When I was very little, I became an avid reader of anything that sparked my imagination. Epic fantasies and controversial science fictions became my playgrounds, and however disparate the stories were, they often held similar themes of love and romance between the characters. I became a hopeless romantic (hooked as I was at such a young age), seeing the potential for 'true love' or even an electric compatibility between characters in almost any story, so it was only natural that I fell head over heels for the role-playing genre. RPGs are some of the most story-driven games, and therefore often focus on the need of the gamer to connect in some way with the characters.

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Roleplay 101

Chapter One - Unrequited Love: the Gateway Drug to Villainy

I know everyone's jumping at the chance to talk about Bioware games due to this months' topic, so I'll keep this mention brief. During my first play through of Mass Effect back in 2007, I didn't get my paramour achievement. It wasn't because I didn't try to flirt with my crew, I did. I just flirted with the wrong ones. I kept Tali in my party at all times because she seemed to me to be the most genuinely attractive all around. Ashley was a Nazi. I figured it must be awkward to be in the heat of the moment and have her scream some anti-alien slur, and Liara was barely legal in Asari years, plus she wanted to probe my skull (which I save for at least the third date). Tali's personality attracted me (she wasn't a blue-skinned harlot), and her finest physical feature was always staring me in the face during those long, lonely elevator rides. I only got the paramour achievement in 2010 after finishing my romance plot with Tali in Mass Effect 2. The point is, as a gamer, I'm used to falling for (or having my character fall for) another character who is unattainable. While this may seem depressing, it also shows the tenacity of gamers. After all these years, if a princess is kidnapped, we seek to rescue her regardless of social status differences or lack of sexual gratification.

The intro to Xenogears is an example of sexual frustration actually becoming a motivating force for a young hero. Fei is an orphan who was brought to the small village of Lahan. He's going to be the best man at the wedding of his friends Timothy and Alice who've helped him become a strong person, and to whom he's eternally grateful. Alice's brother Dan clearly dislikes Timothy, and wants Fei to be his brother instead. It's customary in Lahan for no men to see the bride the day before the wedding, but Fei is such a good chap that they decide to leave Alice and Fei alone together. Both characters share some awkward, overlapping dialogue concluding with Alice asking if Fei's ever wondered "what if?". The player realizes this girl is desperate to jump you, but feels obligated to maintain a platonic friendship for the sake of our buddy Timothy. Regardless of if we want to see her marry Timmy or elope with Fei, fate intervenes and sends our main character on his way with a new determination and a set of blue balls.

A character who experiences this frustration often enough (or at an increased intensity) may find themselves turning to the dark side. Many villains are just people who desperately want to get laid. Take Bowser, for instance: the reason he is a villain is because he keeps kidnapping Princess Peach. He doesn't hold her for ransom, he seldom kidnaps a man (mushrooms don't count), and he seems to have a growing supply of small dino-turtle children. All signs point to a lonely guy who's a little blue in the shell looking out for number one. In spite of their treachery and lust, these characters usually adhere to tradition. Baddies seem to be sticklers for formalities: in both Grandia and Super Paper Mario, enemies attempt to marry your girl of choice. This means that when the hero rescues the damsel in distress, she'll still be virginal (to some degree) instead of dino-damaged goods. An exception to the 'Villains always follow protocol' rule is Vigoro in Skies of Arcadia and his almost attempted rape of Aika.


Chapter Two - Sex Object as Trophy (or Achieving an Erection)

While we're on the subject of Peach... "I baked you a cake" is definitely a not so secret code for a free ride in Peach's warp pipe (admit one). There is no other reason Mario would put up with her Stockholm Syndrome bullshit. She is the prize, and if he doesn't win her, Bowser does. Peach isn't the only tart offered up at the end of a video game as a prize, just look at the arcade version of Double Dragon. Marian pits brother against brother, letting them tear each other apart in sexual frustration to win her as bragging rights. A modern day version of this is seen in Castle Crashers where four compete for the princess' kiss.

Games now have the player going out of the way to copulate for the sake of their Xbox or PSN status. Sure, I would have had a threesome in Fable 2 regardless of whether or not there was an achievement for it.. but my Zevran trophy will remain as a mark of shame for an easy lay. Zevran is the bisexual elf in Dragon Age who will sleep with anyone, and I still had to work for it. My character was despicable (due to the fact that I flirted with Morrigan to the point of stripping down and making out with her in front of Leliana and the fact that I kept giving the other characters toys and treats intended for Dog). He would sleep with Morrigan, immediately go to Leliana's camp site and ask her to regale him about the Witch of the Wilds, and then moved on to Zevran's tent to pitch one of his own. I've seen all possible sexy combinations in the first Mass Effect (Male + Ashley, Male + Liara, Female + Kaiden, Female + Liara), but it's very easy to not see any if you aren't trying. The trophies and achievements become that extra push to give that extra push.

Chapter Three - Be Yourself

You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. Unfortunately snowflakes have no genitalia and are incapable of reproducing or finding true happiness/love (doesn't it just melt your heart?). In RPGs, you have as much control over the personality of the main character as the writers allow. Despite this, how many of you have ever entered in the names of your friends for the characters' names when prompted? It makes it seem more personalized when your friend "Scott" gets bitten by a rattlesnake and dies, or is trying to become a chemist and has to tag along for every random encounter just to gain some experience.

When Final Fantasy VII first came out, I played it in turns with my best friend at the time. When we were prompted to enter a name for the characters, we chose ourselves and people we knew. We named the girls (both Tifa and Aeris/th) after the girls we had crushes on at school. Fortunately, I had dibs on Tifa. With a game as linear as FFVII storyline wise, it seems odd that this should make a difference in how much I enjoyed the game, but any sort of connection makes role-playing more in depth. It is often exhilarating to succeed in the romance aspect of a game if it is more personal. In a game about moral choices, it's fun to see what you would say or do, but sometimes it's even more interesting to just plain be a douche. My most recent play of FFVII on psn, I named Aeris "Deadmeat".

Chapter Four - Tool Academy

I don't understand why RPGs tend to have the complete douchiest tools as the main characters. You get to pick between Emo Douche (FFVIII), Surfer Douche (FFX), Preteen Douche (FFIX), or a little mix of all (FFVII). But hey, if the shoe fits, you must not hit 'quit'. Sometimes the writers take a complete jerk of a character just so they can change him by the end of the game into something a bit more relationship worthy. I'd still rather have a playable loud jerk than a silent protagonist in most situations.



While the main character in Persona 3 is a silent character, you put every line of dialogue in his mouth for him. Be the sweetest guy or a complete asshole, it's up to you, but I can't even remember all the "tender moments" I had with my classmates due to the fact that I was continually on the rebound. Timid student council girl? My jerk of a character claims you, only to forget you and move on to.... low self-esteem coach girl? Rinse and repeat until its time for the big leagues with Yukari, Fuuka, and Mitsuru. Villains do this all the time. Sometimes it's for new conquests like "more power", but power can be a cruel mistress, too. Romeo Guildenstern and Samantha from Vagrant Story resemble this sort of relationship. To quote the back of the case from the game Thousand Arms: "Go on dates with 9 beautiful women to learn new powers and the ability to create elemental weapons!" It doesn't get toolier than dating multiple women just to buff your sword.

I want more RPGs where you play as a gentleman, like Professor Layton. Someone dashing and debonair, not pompous and immature. Kaim Argonar (Lost Odyssey) is a warrior, not a professor of history, but his lifetimes of experience make him knowledgeable and mature, unlike a majority of the genre's characters. Blue Dragon is by the same people, but full of the Preteen Douche subset. Kaim has clearly done the deed (at least once), seeing as he's a grandpappy, but never does he have sex at the player's behest. This also means he's not set on saving the planet due to blue-ball-fever like the rest of the puberty-riddled fantasy casts. But what happens if the character has sex or has had sex before? Mass Effect forces you to wait until right before the ending to seal the deal and in some games you never do, but what do you do to keep the magic fresh?

Chapter Five - Experimentation

Ever wanted to bang another species but afraid of the icky diseases and "taboos"? Ever wanted to make your own cross-breed, but were afraid of having some kind of ottsel? Ever wanted to get pregnant, but was stuck in the body of a man? Ever wanted to have a threesome with a spouse and a prostitute in the same room as your newborn baby... man, Fable II is disturbing at times. If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions.... I can't help you, but video games can! Try spicing up your love life with things you would never try in real life due to morality and codes of law. In Fable I, my character was beloved by all; he was always winning the pub games and flirting with the fair lasses in town, but he led a double.. and triple.. and quadruple life. He had wives in every town, none who knew the truth. On top of that he bought cheap wedding rings, married the fine lasses, conjugated the relationship, collected the dowry, and decapitated the wives in the confines of his luxurious estate. Since he was a swell guy, no one thought the situation odd at all (and the occasional flame burst and lightning strike indoors did nothing to alarm the smitten citizens).

Video games allow us to test the boundaries of society. We can be virtual sexual deviants, killers, and dictators just as easily as we can be loving husbands and wives, caring children, or perfect matches for that special someone. Be a man in love with a woman, or a woman in love with a man, or a man in love with a man, or woman in love with a woman. Regardless of your real gender and sexual preferences, video games are an avenue for experimentation and discovery. Be serious about your relationships or be completely casual and promiscuous, it's your choice. I like to think I had a little insight into dating a "batshit" insane significant other just by playing Grandia 2, but nothing can quite prepare you for the real thing (not that I'm dating a crazy person- I'm not). After experimenting around, there's nothing like washing up and the obligatory bathhouse/shower sequence.

Chapter Six - Throwing in the Towel


The bathhouse and shower scenes.. Many games have them, and they almost always leave you feeling like a creepy voyeuristic pervert. There's the famous shower scene in Fear Effect and the bathhouse sequence from Lunar 2. In one of my favorite games: Skies of Arcadia, there's a sequence towards the beginning where your childhood friend Aika is freshening up and goes to her house to shower. During a carefree game of Hide-and-seek, Vyse seeks a little too much and can end up spying through a hole in her wall. Aika's fully dressed, but her hair is down and she spots you, giving you a good thwomping. From this early point, it sexualizes Aika above the "best friend" status, and sets the precedence for Vyse being a creep who wants to take advantage of helpless girls (even if it's not true). Persona 3 has at least two such scenes; one scene takes place during a fantasy delusion where the player sees another character in a hotel room shower, and again in a traditional bathhouse that happens to switch between all men's and all women's depending on the time of day. This scene boils down to a stealth action sequence that could be pulled from a Porky's movie.

These sequences are the cheesecake of RPGs; JRPGs don't often show any sexual acts on screen when the character gets the love interest, instead they showcase the awkwardness of two people when hormones interfere. Shower scenes are the genre's orgasm. They may be a tease by their nature, but they're the best the player's going to get. They become a mid-game reward, and are often unexpected.

As the improvement of technology facilitates the medium's focus on story-telling, I hope to see more mature relationships developing in RPGs. Lost Odyssey was a nice step forward, but most of the relationship was set in the past, where the player had no control. I want a game to make me fall in love for the right reasons (not because I'm trying to gain someone's loyalty) and I want characters to react more realistically to the way my character acts. Maybe we won't need the gratification of the shower if the actual relationship is satisfying. Till then, your assignment is to play the boatload of RPGs coming out this year. Don't forget to take notes!