As of writing this, I have already written my intro post on the forums and I already finished my intro blog post. I haven't submitted the intro blog post yet. I've been sitting on it for a week and a bit now.
Why? Failure. Acceptance.
So in my younger years, I was never really accepted into the main group of "friends" that every one hung out with. Maybe my skin colour, maybe I was just weird, maybe it was my own insecurities. So instead, I watched from a distance, I watched everyone. Essentially I was doing what the vast majority of the internet calls "lurking". I "lurked" in real life. It's lonely.
[sub]"Maybe my skin colour,"...[/sub]
I think all the lurking formed the way I even play games; I always picked the sniper.
That feeling of always being rejected and unwanted always held me back. At least it held me back artistically. And by artistically I mean writing. And by writing I mean the garbage you're reading now. Primarily because I'm so damn terrified of rejection.
Don't get me wrong, I still wrote. I just never showed anyone. My other half of 4 plus years now has never seen a word I put down on paper. Actually, now that I mention it, she's never seen my writing, nor have any of my previous "halves". I wrote down my thoughts, and my thoughts were MY thoughts. Crazy, bewildered, uninhibited, provocative, touching, hateful. Who would accept that kind of burden knowing that lies under the surface?
No one really accepted me as a kid. Lost confidence. Now as a functioning adult I suppose I've matured to the point of not caring or I grew up passed my insecurities (unlikely). I still fear the rejection, but I guess if I do get rejected, I'm simply not good enough and I have to improve. No more holding back. No time for regret.
[sub]"This is the truth! This is my belief! ...At least for now." - Belthasar in "The Mystery of Life" Vol. 841 Ch. 26[/sub]
I suppose I learned a little while ago that one has a finite amount of time to spend on this plane. In my "real life" I started going outside my boundaries to explore the world a bit. I literally went on a 3 day vacation out to a cottage. Hey, I never said it was big or anything, but to me it was a huge step. I'll write about that trip later.
I'll put my pen down to the paper like I always have, but this time I'll show you people, and maybe my other half. I have little time left and I have more exploring to do. This is apart of it. If it isn't good enough, so be it, I was never meant to write. At least I can say I tried. Heh.
I'll make my thoughts, I'll type them away, wear down my keyboard.
Write. Write. Write.
I'll post my intro blog right after posting this.