Trent loves you all and wants to prove it to you the only way the man can.
By screwing over the record executives AGAIN.
God I love NIN.
I hope more and more big artists get the message with Trent's efforts and see that despite the absence of their safety net of the record management company that artists CAN make a living
It's a few scant days before May. Soon, April 29th will be upon us and the world as we know it will be forever scarred with Grand Theft Auto IV.
Since this is posting a few days before the launch of GTAIV, I figured I'd need to level with you guys about May's challenges before you buy your copy of GTAIV.
1. Someone in the group will actually do this challenge. That doesn't mean that they're going to win in June. That just gives them the luxury of being ahead for next month. So skipping May's challenge will be really painful for anyone who's been making strides on this so far to just give up now.
2. I'm finally sticking a prize in there that everyone has a chance to win. It ain't much, but without sponsors or anything it's coming out of my pocket, so please forgive me if it's not just a pile of cash and games for a prize.
3. These are the rules for May. There's no half-assery this month. What it is is what it is. I still love you all, but these are CHALLENGES. Not, "give people who beg for prizes what they want".
I'll post scores for April here in a few days at the beginning of May. I'm still tabulating for April, and it appears as though all scoring up to now is up to date.
So, without further adieu...
The Challenges for May:
Lego Star Wars II (Not the other one.)
68 points: Beat each level undefeated for 2 points, Beat the Lego City Mission for 20, and the Bounty Hunter Missions for 12 points.
I did my math on that one. It's 68 points.
See, even extended to this alt-universe, the new trilogy doesn't exist for me. So, only LSWII need apply. Play through the game and you should be able to sweep up these achievements pretty easily. It's a fun game and you can co-op locally with a friend to cover your ass to keep you alive on the Undefeated achievements.
So, wait, you're asking yourself right about now... Lego Star Wars is a LONG ass game. Where on earth am I going to find time to play LSW and get the challenges for Grand Theft Auto?
I got yer back buddy.
I care.
Hey watch this real quick before you read any further.
Oh, the second challenge. Right. Well, if you wanna know...
Grand Theft Auto IV
Sure looks like fun doesn't it?
Read the thing below. It's 100 points to complete the challenge.
Well, here in a few days, if you're going to participate, you're going to go buy yourself a nice new copy of GTAIV for the 360. Make sure, whatever way you buy it, you have your receipt visible in the picture (with date of purchase), a signature over the cellophane/security label as proof of your purchase by you, and then you take those, cblog the pics, and sit on them for 30 days.
30 days later, take your unopened copy of GTAIV, with a newspaper indicating today's date, cblog a pic of that, and claim your 100 points.
The basic thrust here is that you do not play your new copy of GTA for 30 days. And you must buy it for it to count.
If for some reason you just can't wait any longer and it's killing you, there are points to be had from this, just not at all how you want them.
Points will be valued based on how many days you clear in the challenge if you open the game early. 100 points for 30 days. 1 point per day for the first 10 days, 2 points for days 11-25, 10 points per day for 26-28, and 15 points per day for days 29 and 30.
So, let's say you manage to make it 14 days and you can't take it any longer and you wanna play some GTA. Whee! You get 18 points for your effort. The guy who makes it 25 days gets 40 points. Make it to 30 days with your unopened copy of GTAIV, and you get all 100 points.
I know this is a hard challenge for some people, especially if you're in a mindset of "fuck this, I'll never win, etc, etc..." So, ANYONE that clears the 30 days will get 500 MS points, directly out of my pocket AND you'll get the 100 points towards the challenge. It's not much, but it's something. You can use that to buy some Rock Band tracks, or some shiny new gamerpics to look at after you make the 30 day mark.
Again, I have to stress, you must wait 30 days to play, AFTER YOU BUY THE GAME. If you just wait till may 30th and buy it then to play, you're not going to win. But if you buy the game anytime between now and May 31st, you can participate. This means that this challenge runs well beyond May, and into June if you are a procrastinator like myself.
As for me, I'm going to be playing some GTA. Probably all night long on weekends and definitely the weekend of May 2nd. I guess the rest of you will definitely be catching Iron Man. Oh, and look at it this way. You're all definitely going to be outside and having fun come Memorial Day weekend, right?
The new torture
And notice what I'm not saying here. If I see any of your registered GamerTags with a listing of GTAIV on the playlist during the duration of the challenge, you're going to get counted on the day I see listed on XBL. Your 30 days begins when you post the first blog showing your signature over the security seal.
Bonus Challenge
It depends on what you're playing this month... - Double your point score
Playing Lego Star Wars for lack of nothing else to do? Unlock 80% of the game, and the bonus is yours.
Did you wuss out and bust open your copy of GTAIV on day 21? Unlock the You Won! achievement and complete the final story mission in the game.
If you're some sort of magical psychopath and manage to do both of these in a month, I'll give you a bonus prize of a 1600 MS point card. BUT! You must clear the GTA challenge before attempting to clear GTA, if you're going to try to beat both games
WOW!
Guess what? One month to go after this. June's gonna be a bitch compared to this, so rest on your laurels, sleep easy, and rest well in knowing that all you gotta do this month is just not play a game and you get a prize.
Because in June, you're going to have to kill to win.
Culled from Digg and Divine Caroline. Take up the one you love the most and make her watch it with you. If she still won't watch, then at least have her fetch you your clean up tissues.
Oh, I loved all those pranks you guys posted on April Fool's Day. Whew.
Now that we have the obligatory April Fool's Day tittering out of the way, I'm bringing good news fellow Destructoiderianziens.
Spring has sprung. All over your face. And with the sprung, brings new challenges for you to tackle, much like all those neglected stains on the carpet you've been meaning to clean.
Again, a reminder, you guys are tussling over the winner's choice of a 4000 MS point card or a free year of Xbox Live.
To carry over from previous months, we're going to have a breakdown of achievements by points, get the points to complete the challenges. Do part of one and be assigned partial credit for your efforts.
How the tally at the end will work is that the entrant with the highest score will win the prize. In the event of a tie, a randomizer will be used to determine a winner from the pool of tied scores.
I'm not posting the scoreboard because I'm still collecting scores for March. I was very busy this month so I was unable to keep up on the tally and I'm behind right now.
Hopefully this month's games will invigorate those of you who've been sitting on your laurels waiting for a game that really speaks to you and your mainstream tastes.
This month's Challenges are...
ROCK BAND - 50 Points
This man could not afford Rock Band, thus he is teh suck
Clear all the "Big in..." Achievements for 2 points apiece, and an additional 2 points for clearing Moscow. Clear the "Hall of Fame" achievement for 14 points.
Instead of telling you all about Rock Band, I have prepared this month's description as a rock opera.
*** - These are all on Band World Tour, so you either need to get some friends fast, or be able to do this VERY soon.
HALO 3 - 48 Points (my math sucked, I was wrong last time...)
I'll feel insulted if I have to explain this picture to anyone.
2 points for each skull achievement, 2 points for each campaign meta-game achievement. 12 points for Marathon Man
'Bout damn time I got around to it, eh?
After analyizing charts and graphs and listening to people bitch about having to play Yaris, I figured I'd drag out 'ol stand-by here for a good turn and some easier challenges.
I'm sure a few of you already have some of these, so get 'em locked in early and let me know if you've done them already.
And the bonus challenge...
It's the worst one yet. Oh holy hell. Duck and cover.
RUN WHILE YOU CAN.
UNO - Double your point total for the month
It's like this, but with the potential to see a lot more man ass over XBL, sadly.
You're aiming to unlock the Uno Shark and Devotee achievements. You must get both for it to count.
Uno will be hosted sporadically through April on FNF with Drunken Uno Night. Make enemies and fuck them over while offering slobbery threats through your 6 shots of Jagermeister.
Entries for this month must be completed either by the end of the month, or before the last person to contact me finishes the challenges. If a new entrant joins the contest, they must notify me via email @gmail.com for entry to extend your deadline until the end of the month.
May's challenges will be posted early, just like March was, so keep an eye out.
EDIT: Debito.org is blocking me from embedding the images, so I'm hotlinking everything. Probably bandwidth costs... Sorry...
A few sad facts of life about racism in Japan.
The Japanese have led an incredibly sheltered existence in Japan. Thankfully, most of their modern citizens are keenly aware of their bigoted past and are slowly erasing the stupidity of their elders from the face of the communities in major cities, but this mindset of ethnic purity still persists today in many rural areas, specifically in northern Japan.
One of the better reported instances of this is an onsen in Hokkaido.
After having to deal with constant barrages of unruly Russian sailors, the onsen just decided to unilaterally kick out and refuse all foreigners. If you didn't look asian, you were not allowed in.
When confronted with the issue of a mixed marriage couple, they refused entry to the husband (who had spent a decade in Japan prior to this) and unknowingly admitted a Chinese person into the bath house, who was then quickly asked to leave. The bath house justified their actions as non-descriminatory because they refused business to all but the Japanese. If they were to allow in an American or a Chinese person, it would be discriminatory to the Russians who were not allowed in. Er, what?
The normal entry fee for Japanese people is 360Y. So, paying 10X as much to take a bath for an hour just because you're a different color? What's worse? This or segregated water fountains? If you gotta choose either, there ain't much separating the two in terms of which is a shittier thing to do.
During the 2002 World Cup, this popped up again as many Koreans and international soccer fans invaded local towns and as soccer hooliganism is wont to do, cause a ruckus in several establishments leading others to outright reject foreigners from entry.
The above sign actually reads "Entry absolutely forbidden to Chinese and Naturalized Citizens, Chinese War Orphans (zanryuu koji), and people with Chinese blood mixed in. ONLY PURE-BLOODED JAPANESE MALES PERMITTED"
In Misawa, a city in Northern Honshu (about 3 hours north of where I was staying...) is the largest US Air Force installation in Japan with over 43,000 working US soldiers and citizens on base.
Outside of the AFB's walls are many signs that their presence is not welcome.
Snack bars are basically hostess bars where the girls talk to you, you buy them drinks, pay for their time, etc.; but they do so in lingerie, and not much more than an overpriced T&A show with no sex.
Well, understandably, the language barrier would keep me from bothering with the chit-chat, but to deny entrance for that reason alone is pretty fucking stupid.
My reaction to seeing this is a mix of shock and understanding. Japan is one of the few countries where the locals do not take to change well. Seeing a foreigner in their midst is like having a fleck of pepper in a sea of salt crystals. You stand out really obviously. Now, in my efforts to blend in, I did my part to be as amicable as possible to dissuade any accidental exclusions. Obviously in a lot of "big" places, cities, and the like this was never anything to worry about. No one at the gates of Tokyo Disneyland is gonna refuse you entry.
But in my travels to some of the smaller towns, I remained respectful of people's privacy, kept to myself, kept my head down and didn't loiter. When interacting with Japanese (ordering lunch, asking for items at shops), if I didn't already know what I was looking for, I made damn sure I had some default phrases worked out in my head to ask in case there might be any miscommunication on my part.
If you've ever run into a situation where you're stuck with dealing with someone who's speaking a language you don't understand, your instant fallback is to speak slow english. The Japanese don't know this trick. Not that it'd help, but they'll keep carrying on at full speed as if you understood everything. Honestly, you have to be ready for it.
Was what I did a "giving in" to their semi-racist expectations of my behavior? Possibly on some levels, but to a Japanese person with no English, I'm not doing them any favors by fumbling around looking like a doofus and butchering their language for the sake of getting a cheeseburger.
And I know that in my dealings with ordinary random Japanese people, although I was looked at oddly at times (300lb fat white dudes aren't exactly commonplace there...), I did my best to adapt to their culture rather than force them to adapt to my ignorance of their lives. In probably my most unique situation I encountered, I really had to fend for myself on one day when I was in Kakunodate visiting the Samurai houses. There were no gajin there. Just me. And I did my damndest to fit in and be as polite and respectful as possible in all situations. As a result, I was shown the same level of respect and dignity that I had offered to those I encountered that day. And in Japan, that's about the best you can aspire to achieve.
If you'd like to read more on this topic and where things stand today, check out http://www.debito.org for more information.
You know, a lot of people avoid these games because the prospect of handling a small instrument could bring connotations of looking "gay", "stupid", or "retarded". Well guess what? Those fears can be allayed because BEAMZ has hit the scene, and it's ready to kick Rock Band's ass as stupidest thing to wheel out in front of people who love and respect you.
Here's their informercial.
Props to Gizmodo for the original article, and for having the ballz to actually try it out when they get their review version of it soon.
This ain't safe for work. At all. It's got links to a few pics you would rather not want to see at work.
I'm not responsible for any adverse reactions anyone experiences while reading.
I'm blogging this because...
A. It's about Japan.
B. It has a theme that ties in heavily with Destructoid.
C. Because it's an excuse to put funny quotes below pictures of wangs and masturbation devices.
Let me start off by saying, I am not Japanese, nor am I affiliated with Japan. So, any opinions or thoughts posted here are my own and do not reflect those of Japan or the Japanese in general. Chances are, they think this is totally cool to be doing some of this shit in public view.
Last week was the annual Kanamara Matsuri, AKA The Steel Phallus Festival.
Roll that one around for a bit while I tell you a bit about the festival, it's rich history, and why I haven't posted any pictures of it in this blog.
Dating back to olden days, the day was originally established as a day for Japanese whores to come and pray that they don't catch any STD's while servicing their clients. The festival has since expanded to cover women coming to pray for fertility, marriage strength, and of course, ease in ejaculation during bukkake.
The Steel Phallus came about because supposedly some chick had a demon in her hoo-hah what was biting off her BF's junk. Chances are she had crabs, but in any case, a blacksmith fashioned an iron wang (presumably out of iron and bits of real wang), and gave her a bit of the 'ol "how's your grandfather". This supposedly caused the demon to break their jaw, thus allowing the girl to resume her whoring ways.
Today, the Steel Phallus festival becomes an annual footnote for dozens of blogs (including this one) to showcase off pics of giant fake penii that adorn the festival grounds.
But, in an effort to try and remain dignified, I will not post any embedded pictures from the festival, and instead give you links to the pics, because mostly, they're a lot more shocking if you just click on it without knowing what you're going to find on the other side.
This first one is an establishing photo illustrating that, yes, the Japanese do delude themselves about their diminuitive penis size (aka The Middle Aged Man's Corvette):
They sell candy at the event. I don't necessarily get hungry at the thought of a penis festival, seeing as how Japan probably would serve up shark cock sandwiches if they could get away with it there...
Those are... uh... fireworks... that they're straddling.
Here are some so-so looking Japanese chicks who are burdened with carrying the... uh... large two toed chicken foot statue...
In other related cock news from Japan...
Laziness abounds with the hands-free masturbation device.
What in the sweet fancy christ are you supposed to use that wand-y looking thing on?
Selling for a super cheap $350, this masturbation automaton will free your hands for more dexterous challenges, such as replying to this post commenting on how free your schedule is now that you own one of these babies.
For those on a budget, you have your options.
There is a whole market of devices in Japan known as onani cups. Better known here in certain realms as the Fleshlight, these devices are for those lean times when you want something other than the gentle touch of your on-again-off-again GF Rosie.
Using the concept of "men will stick their crank in anything that resembles a hole", the Japanese give you several options for whacking off. Most of these run about $10 - $30.
This model features spinning razor blades, hooks, and is endorsed by Glay.
Sit down for this...
This model features two separate holes at each end, which provide a unique experience for you depending on which hole you are apt to use. Being that there are two separate and different holes in this device, the manufacturer recommends that you and a friend can both share this device at the same time to create the "virtual world of a threesome."
And of course, in doing so, you create the very real reality of being labeled as gay by all your friends for whacking off into a cup with a friend, who will be about 4 inches away from you the entire time you're masturbating. The cup may only be a one time use device, but hey, now at least the two of you have each other.
It does beg the question. Who pays for the second cup for round two?
On my second night there, I demanded to go do some Karaoke.
Fenris and his GF scrounged up some friends and co-workers to come along and we booked a room at the locale Karaoke bar.
On the way over, one of the guys in our group convinced us to drink some energy drink that supposedly helps you avoid hangovers.
Here's the American version of this drink. 1/2 red bull, 1/2 ginger ale. Don't ask me if it really works, I rarely get hangovers as it is, so I'm of mixed opinion if it actually did anything.
In Japan, Karaoke is a more private affair, it's your party in a room, all by yourselves. You have a giant TV with a karaoke jukebox, some microphones, a pair of tambourines, and a telephone for ordering more booze.
Oh, and a giant book of Japanese and American Songs.
Because our party was split into 8 people, 2 americans, 2 canadians, 1 UK, and 3 Japanese, our musical tastes varied slightly.
There was some Journey and Loverboy (A Canadian's default options for rock music), some Slayer (who knew they'd heard of Reign in Blood?), some Garth Brooks (see, cause Fenris and I are both from Texas...), hell, I even tried to rap to Sabotage.
We sang for about 2 hours.
The highlight of my evening though was that one of the teachers from Fenris' place of work actually was impressed that I not only knew Japanese, but that A) I knew the following song and B) that I knew ALL OF THE LYRICS.
This is the theme song from Urusei Yatsura, an anime from the early 80's.
I figured at the worst, I'd picked the wrong song, we'd hit SKIP and we'd be done with it.
But strangely enough I had picked the right song (out of the 5,000 or so anime theme songs they had listed) and I sang along with no problems whatsoever.
When we were singing English tunes we'd get english subtitles for our songs. This song had Japanese subtitles, again I surprised myself by being able to read about 70% of the subtitles WHILE singing along with the song, which is fairly tricky considering how fast the song's lyrics are.
I then managed to slog my way through Oshiri Kajiri Mushi (the butt biting bug song) having only heard the song once before that night. Something about it stuck in my head. I wonder what it would've been...
Maybe it was the video...
Here's the essential breakdown of what you're supposed to do during Japanese karaoke.
1. Pick a song.
2. Wait your turn.
3. Drink.
4. Shut the fuck up if it's not your turn to sing, doesn't matter if you know the words or not.
5. If you don't shut up, you're going to be on tambourine duty, and you'll instantly look gay while brandishing the tambourine.
6. When it's your turn to sing, actually sing on key, if possible.
7. Don't pick the last song. Everyone is leaving and whatever you pick will be regretted the next day because you'll invariably either pick a ballad or a parody song, neither of which go down well after 12 beers.
Afterwards we all went out to hang out at a real authentic Japanese Irish pub. We knew it was authentic because they had more than one kind of Guiness. On tap. Bravo Japan, bravo.
Sorry for no pictures. I forgot to bring my camera on Karaoke night so no pics of it.
As an apology, I offer this...
It appeared to be a restaurant of some sort.
Restaurant district of Shibuya
The wholly unremarkable Weber BBQ grill. Retail cost in the USA? $80. In Japan? $228.
I own a FamPuter, which is a 100% fake Famicom. But I do own Super Mario Bros. and Rockman 2 for it, which you don't. :P
I'm a 30 year old (god that's weird...) gamer. I cannot hang out with most of you, and you should not contact me. I do not like jail. Seriously, I own all three consoles and I don't discriminate. I also don't take prisoners. If you're going to bitch about something, you'd better bring some hard evidence of why you're complaining if you want to cry on my shoulder.
Enjoy this wonderful picture of 2 generations coming together at last...
