So I recently started playing games from my past. Games that I used to be good at, or at least competent enough not to die ever 10 seconds.

This all started with the Wii. When they released Kid Icarus on Virtual Console, I just had to pick it up. And man, if I didn't fucking suck at it. Let me introduce you to the wealth of my suckage. It took me a over an hour to get past the fucking first level. And... I am not talking the whole level 1, I am just talking level 1-1. I would die from being hit too many times. I would die from falling off (no fucking scrollback!). I would die just because I was too pissed to pick up the control after slamming it down on the ground. After another few hours of ass pounding... I gave up. I set it down, and haven't played since.



(Oh, and whatever you do, don't ever search google images for wtf...)

And this just makes me sick:


I couldn't believe what had just happened. Kid Icarus used to be one of my favorites on the NES. I chalked it up to a fluke. Next came the original Zelda. And again... I got owned. I couldn't remember shit from the game. Well... I could, but only after the fact. I started saying "Oh, I remember that now".


I decided that this was just the Virtual Console railing me. So I got an NES, and started playing. First up Blaster Master, next Ikari Warrirors, then Kung Fu, Ice Hockey, Blades of Steel, holy shit... I can't fucking believe this. I can't play any NES games.


My last ditch effort... Super Mario Bros... Wait... I remember this... I know where the warps are! I can beat this in no time. I have a hard time not holding down the 'B' button, as that is how I used to roll, but all it is causing me to do now is roll to my death, and in a much faster pace than would normally happen. I FAIL.


If my 12 year old self was here watching me play... he would get pissed off grab the control and kick the shit outta me.


So why is this? Is it because I am spoiled by the new graphics? Is it because my brain can only wrap itself around these new complicated warped control schemes? Is it the old school game play? My TV that is way too big for these low res games? Am I just out of practice? It is probably all those things and more. I will blame all that other stuff because I can't believe (or let myself acknowledge) that it is because I am getting older. That I have lost just that little bit of hand/eye coordination to through me off my game, or that my memory has faded.

So I decided to slow down a little... and try some nice turn based RPG's... mmm... Dragon Warrior, how I love you so. I will pick up the action titles again, sometime soon, and when I do, I will go into it with the knowledge that I am going to suck. Because whenever you have low expectations, you are almost always pleased with the results. (I think that is the saddest thing I have ever said about myself).


Let me tell you kids it sucks getting old, so enjoy your quick reactions, and stellar memory now. Because one day, you too will get owned by your previous self.