I'll be the first to admit that many video game characters simply scare the bejeezus out of me. Floormasters in any Zelda game make me jump, Pyramid Head makes me terrified of the fog and air-raid sirens (not to mention hospitals), and Tub-a-Tummy from Little Ninja Bros. makes people into meatballs and eats them. While all these 'creatures' terrify me, there a few that (through a mix of bad-assery, ability to kill without consideration, or pure evil) I would dread encountering without a hasty exit or a trusty crowbar.

I begin simply with a master of darkness, and a killing machine:
1.) Richard B. Riddick

Riddick can kill a man with any available object, and in The Chronicles of Riddick, he kills a man with a teacup. No stranger to the dark, Riddick's vision only improves the darker it gets. Richard B. Riddick is a convict through and through, merely moving between cells and living between crimes. The goal is to avoid being in Riddick's way, which would make being in a narrow alleyway problematic. He's a natural survivor, however, and he leaves a trail of bodies several feet deep in his wake.

Verdict:
If you see this man in an alley, go the long way around. And bring a flashlight.

The next character up is a literal killing machine:
2.) The Cyborgs of Cyborg Justice

This classic Genesis game doesn't have much of a plot- two cyborgs begin to regain memories from their previous lives as humans and escape a factory, causing an army of robots to pursue. The cyborgs in this game will stop at nothing to escape, tearing their opponents limb from limb before ultimately ripping them in half. If the enemy has a better weapon for an arm, these cyborgs will rip it off and attach it to themselves, meaning they become fully customizable death-machines. Among the limbs they can acquire are crusher arms, buzz-saws, rocket arms, lasers, and flamethrowers.

Even after they have completely disassembled an enemy combatant, they can rebuild them from their lifeless husks, kick-start their emergency power supply, and proceed to torture them for a few minutes more. While Riddick plays the part of the escaped con quite well, the cyborgs one-up him with superior firepower and even more sadistic tendencies than the most wanted man in the universe.

Verdict:
Scratch away the part of your license that says you're an organ donor.

The next fellow's looks may disarm you, but watch out!
3.) The Happy Mask Salesman

He hides in dark passages. He shows children how to play the organ. He never stops smiling. That is, you had better hope he never stops smiling, for when his 'mask' is pulled away, the true salesman is revealed. Quick to judge, quick to flare his temper, and quick to throttle children at the first sign that things are not going his way, the "Happy" Mask Salesman is a threat to our children. He frequently loses artifacts containing world-dooming powers to small children, which may be his way of luring them in. I bet you'd look cute in this voodoo mask he might have said to Skull Kid before the events of the festival that might have killed every citizen of Termina. This man is a terrorist through omission, and an abusive pedo. He peddles his wares out of dark alleys, making him one of the most likely characters to be encountered.

Verdict:
If you see this man, call the cops immediately; he's not supposed to be within a hundred yards of Clock Town anyway.

Speaking of terrorists:
4.) Purple Tentacle

Purple Tentacle wasn't always so bad. He and Green were just regular old disembodied Tentacles until Purple encountered some toxic waste. This mishap caused Purple to sprout arms, and the rest is history. The future is no longer safe for humans because of this Purple pest. Purple's evil knows no bounds, and it takes three time travelers of questionable to Mensa intelligence to put an end to his schemes. Want further proof of his evils? Try his facebook page.

Verdict:
Look for a flag to wear as a disguise, Tentacles are more concerned about shape than color.

As for shapes, this man is a round peg in a square alley:
5.) Dou Niu

Seeing as Shenmue III is no longer even an inkling of a possibility, who cares about Lan Di? Dou Niu is the real end boss of the Shenmue franchise, and all of your training playing OutRun at the arcade can't prepare you for the final fight. After struggling to the top of a decrepit building, Ryo Hazuki encounters his most ferocious opponent: Dou Niu. Dou Niu threatens to drop a kid off of a sky scraper, but is abandoned by his boss, only making him angrier and more dangerous. His deadly charge spells a short merciless death for an unwary Ryo, but his massive size makes the fall more satisfying.


Verdict:
This guy's not getting into any alleys, but if he manages to, he's not getting out.

Six video game characters I wouldn't want to run across in a dark alley? That's easy:
6.) FoxHound from Metal Gear Solid

All six are terrifyingly good at what they do in their own right, but working as a team? Forget it. Only one man can possibly best these six, and even he can only do it one at a time. Mantis can make any lucid mind melt into a writhing bowl of tapioca, Raven can obliterate anything that moves, Wolf picks her prey and thinks of nothing else until he is dead, Octopus can be anyone at anytime, Ocelot has impeccable aim and a vast knowledge of torture methods, and Snake is a sadistic psychopath hellbent on destroying the world through nuclear holocaust. At any given time, at least three of the six are packing heat, while the other three are formidable without firearms. Needless to say, FoxHound very nearly started World War III, they wouldn't think twice about starting a fight.

Verdict:
Direct confrontation should be avoided at all cost; this is a sneaking mission!


Not every encounter in a dark alley is a bad one, though. Personally I wouldn't mind running into these folks:

A.) The Merchant from Resident Evil 4

We may have started off as 'strangers', but we grew to be friends. The first time I saw you, I thought you were another creep like the mask salesman. You wore that long coat; how was I to know what was (or wasn't) underneath? I was all alone until you came along, and you realized I didn't need masks to make me happy, just a gun or two. You asked me "Whatcha buyin'?" when I was looking to purchase a rifle, and you even "bought it at a high price" when I couldn't carry it anymore. That's what real friends do. You taught me that even sketchy looking people can be kind at heart.

Verdict:
When are we going to be on a first name basis? I think I'm your only customer.

B.) Millenia from Grandia 2

Right when I start getting close to you, you disappear. Who am I supposed to flirt with when you're gone, Elena? She's clearly not my type. Millenia is a night owl with a tendency to appear in front of the full moon, burn down a church or two, and pick fights with your main cast. So what if she's mostly evil? Her special attacks are amazingly bizarre, and she fits almost too neatly into the standard love triangle schematic. Deep down inside she's just looking for a little love, and who's to say where she might find it?

Verdict:
She'll find it in a dark alley.

C.) Robo

The Merchant proves that not all peddlers of wares are evil creeps who believe that you owe them favors, much in the way that Robo proves that not all robots are soulless killing devices. Some are killing machines with infectious theme songs (that can have good friends and help save the planet). Robo knows how important it is to hold the door for a lady or plant a tree or two. He would never disembowel a human (humanoids are fair game however). If I saw Robo's shiny glowing face in an alley I'd walk up and shake his hand.

Verdict:
Gato may get you the silver points, but there's only one robot for me.