In this super sized update you will receive not one or even two but THREE nuggets from the gospel of evil chad. Let me just say despite the date of this post none of this is any sorts of april fools jesting, evil chad and the dolphino revolutionary army doesn't fall into your customs and traditions and in the year 2022 all humans will be subjected to four times the torture just for the lulz. Let's get started shall we?
9 things i hate about lunar, earthbound, and super metroid.
9. "Ok, luna, you attack him in the back, ramus you hit that guy after she does, oh shit if i do that ramus won't be able to attack this turn since the enemy is too far away!"
Lunar is such a great game. Every battle requires extra thought, but when you have been raised playing final fantasy 7 and super mario rpg, every battle being a strategic decision is jarring. In all honesty it doesn't bother me that much which is why it isnt higher on the list!
8. Old guy throws a lawn chair at you!
Earthbound, which pisses me off in more ways than one, is filled with ridiculous attacks.... maybe a little too much, the dog barking loudly at the begining of the game does NOTHING as far as i can tell..... so why freaking have that!?
I get it, "ohhhh it's silly/refreshing like that!". I have to scroll through enough text as is, just STOP IT!
7. "let me check my map.... no missle room here...."
WHY THE HELL DO I EVEN NEED TO GO TO A DIFFERENT ROOM TO GET THIS SHIT?!?!?! why not just have the save rooms give you that stuff... i'll budge even more than that, save room, then missle and recharge room.
It's not even that! it forces you to go find each room seperately or just kill what ever the fuck indiginous creatures tool about that area! It's not that the game is hard, it certainly isn't, (it isn't hard for me yet anyway....) but it's just unneeded.
6. evil chad hits for mortal damage!
Why is it that almost every other enemy in earthbound can hit for more damage than you actually have health?! i mean i get it, it's for the rolling hp counter.... it's still retarded!
why does the damage countdown anyway?! are you bleeding out?! it makes no fucking sense and it sucks to get wiped out by one tooling robot because... holy hell, YOU KILLED IT OUT OF ORDER!
anyone who played the game with slow text scroll would probably not make it to the end of the game due to the freaking rolling hp shit!
5. nash..... ramus..... you guys suck.
For every two endearing character you get in lunar you get one douchebag. Nash is the one character i want to kill most of all and ramus.... im tired of getting poisoned because ramus goes last because he's a FATTY FAT FAT FATTY FAT FAT FAT FAT FATTY MCFATTERSON!!!!
and NO, there isn't enough fats in there to describe ramus!
4. i'll just open this doo- FUCK! MY LAST SUPER MISSLE!
ok, this one doesn't seem to be that big of deal for most people but it is for me. in the newer metroids on the gba you simply hold r when you go to fire a missle.... better than toggling in my opinion because you didnt have five different weapons, they just got better than they were.
i hate wasting a super missle or power bomb because i got in a firefight and forgot i had it selected...... nowhere near a dealbreaker though.
3. Run away?! you coward! FUCKING DIE!
I should be used to this by now since many other rpgs have useless run away commands, but it definitely bugs me in a game so focused on strategy. why the fuck can't i run away? TECHNICALLY you can try but i have found running away in lunar alot like skipping turns till you die!
it's now to the point i don't even try because i know if i do most likely i will have fifteen monsters insert their tree branches and vines up my party members colons while they spin around like neurotic merry go rounds!
2. "i don't know.... you might need that jar of honey somewhere..."
The item management in earthbound, like the menus is BROKEN! Why the hell can't the game just do what games were doing years before and just make it disappear... as is your item pages are usually filled to bursting.... but what do they do?! they leave key items there and MAKE YOU CALL and have someone come pick it up AND CHARGE YOU FOR IT!
In the version i played it was 18 bucks to store but in some emulators if the games copy protection is not circumvented it will charge you 75 bucks for them to come to you and pick your wildly useless key machine up. I call SHENANIGANS on earthbounds entire item and even menu management... if it weren't for the awesome story and characters i would have just let it be.
1. "Zebes is a huge place... i wonder where i should go..."
*space crickets chirp in the background*
The only thing keeping me from beating super metroid is finding out where to go next... it wouldn't be so hard if it AT LEAST showed me which region to go to! i have to go to norfair and brinstar and all these other freaking places and tool about until i find the proper crumbled block to to place a super missle into.
Sad thing is when you DO find out where to go it's usually so obvious you feel like an idiot to search so long and that, in turn, keeps me from playing because my hardwork is rewarded with a feeling of immense retardation.
there you have it, nine things spread out over three games that ever so slightly tarnish sparkling examples of gaming awesomeness.
Life without internet.
i thought it might be interesting to keep a record of what goes on daily in the mind of someone who has had internet TORN AWAY FROM THEM due to corporate fucks being way too greedy. (again, FUCK YOU CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS!)
03/27/08 - My mind immediately boils at the discovery of teh intarnets disaapearence. I plan out my next blog post on destructoid, and write down any downloads i need next time im near a net connection.
03/28/08 - I find myself instinctively clicking mozilla to no avail.... it bothers me so much i hide it in a dormant folder far far away.....
03/29/08 - I go to a friends house and drag my compy along to set steam in offline mode and try and eventually download audiosurf, i post my d-toid blog and stay pretty much all day before she passes out leaving me to play brawl in the dark forcing me to go home.
03/30/08 - with no internet i have decided to make good on my retrolutions and get started with lunar and i wiped out a good deal of pikmin 2.
3/31/08 I tried to play super metroid but after getting the power bomb i simply have no fucking clue where to go and without internet it remains unsolved.
pikmin 2 lays defeated at my feet. I try to play portal offline but it refuses.... even after i updated and set it to offline while connected to the internet.
i can still play audiosurf which leads me to believe one thing..... valve hates people without internet connections and i too have hatred for them for knocking $50 of games down the drain till i can get the net again. Before you even say it, yes i ran them to make sure there was no updates..... just all of valve's games seems to not wanna play offline.
Must i really say more? This game is really and truly the game that started me on the path to rpg games. I loved the way it required great reflexes but also strategy. That being said it was a little eas, not too long compared to almost any rpg but this dream mixture pulls a pre-portal and makes a game thats JUST the right length.
The characters are memorable, the battle system was fantastic, and it was the perfect merging of a nintendo franchise with the trappings of an rpg from squaresoft, including the obligatory harder than the final boss secret boss battle.
I really wish my words for this game could do it justice but if you are an rpg fan... play this game. Like right now.
well im off to go place animals in landromat dryers simply becausebeavis and butthead did it.
evil chad OUT!!! read