In what is the coolest jobs I've ever had, I write about toys for a living. All day, nothing but toys. It's amazing. When I'm not writing at work I'm writing at home, either working on my screenplay or my children's novel. When I'm not doing any of that I try to get in some video game time. I'm currently rocking Nintendo only consoles because dammit, I love Nintendo. More than Nintendo, I love platform games. Even though my favorite game isn't a platformer (The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker), it is my favorite genre of games.
Follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/thekillerbees and add me to your 3DS Friends List (1633-4277-3240 and let me know so I can add you to mine.) I'd love to meet some people who want play some Kid Icarus, Resident Evil: Revelations and Mario Kart 7.
Twas the day after Christmas, and crackedbat was drunk
Off of Redbull and Vodka, Red Stripe and spunk
With his eyes the color of blood
and his face so damn pale,
he decided to sit down
and write about gaming wins and fails.
See 2013 was a great year for fun,
from Fire Emblem to Mario,
there was something for everyone.
While Destructoid decided to shut out the 3DS,
crackedbat canít do that,
because this year was its best.
And while 2013 gave us much reason to cheer,
there are also those few games that made us all jeer.
So without further adieu,
and completely in rhyme,
crackedbat will tell you the Best and Blurst things,
about the last 12 months time.
We start with the good, before we get to the bad,
with Barbara & Her Sisters,
them bitches be rad.
They made Rayman Legends such a joy to play,
theyíre crackedbatís favorite new characters on this Boxing Day.
But not every character can experience such glory,
just ask the entire cast of Natsumeís Hometown Story.
These people were a drag, with personalities that blew,
theyíre the blurst characters that crackedbat wished he never knew.
From the people to the story,
though some gamers hate it,
Bioshock Infinite, crackedbat thought was the greatest.
While the game a chore to play, the story was fresh
with parallel worlds, and idea that will soon be done to death.
The setting was great, with a MacGuffin or two,
from beginning to end,
crackedbat was stuck like glue.
Speaking of glue and how it keeps you in,
Recca Summer Carnival 92,
was the game he just couldnít win.
But crackedbat kept playing, no matter the odds
because this little shooter,
is straight-up boss.
Itís the best little time sink, this game ainít crap
unlike that goddamn sinkhole called the Injustice App.
Here is a ďgameĒ that begged you to pay,
to win and unlock shit without having to play.
This is a terrible trend,
where you must slog through 55 hours,
to unlock an outfit.
But enough with that turd, letís get back to the goods
A Link Between Worlds sent us back to Lost Woods.
While the game could be more daring,
worth no more than a 7,
the Item Rental System was absolute heaven.
Itís a great innovation that changed how you play,
unlike parkour in Sonic Lost World,
that shit was gay.
Thank you little blue man for running off that ledge,
Wasnít copying Galaxy was supposed to give you an edge?
But guess what? It didnít.
Your game plainly sucked.
50 bucks crackedbat is never getting back,
his wallet is fucked.
Speaking of bad, Jett Rocket 2
exactly what did they think this game was gonna do?
At least the first game had a plastic sheen to distract,
this game is a mess from the very first act.
Taikai Atoll 1, the first level of game,
did nothing to inspire,
instead itís just lame.
Now Hands-On Hall, thatís how you make a level,
from beginning to end, an experience to revel.
With stealth aspects, platforming and finding your way around
this may be the best ever Mario level, hands-down.
Speaking of 3D World itís the best of the year,
with every new level giving you reason to cheer.
crackedbat enjoyed the variety and the music of Switchboard Falls,
this game brought the excellence
... this game has balls.
If you havenít played it you should,
let crackedbat tell you in rhyme,
Super Mario 3D World is the greatest game of his time.
crackedbat is a list man, so if you want to know the list
of the top games he played this year, well here comes your wish:
3D World is number one, followed by Dark Moon
Now there was a little game that made crackedbat swoon.
Follow that with Gunman Clive and the worldís greatest Duck,
who provided a challenge that would make anyone scream FUCK!
In fourth we have Fire Emblem, followed by New Leaf
though his town has been neglected by its poorly appointed chief.
The sixth spot belongs to the fun Pikmin 3,
with graphics so stunning, from the plants to each bee.
Rayman Legends is next, followed by Infinite,
next comes Pokemon X, though crackedbat has yet to win it.
Finally at 10, letís give this a whirl
crackedbat selects The Legend of Zelda
A Link Between Worlds.
Those were the best, the games were quite great
but there is one title that crackedbat just hates.
He thought he would like it,
so he bought it with no reviews to be seen,
but Hometown Story was the blurst game crackedbat played in 2013.
It was a game he anticipated, but the end product blew
with game design that had been left behind in 1992.
A shop isnít a farm, it shouldnít be built so far away,
from the customers youíre seeking to come shop there today.
So there you have it, now you all know
the games that were played that made 2013 glow.
Now as he waits for The Wonderful 101,
a game he knows will be a dream,
crackedbat wishes you a Happy New Year,
see you in 2015!
Goddammit I hate the internet. I hate it so much. This device, this network, thisÖ series of tubes has turned from a normal, boring introvert into a man with two personalities: my web persona and my real persona. My real person is one of a boring introvert. I go to work. I play video games. I try to diet. I do a little writing. There is nothing special about him in the slightest bit. Heís a wallflower, but my web persona is completely different. Heís an arrogant asshole whose favorite pastimes include picking fights, making fun of others for getting into arguments and defend shit that doesnít need defending. To be honestÖ itís really tiring. Iím tired of it. Iím sick of the person Iíve become due to my infinite access to chat rooms, comment threads and more. The internet has taken me from whatever type of decent human being I used to be and turned me into a dick. Just an absolute, insufferable dick.
I only have myself to blame, but there are certainly websites that pushed me along the way. I used to be naive about much of the world. Take video games for example: I used to only care about playing the games. With my subscription to Nintendo Power I didnít think much about the culture and the business of games. I only cared about rescuing whatever princess I was trying to rescue at the time. But the internet changed that. Up until I opened Pandoraís gaming box (i.e. visited my first video gaming website) I didnít realize the Gamecube was Nintendoís worst selling console. I didnít realize it was a failure. I didnít realize that other people hated Nintendo, that it was a company for kiddies and that Nintendo was doomed. Like the caveman discovering the wheel, internet gaming sites opened my eyes. Unlike that caveman, all I got a good look at was bullshit.
Sad part is I didnít realize it was bullshit at the time. I thought it was just a nice clean pool. So I went swimming, diving headfirst into the bullshit of it all. Suddenly I had an opinion about game sales or console sales or if a game truly deserved to have a 10/10. I was arguing about how Nintendo was the best company, how Sony was stupid and how Microsoft was ruining gaming. I picked fights with people who disagreed with me, argued about Metacritic and Gamerankings, and wrote thread posts that were full of venom intending to aggravate the most people possible. I became a dick, and I found myself surrounded by other dicks who were all acting the same as me. Hate bred hate, anger begot anger and it spread to other websites, beyond the realm of gaming.
The vitriol of it all started to affect my real persona. Suddenly I was angry all the time because of some argument on the internet. This is what gaming had become for me. It was no longer about saving the princess or taking first place; it was about pointless arguments on the internet on frivolous shit and twisting the words of others to make them sound like a bully in a bid to win sympathy support. I became the shithead I never wanted to be.
Eventually that anger spread throughout me, and I became something worse: a douchey know-it-all. I should have seen the signs. Earlier this year I posted a blog here writing about all the things you could do in September instead of playing Rayman Legends (as the game had recently been pushed back). Did I do anything on that list? Nope. Hell, I didnít even own a Wii U at the time, yet I still felt the need to be a sarcastic jackass about the situation. I ended up buying Rayman Legends and turns out itís a really fun game that brings me joy. Did writing that piece bring me joy? Sure, but it was fast food joy compared to Rayman Legendsí prime rib joy.
I donít know what the point of this post is, but I do know that something has to change. I wonít give up gaming because it brings me joy. I canít give up the internet because itís where I get my news. But I will eventually have to restrict myself when it comes to comment threads and chat rooms because clearly I have no self control in those situations. I canít get in another argument about console or game sales because in the end, I donít give a fuck how many copies Super Mario 3D World sold. That game is fun as shit. Thatís all I want to know about it. Thatís all I need to know about it.
Iím just going to end with this: when I wrote that piece about Rayman Legends, I said that I would rather give my money to charity than give it to Ubisoft. I ended up buying Rayman Legends, but Iíve kept my word on the donation and matched the money I put towards Rayman Legends with a donation to Direct Relief International. Hopefully this will be the start of something beautiful, something my web persona could never appreciate.
It was around 2:00 am this morning during crackedbat's regular aerosol and Olde English 800 binge when an ad caught his attention. It was an ad for yoga pants that look like jeans. After he was done masturbating to this ad, crackedbat logged onto Destructoid.com and saw another ad. This ad did not contain yoga pants that look like jeans, and that made crackedbat angry. As soon as he took care of his anger boner, crackedbat did the only thing he could and installed ad block on Destructoid.
And it's all Dale North's fault.
You see Dale North (whose middle name is Hitler by the way) promised crackedbat a cronut from Dominique Ansel Bakery in NYC. How Dale was supposed to deliver this cronut through email did not concern crackedbat because a promise is a promise. That promise was made 33 hours ago. With no cronut it's clear that Dale Hitler North reneged on his promise. You know what we call people who renege on promises? We call them poopyheads.
So with no cronut as promised by Dale Hitler Mao North (who is probably also a conniving Jew, just look at the nose of his) and without proper fap materials in the ads on Destructoid, crackedbat was left with no choice but to block all ads on this stupid, lame, bullshit website that he visits roughly 75 times a day. Sure, online ads aren't nearly as effective as traditional advertising, pay pittance to the website owners per viewer when compared with other forms of advertising and crackedbat is part of a tech savvy generation that has been fine tuned to ignore annoyances like web ads; but still, like... come on. It's like when you're walking down the sidewalk (or drunkenly through the middle of traffic waving a big floppy double headed purple dildo like crackedbat enjoys on Christian holidays) and you see one of those sign twirlers standing on a street corner advertising a new housing development. Sure, they're just trying to get paid so they can feed their families, but they're also slightly inconveniencing crackedbat. So what do you do in that situation? Do you ignore them? Fuck no, you do what crackedbat does and push them into traffic, record them getting hit by a bus and then show the video to their grieving family at his funeral. You know, like a real American does it.
Hmm. Well, congratulations Dale Hitler Mao Stalin Palin Hannity Khan North-owitz, you only managed to make crackedbat install adblock plus, extra for dtoid and dtoid alone (that sentence makes sense in English, right?). This site looks great without the ads... is something an asshole like crackedbat would say.
PS: Just in case you're reading this Dale Hitler Mao Stalin Palin Hannity Khan Ganondorf Sephiroth Voldemort North-owitz, if you still want to give someone the cronut, give it to someone who has used Wii Fit U for the past three weeks as a reward for their dedication to a fitness regimen during the holiday season, a notoriously difficult time of year to do something like that.
So yesterday, a Destructoid employee who shall remain nameless had a mini freak out over a couple of assholes/douchebags/idiots/people-who-think-they're-way-funnier-than-they-actually-are making a few comments alluding to the idea that Destructoid is on the take from publishers. Of course said employee denied this, just as staff members have in the past. Turns out they're full of shit. crackedbat launched a massive investigation this morning around two-ish because something just didn't smell right about a video game website reporting positively on non-gaming aspects of a video game console. What crackedbat found will shock and sicken you. As evident by the photographs below, crackedbat is sad to say that it is true Destructoid is being paid by video game companies for coverage. Be warned: the following photographs might be difficult to look at.