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BluDesign avatar 12:31 PM on 09.12.2007  (server time)
Japan: A Blog (from the year 2005) pt 4 of 912.

This is more of a mini-blog offshot of the others.

This is more aimed at Eliza, Florian, Dale, and Niero, or anyone else headed to Japan in the near future.

Part 4 is a list of things that they do not have in Japan. Japan is repsonsible for 41% of all global purchases of fine electronics and goods, yet, for some reason, they have no freakin' clue what some of the following are, what they're for, or if they'd have any need for them.

1. Diet cola.

They got no clue what diet soda is. Not once the entire time I was there did I see a Diet Coke. I know they have it, I was given a bottle by someone, but it's like torture to try and find it in a vending machine, and they don't serve it at restaurants.

2. Mustard on things

They love the mayo. I'm sure some of you do too, but fuck all, BEEF AND ROTTEN EGG SPREAD IS WRONG! Gimme a hamburger with mustard. PLEASE! Everything gets mayo'd.

French fries, burgers, hot dogs, sub sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches. Jesus. Lay off the white stuff guys!

3. Cereal.

I saw two boxes of the stuff there the whole time. The japanese breakfast is foul. You're full, yes, but you feel like you just ate the world's saltiest salad when you eat a piece of seaweed and a bowl of rice with bean paste soup. Go traditional if you must, but when you feel like vomiting after eating raw salmon steak and a soft boiled egg, don't come crying to me.

4. Denny's Breakfast

Oh, they have Denny's. Yeah. They even have a smoking section there. But one look at the menu, and you'll realize that Denny's is Denny's in name only. Denny's in Japan is the closest thing that most Japanese have to traditional American dining, and as such, they Japan-ify it as much as possible. Witness the Hamburger Steak.

What is that? It's being sold as a hamburger, yet, no bun, no fries.

Also, what's up for breakfast at Denny's? Pancakes, maybe?

You get a pile of noodles, soup, and a bowl of what looks like Stove Top Stuffing.

5. Mexican food.

Stock up on Taco Bell and gorge before you leave, trust me. It'll be the most delicious thing you've ever eaten before you go. They have no concept of what purpose cumin, chili powder, and oregano serve when cooked in their food.

There is no good Mexican food in Japan. Don't bother looking. If you find a Mexican place, run. It will only disappoint. The Mexican place I tried had a quesadilla that was basically a corn tortilla, fried, with a large piece of mozzarella cheese melted inside it.

6. Condoms

Yes, they have condoms, but not for you. The Japanese are... different, than say, you or I and chances are, the condoms they sell to the average japanese guy are not meant for you.

Average American Condom:

Japanese condom:

7. Morals

Go to any store selling porn and tell me they have a sense of morals. There's things to look for that will tip you off that the Japanese exist in their own perverse microcosm. Rape porn, bukkake, scat fetish, animal crushing, bestiality videos, lolicon, women only train cars, ecchi anime porn, tentacle rape, and so on. Leave your morals at the door, because you will only be disappointed if you come, clutching your bible looking to seek redemption. It ain't here.

8. Bewbs

It's torture really. Catgirls and anime would have you believe that there's these giant breasted blue-haired japanese girls running around looking to be raped by giant alien tentacles from the sky, but it's not going to happen.

9. Western toilets

This is more common for women than it is men. Girls, better learn to squat.
The Japanese toilet is this odd affair, normally seen totally in the ground, this elevated model is slightly easier to use, and was spotted in a bar where the concept of "drunken squat shitting" just ends up bad every time.

10. Deodorant

I don't know why, but they don't have the stuff in copious amounts.

Bring extra to leave with strangers on the streets.

11. Pizza toppings that people would want to eat.

The following is a list of options that Japanese people put on their pizza, note, the list of normal US and Brit toppings ends fairly quickly.

Sausage, Pepperoni, Cheese, Tomatoes, Ham, Pineapple, Curry, Squid, Hot Dogs, Corn, Octopus, Mayonnaise, Tuna, Seaweed, Tofu, Boiled Eggs, Eel, Zucchini, Eggplant, Potatoes, and Clam.

find a local Japanese based pizzeria's menu here.

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