. Sony fans ruining the internet with cross-platform game comparison rants.

Keep in mind that they didn't have a functioning demo in HD of any game, first party or otherwise. It's more than likely that they will be showing Wii U again at next year's E3 as opposed to it being on the streets and shoveling Wii U Carnival Games 2 at us. A high definition console does not sell without software, or more egregiously behind the promise of it. That we only saw the tablet in action is telling to say the anything at all, because to the audience that they hope to recapture, it's honestly the least important aspect of their new system. It's a gimmick... again.

I've already said this a couple times in the comments, and I'll probably say it again because I don't think that the people that need to hear it, read it, see it, and actually make an effort to digest it have done so.

The Wii U tablet controller is not enough to sell me a console, nor is it a representative of the actual console's capabilities. As a matter of fact, it might not even be necessary to play most games. That you can only pair one tablet per console pretty much excludes it from a variety of party-style, multiplayer games that Nintendo is known for.

It does have many other assets though, and again I probably have mentioned this elsewhere, but the tablet is pretty, damned savvy for something that at its heart is an input device. Until the situation arises where you or someone else has to share a television, and usually rather unpleasantly decide who gets priority over it, the game transferring option for Wii U isnít going to seem all that impressive. Trust me when I tell you that it is though.

One relationship eroding fight will be all it takes to separate Wii U owners from someone on their XBOX, let alone how the gamer is going to feel when he jumps out of an online match into a forced, rape snuggle during Greyís Anatomy hoping to scrape up the emotional strength to want to get into bed with that frag-blocking fartwhistle.

Another feature that intrigues me, although I know it probably wonít once I get my hands on it, is the capability of the tablet to be used as a drawing device. You may or may not know this, but I love to draw, edit, and create digital and non-digital art. Four seconds of someone drawing Link was enough to pique my interest, and I am not even a huge fan of the Zelda series (Yes, I know that is blasphemy. Iím sorry. Itís just who I am.). The softwareís depth is going to be a large qualifier on just how interesting that is to me, and although I am not expecting something on par with Adobe Photoshop, I am expecting to see more than Mario Paint, and a bit of integrated digital photo editing and media sharing would go a long way.

And here is the part where I may lose a few of you.

The tablet controller is not sold separately.

Let me repeat that.

A device being marketed with such high levels of convergence and usability that it looks like you will never, ever want to put it down, let alone share, isnít cheaply or conveniently replaceable. You break it, and guess what? You just bought a new console, or have to send it in for warrantied service, which we all know is only marginally better than buying a new console.

Just take a look at the damage that has been caused with Wii Motes in the past.

Imagine that on a more expensive scale and then multiply that by the number of families with small children, who were safe enough to play Wii, but absolutely werenít trusting enough towards their tykes to let them own or touch Daddyís iPad. I hope that you can recognize how troubling that makes the Wii U tablet. Itís on the verge of being too hardcore.

Thatís right. I just said that, and it fucking frightens me.

Only time will tell if Wii U is not only a quality machine, but also one that has the goods that gamers want. At this point in time, I can say without a doubt that it will sell. What it does for the people that own it remains to be seen. E3 is no better to gamers than a campaign promise is to voters. Both tend to become obsolete a year or less after we've given both our money and loyalty to our party of choice.

Let's hope Nintendo honors its word.
Photo Photo Photo

That I am writing this is an indicator that I have nothing better to do. The objective worth of that statement has no bearing on how wildly its connotation can vary, which is to say that it is both meaningless and polarizing. Neither of those qualities is particularly noble, yet here I am. You can hit the back button now.

Itís another Sunday afternoon in late May. The weather in Chicago could be called overcast and rainy today. It could also be called oppressive, dark, hateful, or some other loaded word meant to emphasize how it negatively affects my mood. I suppose that you could do some readings into that on your own, but overanalyzing and repetitious description seem to come naturally to me. Why should I be succinct when I can fire aimlessly and let you check yourself for gunshot wounds?

Video Games have given me much to do when I couldnít be bothered to come up with something better or more productive. Theyíve been a steady source of entertainment in both times of leisure and times where they actively interfered with real life and its sad, stupid responsibilities. For the past couple of months though I have had little motivation to play them, whether that is due to a lack of new games or simply being more intrigued by other things is debatable.

I guess I could tell you what I have been doing or what games I havenít been playing, but really I donít want to be that open. Iíd like to write something about me, yet have it at the same time not just be about me and be a bit more pertinent to a larger audience, and that seems to be a difficult thing because of how esoteric personal experience is, regardless of how universal something like ennui can be.

Sorry, that I am fishing about here. Itís not that I donít want to get from A to B, but rather that I am unsure on how to do it. Although it does seem like a rude and boorish way to come at things, I still have time on my hands, and more importantly I am not trying to just express ideas, but I am also trying to use up the time that I normally would have dedicated to distraction through video games. If only I could be playing one now instead of typing this.

Where did I put my slippers? I can't seem to find them.

Earlier today I slid Forza 3 back into my 360 for the umpteenth time, and it was with poor intentions. I did it to play through the gameís event list, which robust is not enough of a word to adequately describe, and waste a couple of hours driving around in circles to stave off the fatigue I am currently suffering from in less digital arenas. It felt like the gaming equivalent of my poor, old dad playing one of his endless hands of solitaire, and it tore at the dignity and grace that gaming once held for me. Where had my childhood gone, and when did its joyful pastimes become a calculated, soulless time-sink?

Clearly I was doing something wrong.

After a period of time, that was both too long and entirely not long enough, I turned the game off and started writing this. I donít feel any better for it either because what I had started there left with me, and now itís forming its own narrative on both of our times. My partnership in that despicableness would end easily enough if I were to hit 'Ctrl-A' and 'Delete', but where would that put the time I had invested in both of these things.

Hey, Sisyphus. Do you wanna play some video games with me?

I cannot stand waste, and even though I get a strong sense that it is occurring while I game or blog at certain times, there is no easy way to give up on the vain hope that what I am feeling is genuinely relevant and, perhaps more arrogantly, worth not just my time alone.

That is what I look for in a video game, and that I am now sorely missing it is disheartening. While that elusive je ne sais quoi has popped up in many other areas of my life recently, there hasnít been a direct outlet for me to express it. No, Iím not a social animal. Iím like a cricket. Youíll hear me before dusk making music with a crowd of my peers, but I havenít seen most of them face to face, and with the slightest disturbance I will go dead silent. Itís a cowardly lifestyle, but I come by it honestly.

Thunder is rolling outside at a deliberate and idiosyncratic pace that seems to me much more appealing than what I am doing here. My stereo is playing through Lia Ices' Grown Unknown for its third full time, and that it may actually be more consecutive spins due to how arbitrary everything is feeling at the moment. Iím going to turn up the volume, pour myself a drink, and take a nap.

SundaysÖ who needs Ďem?
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Click here to see the above at its full resolution

Too much coffee. Too much coffee. Too much coffee.

Painting used to be one of my hobbies, and I say used to because I can't do it where I currently live. Its really messy, or at least when I do it right. Most things are messy when you do them right, and I can't currently afford to be right. So I've been messing around in Photoshop lately, and it's been a lot of fun. It's not quite as fun as actually painting, but it is a hell of a lot easier to clean up after, and, beyond time invested, it costs nothing.

Part of me is dying to buy a Wacom drawing tablet, so I can do some serious digital art, but I know that not only isn't my budget, but that I'm a fickle, little shit that will promptly give up on art as soon as I get bored.

Did I mention that it has been almost five years since I last painted?

I was a heavy smoker then and also a vegan. I had to have been thirty pounds lighter and seven times more fidgety. It was a lively time, but it definitely took its toll on me. The smoking I miss more than the vegan diet, although the diet did inspire me to learn how to cook, which I now do well and on a daily basis.

Ok, enough of that. I should probably address what you're looking at above and possibly in the other attached images below.

That is what happens when I make something video game related as an excuse to post a blog and share all of the other random headers that I have made for fellow community members over the past couple of days. It's a desktop wallpaper, or whatever other thing you want to call a picture set to those proportions, that showcases Jade from Ubisoft's Beyond Good & Evil. I wanted to emphasize the title and work with the idea of duplicity between light and dark contrasts, color inversion, and, forgive me for all the things that are wrong with it, grittier imagery.

While time does indeed fly when you're having fun, I did take notice that it only took my five hours to make that image, whereas when I was painting it took me weeks to finish a painting that had an eighth of the detail. Technology is a wonderful and effort trivializing thing.

Below there are a handful of blog header images that I forced on other users via PM this week. Most of them were flattered and took them in good sport, but I honestly felt like I was imposing, even though it was just a gift. Maybe one day I'll figure out why something like that makes me feel guilty.

Have a peek and tell me what you think. Any tips in regard to photoshop, visual composition, or art in general will be highly appreciated.

For Debatoid

For Wolfy

For Caiters

For Man With No Name

For Mr. Andy 'Boner' Dixon

For Occam's Electric Toothbrush, which I enjoyed making so much I kept part of the header image to make another wallpaper.

For Venus In Furs

For Handy

For anyone who wants it

For funktastic
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This is the preamble. All blogs have these now. They are super important. Once one of these punched me in my nuts. It was cold-fricking-blooded. Oh, and if you're looking for something helpful there is a song embedded below to listen to while reading this, or conversely to listen to and not read this. I hope you like one or the other.

P.S. I am naked.

It's good to feel appreciated. It's also good to know that people recognize that you exist. Faps can do both of those. Sure, we like to think that we value our judgement, and that somewhere in our opinion there is worth beyond being average, but let's not discount potential, effort, presentation, and precision.

To put this as bluntly as possible, not every blog is a world-shaker. We are not going to be moved to tears with each and every thought and word thrown out there. That may sound cynical, but in every cynical observation there is a self-evident amount of truth. This is not strictly speaking a factual truth, although in certain cases it is. It's a truth though, one that nags and cajoles us. It forces itself upon us until we've distilled something past the point of enjoyment, and what we are left to swallow is one more bitter pill that has only been fortified by our own smugness.

For the sake of openmindedness, let's try to be a little less cynical when it comes to fapping and commenting on blogs. As members of one of the friendliest, gaming communities on the internet, there's a strong likelyhood that I am already preaching to the choir, but every choir could use new members, and nothing is more beautiful than adding additional voices to harmonize with a chorus. Sure, it's fun to run against the grain once and awhile, but even the most magnificent of bastards needs friends.

Don't miscontrue what I am saying here as a proposal for universal, unwarranted fapping, even though now that I think about it, the concept does seem pretty, darned amusing. Merely consider it an act of deliberate faith towards your fellow bloggers and the Destructoid community as a whole. We exist, and will continue to exist, as long as there is a vital interest in the community's work. Willingness to accept excellence outside of our comfort zones is practically a prerequisite in blogging. We might not see something in its fullest glory without first wearing our own weary-eyed, spam-hating blinders.

That sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it?

Well, it should.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and Destructoid can't give boners to the whole galaxy in five years alone. All great things take time and energy. Let's make something already great even better. Become an active creator of boners, rocker of boats, fapper of blogs, champion of gaming word-speak technology, and all that those things entail. You can do it. I can do it. Your mom can do it.

That's what I said.

That's what she said.

As lofty as all of this sounds, it really isn't. It's easy enough that I, a self-professed moron, can do it, and actually am doing it. (Self-high five? YES!) You can take a ten to fifteen minute glance yesterday's C-Blog Recaps or the sidebar that shows voted up C-Blogs on the mainpage to find some seriously, good reading.

I'm going to do it right now.

Here are three examples of quality blogs, some of which are great even though I don't necessarily agree with them or like the subject. They were all posted today nonetheless!

Are People Really Afraid of FUN? by Vincent Pavey


Aaamaazing: Finding Beauty in the ĎStorm by Sidother


Relatable Characters: Why I Love Vivi by bbain


By no means do I consider myself an expert in regard to taste or poignancy, those faps came on the wings of whim, like most inspiration does. Take flight yourself. What's worst that could happen? Maybe you could end up flying too close to sun and set yourself on fire. That's not so bad. Call me a sick, reprehensible ass, but there isn't anything funnier than self-immolation.

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Let me begin this by saying that I am a small, hateful person that should be avoided or ignored, and that the opinion expressed in this blog is my own, and has no intention to troll, but rather used to vent some steam so I can go back to hiding under a rock and pretending like one of the most anticipated games in recent memory wasn't just released to critical acclaim and collective ejaculation of the internet. If that sounds bitter, then how much more bitter am I going to be when every last excited person starts putting up a blog, a tweet, or finds some other way to make Portal 2 insinuate itself into every conversation.

There are those of you that I assume are wondering what is wrong with me, and there is quite a bit, but I don't have the time or patience to get into all of that, instead I'm going to keep at what it is you are doing to add to it. More specifically my issue with people that can't contain their excitement, and how it ruins what little joy a dour person, like myself, could get from game by being overwhelmed by platitudes and misappropriated quotes. Just so we are clear in this, it isn't that I am not excited or happy that Portal 2 is here and great, but rather that I hate the chattering, squirrel-faced masses that will geek out on this game to the point where I can't respect the game for the sake of attracting the lowest of gaming lows, which is to say fan boys.

Take that with a grain of salt though, there are many things worth being praised, and the best of those things are always overrated to some extent. That I am worrying about how badly I am going to hate the fans of Portal 2 is only a testament its success. It could reach Star Wars, LotR, Harry Potter, and Twilight proportions. Again I feel conflicted in asking you to curb your enthusiasm because ultimately I love a lot of those things as much as you do and truly wish them the utmost public acknowledgement and critical approval, but all of the wide-eyed, wider-mouthed monkeys out there kill me. In that resentment, I am no better than the worst of hipsters. Frankly, I am disgusted by that, and wanting to hide away something great from the roaring, derpy crowd is no less evil than the crowd itself.

Yet here I am, yelling at the top of my lungs. So instead of me giving you more of that, I would like you to consider something. When you spend the next couple of months, or possibly years, gushing about Portal 2, don't concern yourself with whether or not the game is great, because at this point we all know that it is, but rather how much of a service you are doing the fan base of the game and those that you'd like to win over to it.

Responsibility isn't a concept normally considered when geeking out, as a matter of fact I think the moderation it implies might be the antithesis of geeking out. Although in my heart I still feel that bubbling, joyous glee, and I know that it is a good feeling and one that regardless of how obnoxiously it ends up being expressed that the source from which it came is worthy and right. I don't want to give up on awesome things because of whom they would align me with, and I don't think you do either. We can hope that one day we, myself especially, can unclench our collective sphincters and let loose with our feelings. I'm just worried that instead of hearing funny, little farts now and then that we might be spraying diarrhea all over the place.

So please think about it. Think about about it long and hard before becoming that inner geek. If you truly love the game, then the best thing you can do to show it is be able to make other people love you for loving it.