Hello, I'm Lewis, I'm a lot like you, only I'm probably not.
I got into gaming as a child, when I was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. I would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 I had my first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. My desire to avoid death has since made Wario Land 2 one of my favourite games of all time, as Wario was immortal and this stopped me questioning my own mortality. Pokemon too fitted into this realm of immortal beings where only fainting occurred after heavy amounts of electricity as opposed to permanent void dwelling.
After I graduated from the philosophical quandaries posed by hand held gaming I obtained a PS1 and fell in love with games like Spyro, Crash and Rayman 2, a game so deceptively fucking terrifying that I have reoccurring dreams about the giant spider. And the king of nightmares. And the robot pirates. I don't care what any of you say, Rayman 2 is NOT for children.
I have a deep love of humour in games, with some of my favourites being no More Heroes, Brutal Legend, Team Fortress 2, Portal and Super Mario Galaxy. Sometimes I like to play bad games too, such as Alone in the dark, which is as hilarious as it is depressing. I have aspirations to become a writer, comedian and maybe one day game designer, but such things are simply the wet dreams of a desperate teen. Odds are I'll end up working in an office chewing on pens longing to go home and half write a blog.
Everyone loves the New Year. Itís a chance to let bygones be bygones, turn over a new leaf and tell the Mayans to go fuck themselves. 2013 is the year we shouldnít have, the days that we didnít count on. Well, at least these five games didnít count on them, and now nobody knows that they even exist! Well let us right a wrong. These games might turn out to be great, but in terms of PR they also decided that exclusivity to just the developers was enough. This is the top 5 least anticipated games of 2013.
5. Medieval Mayor
Normally Iíd fill these articles with images to give you an idea of what they look like, but with Medieval Mayor that would involve me drawing something for you. Because, despite my best efforts to source an image of the game, the best I could get was this:
So yeah. I can tell you itís a 2d strategy game based around building a medieval village. Also itís definitely not Age of Empires. Or Populous. But it is Medieval Mayor, coming this year to a PC! And when I use the singular of PC I mean the singular of PC. Because this game is being published by Tilted Mill, who outside of a break they got with SimCity Societies have made a series of games nobody has ever heard of. Have you played Nile Online? Tilted Mill sure hope you have.
4. Rambo: The Video Game
Rambo is an iconic figure from 80s action films who helped define the military tactic of ďstand-out-in-the-open-and-donít-ever-let-go-of-the-triggerĒ long before The Heavy ever had a chance to. Rambo is almost destined for greatness as a video game character, with a fantastic setting, a protagonist who chews up rainforest like McDonalds and a great reason to go mental with set pieces. So itís great to see it in the capable hands of the developers of:
Liquadator 2, for those of you who donít know (ie all of you) is an FPS that seems to be based on Quake and Doom. I canít really get much more info on it other than that, mostly because the only review I could find of it was on GameSpotís user review page, and it simply reads:
I think weíve got all we need to know out of that. The developers remain optimistic, however, promising that players will be able to ďget under the skin of Rambo and wield his iconic weapon-set in battle.Ē
Sounds sexy. Unlike our medieval predecessor however, we do have a few screenshots. Hereís one for you:
ThatÖ sure looks like a game. Maybe this trailer will clear up whatís going on here:
Thatís a trailer for a Rambo film. Because none of that was a game. Oh dear Reef EntertainmentÖ oh dearÖ
3. Ravenís Cry
Like we said at the start, not every game on this list is going to be bad, just unheard of. Ravenís Cry fills that quota perfectly, an under the radar title that has swum so amazingly low itís actually a bit disheartening. A pirate adventure that focuses on the darker side of the lives of ship owning murderers, Ravenís Cry looks to be sort of kinda decent. It won some E3 awards from a German website anyway, so maybe thereís something to it. Letís have a look at them there trailĎar!
OK itís not quite GTAV, but itís almost Saints Row 2. Considering this is the second game ever made by Octane Games it looks like one of those 7 or 8 out of 10 hidden gems that everybody sort of forgot about after 2009. Except itís coming out this year.
Now Iím not saying inexperience is an excuse, but, well, I think Iíd play it. And considering the game has technically had media since last April Iím somewhat saddened to see it so low on everyoneís radar. Ah well, when it comes out, maybe then Iíll be able to say I told you so. Or you know, nobody will notice.
2. The Walking Dead: Survival Instincts
Activision have a real knack donít they? They build up franchises to a level that makes them critical and commercial darlings (Call of Duty, Guitar Hero, Tony Hawks) and then proceeds to remove all the talent from the studios, overwork them and watch the whole thing collapse in on itself. Well the good news is that this time they didnít have to bother making the successful version of the game, instead theyíve decided to let Telltale do that for them and immediately jump to the horrific cash grab edition.
The Walking Dead: Survival Instincts could well be the most evil thing Activision will ever do, and they didnít even mean to do it. Many people after the surprise victory of The Walking Dead at the Spike VGAís will go out in search of the title on store shelves. And what will they find? This:
Brrr. A bland, unimaginative, borderline last-generation standard FPS. How do we know itís awful? Well this (admitably not official) trailer of game footage will show you:
Horrific, in all the wrong ways. But we all know the controversy. ďThatís not the official trailer!Ē I hear you cry. ďThis is leaked footage, itís not ready for public consumption!Ē Well the game is due out in March, so youíd think some gameplay would exist. Ah! Look! A full trailer! Letís watch that:
This game is going to be shit.
1. The Croods
Letís do this. Letís throw everything we can together and guarantee a shit game. OK first, itís a movie tie in, check. Even better, itís for a film nobody wants to see, so thatís double check. Thirdly, itís a childrenís animated film, so weíre all engines blasting on making sure the creative materials are as bland and tedious as possible.
OK thatís IP wrapped up, now letís choose a genre. Platformer? Oh no, theyíre so rare these days the platformer fans will actually be grateful. We need to find a genre so overdone, so devoid of original content that when anybody even glances at the cove theyíll simply groan with disgust. Of course! It was staring at us in the face! A party game. Itíll rock nobodyís world.
But now we have to triple lock this fucker, how can we absolutely make sure not an iota of quality ends up in this rancid pile of shit weíre cooking up. We need a developer with a track record so simultaneously bland and bad that the game will practically sigh as you put it in your console. Who could be capable of such awful mediocrity? How about Torus interactive? Youíve never heard of them? Exactly.
These un-notorious bastards made a Shrek kart racer, a Scooby doo Lego game rip off (that uses a fucking laughter track) and of course, has made loads and loads and LOADS of completely forgettable movie tie ins. Theyíre just the right men to do the wrong job.
Oh, and how much information is there on the game? Well it promises ď a thrilling experience for players of all agesĒ.
You fucking liars.
This article was originally published on www.pixelgrater.com on 30/01/2012 hence why some data is out of date. If you enjoyed this why not visit us at www.pixelgrater.com
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