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etfp avatar 11:06 PM on 11.03.2008
battle beast



these are one of the computer games that i find in the mac department at work.

first of all, i don't think this is anyway related to the figurines "battle beasts". note the plurality of thine beasts.

and this is the only image i can find of the cover of battle beast. i'll try to describe the awesomeness in strict detail.

- to actually realize how old this game is, it doesn't even come in a small case like they do now. this comes in a big ass oversized game box. this was back when game companies were like "endcaps. endcaps. endcaps" rather than "Good game. good game. good game".

- on the front of the box is artists rendition of two of the "battle beasts" doing what looks like a flying headbutt. in any regular situation, both of these beasts would be rendered unconscious and/or dead. BUT both of these beasts heads are made of metal. in the middle of said headbutt are threads of lightening to signify the fact that, yes the scientists are right, creationism be damned. not only has biology tempered these beasts' craniums for battle with steel and bolts, it makes them emit lightening as if their brains were the clouds above. and that's dove.

- of course the title is on the game. much like my subject line. now usually most video games would give a subtitle. like "thunderstrike: the reckoning" or "undercrotch: free your mind". this one is BATTLE BEAST: The ultimate fight game. fight game? nevermind. grammatical error aside, it defines hubris.

- so of course here's the plot. we're going to play a game. read the following passage while drinking milk. as you read the passage, feel free to laugh and allow as much milk to pass through your nostrils as possible. if you have more milk on your lap and shirt than in your stomach, congrats. you win a copy of battle beast:

(btw, i am NOT editing this in any way to seem funnier.)

THE CRISIS:

the evil toadman is breeding toads and setting them loose on the city. in an effort to control panic and smash the growing toad menace, the "general" created battle beasts, the ultimate in home protection, who morph into ferocious toad killers, programmed to destroy.

(still here? okay)

YOUR MISSION:

kill deadly toads while fighting defective renegade battle beasts head to head to gain power and points. learn strategies as you fight through nine scenarios of increasing difficulty on your way to meeting up with the evil toadman in a rousing final battle to the death.

BATTLE BEAST: The Ultimate Fight Game

- now pretend you're a designer for 7th level, inc. someone goes "i have an idea. an evil toad man makes toads and they start to wreak havoc around the city". now i'm usually not on the precipice of common sense but i think i'd be the first to go "stop drinking the bong water". the fact that there's an impending "toad menace" in this town is beyond me. where are the fucking cops? toad menace? wtf are these toads doing? if they aren't as dangerous as the ones at the end of magnolia, fk these toads.

- and as standard with all video games, you have bulletpoints describing the benefits of said game. the first one says:

spectacular gameplay that blows away mortal kombat, street fighter and PRIMAL RAGE. PRIMAL RAGE. PRIMAL RAGE? the dinosaur game where there was a fatality where you pee acid on your opponent? really? you name two of the best fighting game franchises in video game history and your third is PRIMAL RAGE? that's like saying your three favorite directors are spielberg, coen brothers, and uwe boll.

- another one that sticks out (because they kinda put tape on top of whatever was on the box before. i guess they were censoring something?) is:

fire rude interactive taunts at your opponent such as "you're dead meat" "whimp" or "i'm taking you out!".

which country do you live where these are real rude insults? the last time i told someone they were dead meat, we violated each other's restraining order.

- by the way the game is for any MAC computer with a 33mhz or greater processor. including power mac and OS 7.1 or greater. 12MB or more ram is required. with 8.5MB or more of application RAM. and a CD-ROM drive. also required: low sense of worth.

Tagged:    cblog    Retro  

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