In what is the coolest jobs I've ever had, I write about toys for a living. All day, nothing but toys. It's amazing. When I'm not writing at work I'm writing at home, either working on my screenplay or my children's novel. When I'm not doing any of that I try to get in some video game time. I'm currently rocking Nintendo only consoles because dammit, I love Nintendo. More than Nintendo, I love platform games. Even though my favorite game isn't a platformer (The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker), it is my favorite genre of games.
Follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/thekillerbees and add me to your 3DS Friends List (1633-4277-3240 and let me know so I can add you to mine.) I'd love to meet some people who want play some Kid Icarus, Resident Evil: Revelations and Mario Kart 7.
It was around 2:00 am this morning during crackedbat's regular aerosol and Olde English 800 binge when an ad caught his attention. It was an ad for yoga pants that look like jeans. After he was done masturbating to this ad, crackedbat logged onto Destructoid.com and saw another ad. This ad did not contain yoga pants that look like jeans, and that made crackedbat angry. As soon as he took care of his anger boner, crackedbat did the only thing he could and installed ad block on Destructoid.
And it's all Dale North's fault.
You see Dale North (whose middle name is Hitler by the way) promised crackedbat a cronut from Dominique Ansel Bakery in NYC. How Dale was supposed to deliver this cronut through email did not concern crackedbat because a promise is a promise. That promise was made 33 hours ago. With no cronut it's clear that Dale Hitler North reneged on his promise. You know what we call people who renege on promises? We call them poopyheads.
So with no cronut as promised by Dale Hitler Mao North (who is probably also a conniving Jew, just look at the nose of his) and without proper fap materials in the ads on Destructoid, crackedbat was left with no choice but to block all ads on this stupid, lame, bullshit website that he visits roughly 75 times a day. Sure, online ads aren't nearly as effective as traditional advertising, pay pittance to the website owners per viewer when compared with other forms of advertising and crackedbat is part of a tech savvy generation that has been fine tuned to ignore annoyances like web ads; but still, like... come on. It's like when you're walking down the sidewalk (or drunkenly through the middle of traffic waving a big floppy double headed purple dildo like crackedbat enjoys on Christian holidays) and you see one of those sign twirlers standing on a street corner advertising a new housing development. Sure, they're just trying to get paid so they can feed their families, but they're also slightly inconveniencing crackedbat. So what do you do in that situation? Do you ignore them? Fuck no, you do what crackedbat does and push them into traffic, record them getting hit by a bus and then show the video to their grieving family at his funeral. You know, like a real American does it.
Hmm. Well, congratulations Dale Hitler Mao Stalin Palin Hannity Khan North-owitz, you only managed to make crackedbat install adblock plus, extra for dtoid and dtoid alone (that sentence makes sense in English, right?). This site looks great without the ads... is something an asshole like crackedbat would say.
PS: Just in case you're reading this Dale Hitler Mao Stalin Palin Hannity Khan Ganondorf Sephiroth Voldemort North-owitz, if you still want to give someone the cronut, give it to someone who has used Wii Fit U for the past three weeks as a reward for their dedication to a fitness regimen during the holiday season, a notoriously difficult time of year to do something like that.
So yesterday, a Destructoid employee who shall remain nameless had a mini freak out over a couple of assholes/douchebags/idiots/people-who-think-they're-way-funnier-than-they-actually-are making a few comments alluding to the idea that Destructoid is on the take from publishers. Of course said employee denied this, just as staff members have in the past. Turns out they're full of shit. crackedbat launched a massive investigation this morning around two-ish because something just didn't smell right about a video game website reporting positively on non-gaming aspects of a video game console. What crackedbat found will shock and sicken you. As evident by the photographs below, crackedbat is sad to say that it is true Destructoid is being paid by video game companies for coverage. Be warned: the following photographs might be difficult to look at.
Destructoid lost a great man this week. Tony Ponce served us all well as the Mega Man ambassador while championing pro-Nintendo causes (something that’s rare on this website). He dazzled us with his amazing observations on gaming, his wit, his charm and his ability to find those gaming related videos that make us all laugh. Tony Ponce will be missed. It’s just a shame he died while watching “Make Way for DLC,” though we commend his zombie corpse for keeping up the contributions to this site for as long as it could.
It may not be clear how things will change without Tony, but soon enough that change will come. Tony has gone to a better place. That place is called the unemployment line. Though crackedbat was unable to meet him in person, crackedbat hopes someday he will get the chance to shake Tony Ponce’s hand right before Tony gives crackedbat a handjob in exchange for some money for cocaine. Enough time will eventually pass when Tony willl wake up one morning in the gutter, his arm tingling from the Krokodil, and slowly crawl his way back to Destructoid.com headquaters begging for his old job back. Only by then Modern Method will have been bought out by Rupert Murdoch and turned into gay hook-up site for Islamo-Fascist terrorists.
That’s the is inevitable future of Destructoid.com without the presence of Tony Ponce. That is unless it is able to replace him with someone as smart, witty, strong, sexy and fully capable of being the man Tony Ponce pretended to be. That someone is of course crackedbat. See crackedbat is ripe and ready for his shot to take Destructoid from the 8,087th most popular site on the internet to the 8,085th most popular site. And crackedbat has five good reasons why he is the ideal man to take over the well grooved seat Tony Ponce has left behind.
#5 - crackedbat Loves Mega Man
If Tony Ponce is the world’s biggest Mega Man fan, crackedbat is certainly number two. In fact “number two” was his nickname in high school, given to him by his parents who always referred to him as a “giant number two.” crackedbat has played all five Mega Man games: Mega Man 2, Mega Man 3, Mega Man 9, Mega Man 10 and Mega Man X. He has also nearly beaten one of them, which is a lot because those games are fucking difficult.
crackedbat’s favorite thing about the Mega Man franchise (besides this much needed rest Capcom has graciously put the series on) is all the great Robot Masters. Robot Masters like Strike Man, Top Man, Pump Man and Splash Woman have captivated crackedbat, inspiring him to write some of the greatest Robot Master-slash-fic 4chan.com has ever seen. If you have a moment, read his genre changing epic “Top Man Becomes Bottom Man.” It will give you a whole new look at the corporate tax rate in Peru.
#4 - crackedbat Knows What The Readers Want
It’s the question that website staff will ask themselves every day: what do our readers want? crackedbat knows. After doing a wide variety of experiments and research studies, crackedbat has found the one thing all readers want: they want to not read. Why spend time writing some important and well thought out article when you just post ten pictures of cats and call it a day? Hell that’s all Buzzfeed.com does, and that website is in the top 200.
Even comments on stories don’t require any effort beyond a sentence and a picture, as proven by these results:
crackedbat has studied this out well. If he’s brought aboard the R.M.S. Tistructoid, he’ll bring the Buzzfeed style of article “writing” with him and all the journalistic integrity that comes with a website like that.
#3 - cracbat doesnt need an editar
Lets fase it: the internet is home to sum of the wurst writing evar created. With txting and twitter, the riden word has ben beaten and broken down in to a nuthin but a pile of letters. But not all hop is lost. crackerbat is a rider by trade. He writes all day about kewl things like toys n stuff,,, and its like awwsome. And he dose it all w/o the help of an editar; and it really shows!
#2 - crackedbat Only Likes To Do Lists of Fours.
So there you have it, the reasons why crackedbat is the perfect candidate to replace Tony Ponce. To see more of his work visit Familywatchdog.us. If you’re not totally impressed, crackedbat understands. But if you don’t hire him, be warned:
On my game shelf right now sits a copy of Shin Megami Tensei 4. It is my first forray into a mainline entry in the series. I bought it not only for the sweet deal that came with buying it and Fire Emblem Awakening, but also the fact that there aren’t many mature games available for the 3DS, and even fewer with giant dick monster. So it sits on my shelf next to my copy of Infinite Space, one of the lesser known games from P* that graced the DS a few years back.
Both of these are small, niche games. They appeal to only a small segment of gamers. Small, niche appeal is something that Atlus Games is known for. Its niche fanbase is something that Atlus has built up over its decades in the business. The Atlus Faithful is something many other small developers would kill for.
Atlus got to be the big fish in the tiny pond because it catered to its fans and it worked within its limits. None of its games are million sellers. Its games rarely, if ever, make the top 10 titles outside of Japan. You won’t see a Persona or a Etrian Odyssey title on any best selling games of the year list anytime soon. Yet even without having a superstar franchise, Atlus thrives. It thrives in Japan and its niche fanbase in the US turns out every release with cash in hand for the next Altus masterpiece. Atlus knows how to cater to its niche audience, and that is what I fear will be lost with its acquisition by SEGA Corp.
Technically, Atlus is now run by SEGA Dream, which is owned by SEGA Corp., which is owned by SEGA Sammy Holdings. The confusion over who actually owned the company caused way more uproar than it warranted, but now the truth it out. We know that SEGA owns Atlus. We know that SEGA Sammy has plans for the Atlus IPs that extend beyond video games. We know that SEGA is looking a different devices for Atlus to spread onto. Technically, SEGA wants to “further facilitation of revenue growth for the PC Online Game Business and Content Business for Smart Devices operated by SEGA and SEGA Networks Co., Ltd. by exploiting acquired prominent IPs.”
I’m not about to go on an anti-mobile gaming tirade, but as one of those niche gamers who Atlus caters to I worry about losing that. I worry about a F2P mobile game being developed in lieu of a handheld or console title. It seems more and more companies are trying to expand their audiences at the expense of those who got them where they are. I can understand that thinking. Many gamers are spoiled and they want the very best every goddamn time. Giving the very best can be expensive so developers have to do everything they can to make their games profitable. It’s a vicious cycle of snark and hate. I don’t want Atlus to go down that road. Games like Shin Megami Tensei and Etrian Odyssey shouldn’t have to worry about finding an expanded audience if they want to continue to exist because they exist just fine as they are. As an RPG fan, who loves biting into a hearty adventure with a ragtag group of heroes, I don’t want to see those titles go down the road that so many others have. People said that SEGA is better than Capcom or EA or Square-Enix, and that’s true, but a Atlus on its own would have been the best, if improbable, outcome of this situation.
And this isn't me being worried about the lack of localization. SEGA knows exactly what types of games Atlus releases and SEGA knows about the Atlus faithful. I have no worries that the US will miss out on Atlus games because we still have Atlus USA. I know that SEGA is chided for its decision to not localize Valkyria Chronicles 3, but really it should be chided by its decision to make the game for the PSP.
In SEGA and SEGA Sammy’s defense, there are some benefits. With SEGA Sammy Holdings flipping the bill for Atlus, we might actually see a PS3 or PS4 Persona game. With SEGA’s great relationship with Nintendo, we can assume the much anticipated SMTxFE title will still happen. But things are changing, and people are resistant to change. This move could be an unexpected benefit, or we could watch as Atlus goes down the road of Hudson Soft. I don’t like watching things I love die and that’s why I am worried about this acquisition.