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enigmaticmuffin avatar 8:26 AM on 12.29.2011  (server time)
Resolutions: I haz them...I think

So it's that time of year again, apparently. Presuming that none of us will be dead by the time the 2012 Olympics roll around (or whenever that Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world) then I may just manage to get some resolutions going. Unfortunately, my willpower consists of garnering enough energy to get out of bed in the morning and sit down at the laptop to do some work, albeit rather grudgingly.

So what to do? I know what I NEED to make resolutions about but the chances of me actually STICKING to them are slim to none at the best of times. For instance, I'm in desperate need of shedding a few pounds, not least because my most recent addition to the family was a rather large 10lb 40z and in the four months since he was born I've only managed to shift two stone of the five I put on during those nine months of sheer hell.

I also need to be more organised, keep in touch with people more regularly and resurrect that old contact method known as "letter-writing" (if you don't know what that is, ask your parents. Presuming they weren't born in 1996, that is). I need to get on top of that enormous backlog of articles I am supposed to be writing and the promotional material for the charity I am supposed to be director of. I ought to spend more time with the kids, the husband and - sadly - the iron. Because apparently irons are not intended as doorstops or paperweights.

When I do manage to drag my backside out of bed the right side of lunchtime, I need to start cracking on with things instead of procrastinating and, sometimes, procrastinating about my procrastinating. I need to put Skyrim back on the shelf, unplug my 360 and do something a tad more productive with my time. Like the washing up, perhaps.

Essentially, this is what'll happen: December 31st will crop up and I'll sit (playing Skyrim, naturally) whilst half-paying attention to my husband as he waffles on about resolutions and how he's going to get in shape (he looks just fine) and spend more time with the family than in the home office (as in, he'll open the door once in a while to shout for a cup of tea). I'll nod and make affirmative noises in the appropriate places and then babble some nonsense about how I'm planning on joining the gym, attending Zumba classes and getting up at 6am every day to clean the house before the kids wake up. Sounds good, right? Lots of great intentions and a decent enough starting point for self-improvement.

Then we come to January 1st and I'll invariably wake up at around 10am to the sound of the baby screaming and the toddler systematically destroying the place. My husband will still be sleeping and my 10 year old will be glued to some gosh-awful online gaming site for other kids her age which is invariably full of paedophiles and other registered sex-offenders. The house will be a state, it'll be cold and raining outside so the gym is out of the question and I realise I don't even own a copy of Zumba to play at home, let alone try to drag my ever-expanding backside out into the crappy English weather to find a class I can sign up to. And even if I do manage to get as far as registering, I then see all the disgustingly slim bright young things in leotards and ra-ra skirts poncing about in some draughty community centre as they warm up for the class. Looking down at my own stained T-shirt and tracksuit which barely stretches around the blubber that makes up my body, I quietly slink out of the room and head to the nearest fast food restaurant to eat my weight in MSG.

So what do I do? Revise my resolutions to make more attainable ones? Try to stick with the ones I have and force myself to make them work no matter how ridiculously incompatible they are with my lifestyle? Or shall I just whop Skyrim back into my 360, write pointless and ill-thought-out comments on Destructoid articles and occasionally compose some articles for my job? Shall I just take each day as it comes, try my best and enjoy the life I have with the people that I love? I'm not a smart person by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I know which option to go for.

New Year's resolutions? You can stuff 'em.

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