Wii Fit.

This was Nintendos big thing at E3 this year. A goddamn step. A step that senses your balance. I honestly didn't think it was possible for Ninty to invent a way to make people look even more like special ed kids holding sparklers while playing games, but I stand corrected. This makes flailing around with a wiimote in hand look dignified.

You would think, since the Wii is still in its first year of life, that Nintendo would try to develop and experiment with the far from perfect mechanics of the wiimote some more, since it is the consoles' bread and butter. This electronic exercise step is just some gimmicky tool Nintendo is using to draw more "non-gamers" towards the Wii, an act that is quickly alienating people who actually enjoy playing "games." And by games, I mean stuff that transports you away from the real world. Things that actually require some skill to play. Things that you can sit down and play for hours on end, alone or with friends. Not something that you lean from side to side on, all the while looking like a goon. And do people seriously expect to use this thing for more than 15 minutes at a time? Call me crazy, but after a few rousing rounds of "virtual hula hoop", I think I would call it quits and re-evaluate what I was spending my free time on.

Am I alone in this? What kind of games could they expect to create for this? All I could come up with was a surfing or skateboarding game. Other than that, its just going to be the same Wii Play crap that becomes lame after the first few times you play it. Maybe I'm just jaded, like that Aerosmith song. Maybe I'm just angry that Super Mario Galaxy and SSBB are taking so damn long to be released. All I know is this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iYBmAVuBns) portrays exactly how I feel. Whats up Nintendo?

I couldn't get the video to embed. Just copy and paste, unless clicking the mouse a few extra times makes you angry.

note: I would just like to say that I wrote this a few months ago, obviously way before E3, so keep that in mind while reading.

I can only sleep for no more than 2 hours every night. When I am awake, I shake uncontrollably like a cracked-out chihuahua. I've lost half of my teeth, my skin is falling off, and when I blink my eyes roll back into my skull and try to gouge my brain out. O yeah, and my heart is crumbling into a million tiny spite-filled pieces. Why, you ask, has such a horrible fate befallen me? WHY, DAMMIT!?

Nintendo. Thats why.

Blame Shigeru Miyamoto. Blame the Wii. Blame Mario, wherever he is. Hell, blame Luigi for all I care, he's always messing things up anyways (fact: Luigi impregnates an average of 43 men per year. Men!). Blame whichever beloved character you want, but the fact is that Nintendo is ruining my life. They are scaring the shit out of me. And they are breaking my heart.

When we first met, my Wii and I really hit it off. I have to admit though, I was a little obsessed over her. I waited online to meet her (yes, my wii is female, I checked.) all night in the freezing cold with a bunch of the biggest posers I have ever met in my life. Ya see, these fellows were only waiting online so they could they could meet their own wii, but then immediately sell it to the highest bidder. Fuck that. I believe only the most hardcore gamers wait in front of a closed store all night to get their new system and actually keep it instead of hawking it to some rich bastard who has the wherewithal to pay 600 bones for a $250 console.

Back to the romance. When the first rays of sunlight broke through the clouds in the morning and thawed my frozen corpse, I knew it was almost time to meet her. The intelligent, handsome, and muscular fellow who had the luck of opening the gamestop in the morning finally showed up and unlocked the doors. I was getting very nervous at this point, and I had a raging hard-on (from that hand-job your mom was giving me. Zing!) Finally, at 9 am, the videogame man opened the doors of the store to the public, and I was first in line. I had my ticket ready, showing that I was one of the maniacs who waited in Hoth-like conditions all night. "Good morning, sir. You're finest Wii, if you will." I said. "Of course, monsieur. Right away," he replied. (apparently I was at a very ritzy gamestop). As he reached behind the counter, my excitement was so intense that i accidentally blurted out "I want you inside me!" Of course, I was talking to the wii, but the guy behind the counter thought I was talking to him, and he promptly slapped me across the face (like I would ever say that to someone without them buying me dinner first. In his dreams!).

Finally, after I gave him my money, he handed the shiny, white box to me, and I fell in love. There were sparks flying between us at that moment. Playboy Playmates could have been giving out free tacos and blowjobs all around me, and I wouldn't have noticed. All I saw was my Wii. I couldn't wait to take her home. I was so tired I almost fell asleep at the wheel a few times (I would have gotten some sleep while I was waiting all night but the son of a bitch next to me would not shut up about how "Van Wilder 2: the Rise of Taj" was the funniest movie ever made. Ugh.) I almost crashed few other times because I could not stop staring and the raw sexiness that was buckled up in my passenger seat. Yeah, I buckled my wii into the seat. Safety first, Kids!

I barely made it through the door before I tore all of her clothes (packaging) off. When we were done with the foreplay (hooking it up to my TV), I turned her on. And boy o boy did she turn me on. I played Wii Sports. Bowling was just like the real thing minus the middle-aged lesbians, cheap beer and stale nachos. I was blown away. Next up, Excite Truck. It was the most fun I have ever had with a racing game since MarioKart 64. Last but certainly not least I inserted The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. I started playing, and the next thing I remembered it was a month later and I had beaten the game completely and unlocked everything you could unlock. I don't think I went outside of my room for that entire month. I can't remember the last time I have been so completely taken over by a videogame before. My wii had me wrapped around her finger. Hook, line, and sinker.
Like all relationships, things began to turn sour. She made things very complicated with her flawed "friend code" system. Seriously Nintendo, like, what the fuck? Did you honestly think this was a good idea and people were going to like it? When Microsoft has the excellence that is Xbox Live and you decide to use this garbage, its like pitting Emmanuel Lewis against Batman. And Emmanuel Lewis's hands were made out of cotton candy. And he was blind and paralyzed. And he started eating his cotton candy hands during the fight. Why even bother having an online system when you aren't going to put any effort into it? But I love my wii so much I could look past her flaws, few of them as there are.

But now I feel like she is using me, ya'know? Like when we first met she had all of these wonderful games, and now she just doesn't care anymore. She is like a completely different person...machine console thing. She doesn't offer me anything anymore except stuff I've played 10 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love old videogames. Alot. But she has this controller that provides an almost endless amount of possibilities of ways to play games, and the only thing she gives me is Warioware and Wii Play. If you've been keeping up, she wanted me to try something new in the bedroom (what, my wii is in my bedroom. its not like I have sex with it or anything..) so we played Warioware. Lets just say she made me do things that I was not comfortable doing. Like acting a damn fool. We have been dating for 3 months now, can't she give me anything else? Something as good as Twilight Princess? I know Super Smash Brothers: Brawl and Super Mario Galaxy and Metroid Prime 3 are coming out eventually, but shouldn't she give me something now? I feel like there is nothing to look forward to anymore when I come home to see her. And sometimes I feel like she only cares about herself.

Lately I just can't seem to look at them my darling wii or Nintendo in the same light that I used to. I feel like they are taking me for a ride. That Nintendo and her secretly made this plan to lure me in, and once they have me where they want me, they are going to just leave me high and dry and run off with all of my money. I love her, but I don't think she loves me back. And she doesn't even look at me when we do it anymore.

Nintendo, if you can hear me, please don't make the Wii break my heart. She has so much potential, but almost nothing to offer the hardcore gamer. You seem to think she is only a vessel for releasing older games and attracting the senior citizen demographic. But she is so much more. I believed you when you first told me about her, about how she was going to change how people look at videogames. And she did just that, not just for me but for millions of people around the world. But the feeling is fading, and fading fast.

Does anyone remember when they were young, around christmastime, when you would get one of those huge catalogs from Toys R Us with every fucking toy ever in it. They called it a wishbook or something? Thats exactly what E3 is like. A slew of trailers and footage come out of that show that drive half of us crazy with yearning.
Killzone 2. Holy Shit. Seriously. When I saw the in-game footage from E3, I nearly wet myself. And Crapped my pants. And if I had, I wouldn't have cared. I wouldn't have even used my ass-wiping knowledge to clean myself up. I would have just sat in my own filth and watched the video another 20 times. This is exactly what the PS3 has been lacking since its failure of a launch. Those cocky bastards at Sony should have pulled their heads out of their asses for a few moments before the shipped the first consoles so they could see that their supposedly superior system (hold on a second I just tied my tongue in a knot.....ok all better) was lacking the one thing any gaming unit needs: a great launch title. The N64 had Super Mario 64. Xbox had Halo. Ps3? Balls. They had nothing. And especially with a $600 price tag, you need something to get people to want to spend that much money at launch. And I'm not talking about those shitheads who buy systems when they first come out so they can resell them on ebay for 300 time more than what they paid.
So anyways, Killzone 2 looks incredible. The video is only a few minutes long, and the latter portion of it is just the same thing over and over, but I must say, my mind was blown. Up until the moment I saw that footage, i had not even considered buying a Ps3, even with what I had saw of Lair, which also looks spectacular. But what can I say, I'm a sucker for a great looking first-person shooter. Thats the reason I wanted an Xbox after I saw a commercial for Halo, and its the same reason (I can't believe I'm actually saying this) I will probably cave and get a PS3. The graphics in that footage are FUCKING RIDICULOUS. When you shoot them, the Hellghast hold their wounds! Wherever you shoot them! Thats more realistic then some actual shootings I've seen on video!
However, there is a downside, as there is to most good things in life. Undoubtedly, the Sony fanboys (who I would like to find and make sure they are never able to have children) will be crawling out of the woodwork with their haughty attitudes, boasting "I told you so!" in their whiny voices to everyone who argued with them that the PS3 was not the best next gen console, at least not so far. God I can already see the damn message boards flooding with their shittyness. Maybe we will be lucky enough to get a few Youtube videos like there have been in the past.
The thing that sucks is...well it doesn't really suck so to speak, but its an inconvenience. An inconvenience that makes me spend more money then I have. The thing that sucks is if I do spend the dough to get a Ps3, I will have to get an HDTV as well, which is just not in my budget at this current juncture. I do not see a point in owning one but not the other. They go together like Friday night and drunk.