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Japan: A Blog (from the year 2005) pt 4 of 912. - Destructoid

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I own a FamPuter, which is a 100% fake Famicom. And I do own Super Mario Bros. and Rockman 2 for it, which you don't. :P



I'm a 34 year old gamer. I cannot hang out with most of you, and you should not contact me to buy you cheap wine or cigarettes. I do not like jail. Seriously, I own all three consoles and I don't discriminate. Gaming is for fun, not for sissy slapfights. If you consider yourself partial to a particular console, I don't care why you don't own other consoles, I don't want to hear about it. If you're going to bitch about something, you'd better bring some hard evidence of why you're complaining if you want to cry on my shoulder.

Enjoy this wonderful picture of 2 generations coming together at last...



PS - I eat trolls.

PPS - I've been to Japan. Maybe you've heard about it? If not, read up here:

Part 1: Introductions
Part 2: Yamagata's Hanagasa Festival
Part 3: Harajuku Girls and the lack thereof
Part 4: You're not in Kansas anymore, Niero (TGS07)
Part 5: Fresh from the farm to your mouth
Part 6: Going to Japan is hard
Part 7: 30 days takes forever
Part 8: Rape, Rocks, and Alliteration
Part 9: Small Town Nightlife
Part 10: Bling Bling, Hundred Thousand Yen Bill Ya'll
Part 10 Part 2: Mount Yamadera
Part 11: The Japanese Wal-Mart
Part 12: Goin' Down to Tokyo Town
Part 13: Ghiblit Gravy
Part 14: Air Sex
Part 15: Ganguros of New Tokyo
Part 16: The Contest Announcement
Part 17: The Contest
Part 18: The Trip Itinerary
Part 19: Tokyo Day 2
Part 20: Tokyo Day 2 Part 2 (of 2)
Part 21 is no longer there, but it wasn't all that great anyway, so you're not missing out.
Part 22: Happy Picture Montage Time!
Part 23: I have arrived.
Part 24: I have returned.
Part 25: The Case for the American Cheeseburger
Part 26: Random pictures are random
Part 27: A Free Gift for Those Who've Been Paying Attention
Part 28: Nintendo, no seriously, NINTENDO
Part 29: Racists in Japan, Discriminating against the handicapped
Special Report from Cheapy D at CAG
Part 30: The Secret Truth About Japan
Part 31: Oz-Matsuri
Part 32: The Japanese Don't Have Antiperspirant Deodorant

Part 33: There's this Disney character named Stitch in Japan...
Part 34: Trainspotting: Live From Kyoto
Part 35: Kyoto for Beginners
Part 36: Kyoto Smash: Advance Lesson in Fun Time
Part 37: Some Japanese people are alcoholics
Part 38: Hardcore Otaku know where the real action is
Part 40: My attempt at getting the Oscar for Best Japanese Picture
Part 41: What heaven is like.
Part 42: I sneak into a movie studio to pitch my movie
Part 41: What heaven is like.
Part 43: My film idea is shot down in favor of yet another Power Rangers TV show
Part 44: Excessive Male Nudity in Japan
Part 45: The Japanese grocery store has no deli counter
Part 46: How the Japanese language is worked into Japan's society
Part 47: Izukayas and you: How the Japanese drink in public
Part 48: All you really need to know about the Tokyo Auto Show
Part 49: Gyudon Rocks.
Part 50: Tendo is the coolest place in all of Japan
Part 51: I really did poop immediately after that shot
Part 52: A Beginner's Guide to Tokyo Disney Sea
Part 53: There is no comparison. Cheeseburgers win.
Part 55: You've never had Tonkatsu, so you wouldn't understand
Part 56: Japanese iTunes for the Mac addict
Part 57: The other kind of Curry
Part 58: Popular Pop and "Lock" music in Japan
Part 59: I sing like how cats have sex
Part 60: The Iron Penis Festival
Part 61: A sad bit about racism in Japan
Part 9001: Electro Lemon's whirlwind visit to Tokyo
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This is more of a mini-blog offshot of the others.

This is more aimed at Eliza, Florian, Dale, and Niero, or anyone else headed to Japan in the near future.

Part 4 is a list of things that they do not have in Japan. Japan is repsonsible for 41% of all global purchases of fine electronics and goods, yet, for some reason, they have no freakin' clue what some of the following are, what they're for, or if they'd have any need for them.

1. Diet cola.



They got no clue what diet soda is. Not once the entire time I was there did I see a Diet Coke. I know they have it, I was given a bottle by someone, but it's like torture to try and find it in a vending machine, and they don't serve it at restaurants.

2. Mustard on things



They love the mayo. I'm sure some of you do too, but fuck all, BEEF AND ROTTEN EGG SPREAD IS WRONG! Gimme a hamburger with mustard. PLEASE! Everything gets mayo'd.

French fries, burgers, hot dogs, sub sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches. Jesus. Lay off the white stuff guys!

3. Cereal.



I saw two boxes of the stuff there the whole time. The japanese breakfast is foul. You're full, yes, but you feel like you just ate the world's saltiest salad when you eat a piece of seaweed and a bowl of rice with bean paste soup. Go traditional if you must, but when you feel like vomiting after eating raw salmon steak and a soft boiled egg, don't come crying to me.

4. Denny's Breakfast

Oh, they have Denny's. Yeah. They even have a smoking section there. But one look at the menu, and you'll realize that Denny's is Denny's in name only. Denny's in Japan is the closest thing that most Japanese have to traditional American dining, and as such, they Japan-ify it as much as possible. Witness the Hamburger Steak.



What is that? It's being sold as a hamburger, yet, no bun, no fries.

Also, what's up for breakfast at Denny's? Pancakes, maybe?
FUCK NO!



You get a pile of noodles, soup, and a bowl of what looks like Stove Top Stuffing.

5. Mexican food.

Stock up on Taco Bell and gorge before you leave, trust me. It'll be the most delicious thing you've ever eaten before you go. They have no concept of what purpose cumin, chili powder, and oregano serve when cooked in their food.

There is no good Mexican food in Japan. Don't bother looking. If you find a Mexican place, run. It will only disappoint. The Mexican place I tried had a quesadilla that was basically a corn tortilla, fried, with a large piece of mozzarella cheese melted inside it.

6. Condoms

Yes, they have condoms, but not for you. The Japanese are... different, than say, you or I and chances are, the condoms they sell to the average japanese guy are not meant for you.

Average American Condom:


Japanese condom:


7. Morals

Go to any store selling porn and tell me they have a sense of morals. There's things to look for that will tip you off that the Japanese exist in their own perverse microcosm. Rape porn, bukkake, scat fetish, animal crushing, bestiality videos, lolicon, women only train cars, ecchi anime porn, tentacle rape, and so on. Leave your morals at the door, because you will only be disappointed if you come, clutching your bible looking to seek redemption. It ain't here.

8. Bewbs



It's torture really. Catgirls and anime would have you believe that there's these giant breasted blue-haired japanese girls running around looking to be raped by giant alien tentacles from the sky, but it's not going to happen.

9. Western toilets

This is more common for women than it is men. Girls, better learn to squat.
The Japanese toilet is this odd affair, normally seen totally in the ground, this elevated model is slightly easier to use, and was spotted in a bar where the concept of "drunken squat shitting" just ends up bad every time.



10. Deodorant

I don't know why, but they don't have the stuff in copious amounts.

Bring extra to leave with strangers on the streets.

11. Pizza toppings that people would want to eat.

The following is a list of options that Japanese people put on their pizza, note, the list of normal US and Brit toppings ends fairly quickly.

Sausage, Pepperoni, Cheese, Tomatoes, Ham, Pineapple, Curry, Squid, Hot Dogs, Corn, Octopus, Mayonnaise, Tuna, Seaweed, Tofu, Boiled Eggs, Eel, Zucchini, Eggplant, Potatoes, and Clam.



find a local Japanese based pizzeria's menu here.



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