This ain't safe for work. At all. It's got links to a few pics you would rather not want to see at work.

I'm not responsible for any adverse reactions anyone experiences while reading.

I'm blogging this because...

A. It's about Japan.

B. It has a theme that ties in heavily with Destructoid.

C. Because it's an excuse to put funny quotes below pictures of wangs and masturbation devices.

Let me start off by saying, I am not Japanese, nor am I affiliated with Japan. So, any opinions or thoughts posted here are my own and do not reflect those of Japan or the Japanese in general. Chances are, they think this is totally cool to be doing some of this shit in public view.

Last week was the annual Kanamara Matsuri, AKA The Steel Phallus Festival.

Roll that one around for a bit while I tell you a bit about the festival, it's rich history, and why I haven't posted any pictures of it in this blog.

Dating back to olden days, the day was originally established as a day for Japanese whores to come and pray that they don't catch any STD's while servicing their clients. The festival has since expanded to cover women coming to pray for fertility, marriage strength, and of course, ease in ejaculation during bukkake.

The Steel Phallus came about because supposedly some chick had a demon in her hoo-hah what was biting off her BF's junk. Chances are she had crabs, but in any case, a blacksmith fashioned an iron wang (presumably out of iron and bits of real wang), and gave her a bit of the 'ol "how's your grandfather". This supposedly caused the demon to break their jaw, thus allowing the girl to resume her whoring ways.

Today, the Steel Phallus festival becomes an annual footnote for dozens of blogs (including this one) to showcase off pics of giant fake penii that adorn the festival grounds.

But, in an effort to try and remain dignified, I will not post any embedded pictures from the festival, and instead give you links to the pics, because mostly, they're a lot more shocking if you just click on it without knowing what you're going to find on the other side.

This first one is an establishing photo illustrating that, yes, the Japanese do delude themselves about their diminuitive penis size (aka The Middle Aged Man's Corvette):

http://www.wordpress.tokyotimes.org/archives/fest_phallus.jpg

They sell candy at the event. I don't necessarily get hungry at the thought of a penis festival, seeing as how Japan probably would serve up shark cock sandwiches if they could get away with it there...

Nonetheless, candy is a big seller there.

http://www.wordpress.tokyotimes.org/archives/fest_food.jpg

Next, one of a few semi-sorta safe for work picture, is a girl eating what appears to be a mushroom shaped lolipop.

I have no reason to believe it would be anything but a mushroom shaped lolipop.


Clearly she's a Super Mario Bros. fan

Those things must be REALLY goddamn tasty.

http://www.wordpress.tokyotimes.org/archives/fest_candyman.jpg

Everyone loves 'em.

Even couples.

http://www.wordpress.tokyotimes.org/archives/fest_candy_couple.jpg


Those are... uh... fireworks... that they're straddling.


Here are some so-so looking Japanese chicks who are burdened with carrying the... uh... large two toed chicken foot statue...

In other related cock news from Japan...

Laziness abounds with the hands-free masturbation device.


What in the sweet fancy christ are you supposed to use that wand-y looking thing on?

Selling for a super cheap $350, this masturbation automaton will free your hands for more dexterous challenges, such as replying to this post commenting on how free your schedule is now that you own one of these babies.

For those on a budget, you have your options.

There is a whole market of devices in Japan known as onani cups. Better known here in certain realms as the Fleshlight, these devices are for those lean times when you want something other than the gentle touch of your on-again-off-again GF Rosie.

Using the concept of "men will stick their crank in anything that resembles a hole", the Japanese give you several options for whacking off. Most of these run about $10 - $30.


This model features spinning razor blades, hooks, and is endorsed by Glay.


Sit down for this...

This model features two separate holes at each end, which provide a unique experience for you depending on which hole you are apt to use. Being that there are two separate and different holes in this device, the manufacturer recommends that you and a friend can both share this device at the same time to create the "virtual world of a threesome."

And of course, in doing so, you create the very real reality of being labeled as gay by all your friends for whacking off into a cup with a friend, who will be about 4 inches away from you the entire time you're masturbating. The cup may only be a one time use device, but hey, now at least the two of you have each other.

It does beg the question. Who pays for the second cup for round two?