My fellow gamers, for too long I have held my tongue, for too long I have watched from the sidelines as our beloved Destructoid community has slowly become corrupted from within. Such crimes against humanity have been brought on by the one we have all come to known as Jim Sterling. Since the inclusion of Jim "The Rapist" Sterling, our once peaceful gaming community has slowly fallen into chaos.
Jim "Yahtzee" Sterling was born in England, the same England that ruled over the entire world for decades. It is the same nation which gave the world plague and Amy Winehouse. Jim "Karl Marx" Sterling does not only review games for Destructoid, in his spare time he likes to write lies about American made games like Halo Wars, while lauding more European games like Killzone 2. You see my friends, his bias knows no bounds.
Every week Jim "Hitler" Sterling appears on Podtoid, a podcast hosted by a Mahmoud Ahmedinejad look-alike. Every week this vile man mocks the only Native American in the staff whose ancestors helped build this glorious nation. This is not the Eighteenth Century Mr. Jim "Stalin" Sterling, we Americans do not discriminate the Native people of this country. My friends, I wish that was the only problem with this man-beast, but it isn’t. Not only does he regularly conspire to have forced intercourse with one American Nicole Wiebe, but he also has no respect for the American values, and refuses to acknowledge our Declaration of Independence.
Jim "Charles Manson" Sterling hosts another podcast, one called The Podcastle. The Podcastle is a podcast which is directed to the less patriotic and more uncouth members of the community. Every other week Jim "No Talent" Sterling and his co-hosts Wardrox and Atheistium try to brainwash the pure men and women of our world with their filth. Just from their fake names, you can deduce that these people are not good honest people. They are godless, jobless warmongers, who would like nothing better than to corrupt you with their impartiality.
Now I know what you are thinking, how can these monsters are employed by our fearless leader Mr. Destructoid? I have wondered the same thing, and with my ingenious internet sleuthing skills, I have found the dirty little secret that they conveniently “forgot” to tell you.
Yes what you see is true my friends; our cherished, well developed and girthy website is being managed by a bunch of communist invaders. These are people who are not born American, and might as well be sleeper agents for all we know.
These people are taking our American jobs, bedding our American Women, eating our American food; and yet they still have the nerve to complain about our American High Fructose Corn Syrup.
The United States Customs have failed us, and clearly the CEO Cat has no idea what is going on. I know this is a lot to take in and I know you are scared, but we still have an option. Join our resistance; together we shall purge this place of all contamination. Now that the Destructoid headquarters is empty of the traitors, we can overthrow the CEO Cat and finally claim what is rightly ours. With the help of our Beta Clan, we can restore power to the only legitimate owner, a true American, one who truly understands the video games journalism business, one who has been handpicked by the brightest minds in the country. One who is so baller that he will blow your mind.
My fellow Destructoiders, join us and finally we can rid this place of the smut that has been building up since the departure of our one true leader. These Brooker-lovin Mexican Liberal Nazis should go back to where they came from, only then our community and our entire lives can be sacred once again.