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In what is the coolest jobs I've ever had, I write about toys for a living. All day, nothing but toys. It's amazing. When I'm not writing at work I'm writing at home, either working on my screenplay or my children's novel. When I'm not doing any of that I try to get in some video game time. I'm currently rocking Nintendo only consoles because dammit, I love Nintendo. More than Nintendo, I love platform games. Even though my favorite game isn't a platformer (The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker), it is my favorite genre of games.

Follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/thekillerbees and add me to your 3DS Friends List (1633-4277-3240 and let me know so I can add you to mine.) I'd love to meet some people who want play some Kid Icarus, Resident Evil: Revelations and Mario Kart 7.



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8:55 PM on 08.04.2013

When you sit down with crackedbat to play video games, you best prepare yourself. You see, gaming with crackedbat will no doubt be one of the best experiences you’ll ever have. For starters, he’s pretty amazing. He’s funny, handsome and an expert with sleight of hand magic tricks. He also loves to refer to himself in the third person, a trait that sets him above the rest of his peers. So when if you’re ready to roll with crackedbat through the magical and mysterious worlds that video games offer society, just let him know. Be warned though: all future gaming sessions will pale in comparison to the day you’ll have with crackedbat.

With a full time job and full time pre- and post-work activities, crackedbat usually can only game on the weekends when he can really dedicate himself to it. When you come over to his palatial apartment you’ll no doubt be stunned by his 60” 1080p HD 3D Sony television, complete with integrated Netflix and Hulu. That is what you’ll be playing on. After you’ve found your spot on the couch and grabbed your controller, it is time to go... online to peruse your favorite video game website. Of course that is Destructoid.com, where you and crackedbat will click on every story link, ignore the text and jump straight to the comment sections. The first thing you’ll do is switch the comment view to “Best.” From there, you read the very first comment, and no matter what it is you’ll reply to it. That way you know people will read what you and crackedbat have to say; because what crackedbat has to say is very important. After you and crackedbat have edited down your comment to perfection, you wait on the page until someone with half a brain comes along and up-votes the comment. With that settled, you visit the next story and comment there as well, making sure to comment in every story that has 25 or more comments. The name of this game is getting your opinion out there, because on the internet every opinion is important no matter how stupid, redundant, trollish and just plain wrong it is. You and crackedbat get bonus points if you’re the first to comment on a story because those are the most likely to get up-voted and replied to.

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'

With your first round of comments finished, you check to see if anyone has replied to the both of you. Someone did. In a comment about the Wii U someone has replied to your pro-Nintendo post with an anti-Nintendo post. Now is where the real game begins. You reply to the anti-Nintendo poster with something inflammatory; you don’t think, you just type. They respond. You respond. They respond. You respond by calling the Vita a terrible system even though you don’t own one and you never intend to. In this response you also refer to Sony as a terrible company because they couldn’t manage to sell you on a system you wrote off before it even came out, and use any negative press about it to bolster your argument. The game continues until you can convince them they are wrong and crackedbat and yourself are right. If you can’t convince them, you pretend to be the bigger man by typing some variation of “agree to disagree.” crackedbat counts that as a victory.

With the Destructoid.com comment section defeated, you finally move on to the real game: gonintendo.com comment sections. Fighting with people who don’t like Nintendo in generally is easy; fighting with scorned Nintendo fans is an artform. The arguments start off easy and stupid: complaints about Nintendo’s advertising. You and crackedbat jump right into the throes of it as you defend Nintendo with every keystroke. Because if you two won’t defend this multi-billion dollar company from seven people in a chat room, then who will? The fight begins with everyone pretending to be advertising experts who know what’s best for this multi-billion dollar company with an award winning advertising agency at its disposal. You jump from Nintendo Advertising to Nintendo not releasing Mario Kart 8 in 2013, another hotbed topic. This is where you and crackedbat will copy and paste all the games that Nintendo is publishing this holiday season even though everyone on that website already knows about them. One commenter claims he didn’t know about a particular game. He’s full of shit but you don’t call him on it. Eventually the comment thread is closed and you and crackedbat move on to your next target.

Unfortunately the next comment thread is about Metroid. Two comments in someone posts about Metroid: Other M, a game so reviled the website has instituted a policy prohibiting people from talking about it. Threat of being banned doesn’t work.  Like the Battle of Minas Tirith, only consisting of overweight people arguing online, the comment section war erupts. This fight is over quickly though as the thread is closed. Nobody ends up being banned. There are no victors. crackedbat has grown tired of this game and that 60” television is singing his name. So the both of you once again pick up your controllers and turn the television on.

Pictured: The worst thing ever in the history of mankind... apparently.

Time for a break from all this gaming. crackedbat switches on the Netflix and two of you watch three episodes of Scrubs. You check the listing to see if Netflix has any movies worth watching. They don’t, having replaced them all with seasons of Storage Wars and Ax Men.

Break is over, time to get back to gaming. Television goes off and the two of you go back to the internet to see if there are any new comments to your posts. You reply to the worthwhile ones with crackedbat dropping a little liberal propaganda in there. crackedbat reminds you that a lot of new games were released this week, which means there are going to be reviews all over the internet. Time for a little co-op as the two of you search for any and all reviews, repeating one of three comments:

A) If crackedbat doesn’t like a popular game even though he hasn’t played it, and the game gets a poor review, you post “That’s a fair score” while remembering to call out anyone who disagrees with you, always referring to them as a “fanboi.”
B) If crackedbat likes a game that is given a poor score, you complain the reviewer “Just doesn’t like Nintendo” and call the website stupid.
C) If any game that isn’t a Nintendo title or indie gets a 9.5 or 10, you question the integrity of the website; hopefully garnering enough idiotic like-minded replies that the reviews editor and the website owner have to post in the comment sections themselves defending the site. Their comments go over the website’s review policy while assuring everyone they didn’t give the game a 10 because it was heavily advertised on its site. 

Flawless victory!!!

Co-op complete. You and crackedbat have traveled across the internet and ensured that everybody knows exactly what crackedbat thinks about a certain topic because his opinion is too damned important for people to be left wondering.

Congratulations, your day of gaming with crackedbat is complete. To celebrate your victories, he pops in his copy of Animal Crossing: New Leaf and spends two minutes finding all the fossils and checking rocks for money and minerals. With that out of the way, it’s time to rest up for another incredible day of gaming with crackedbat. However, if you do want a little extra time of gaming with crackedbat there is some post game content you can play. The two of you jump back to Destructoid.com where you find the latest Bloggers Wanted post asking what gaming with you is like. Instead of doing the effective thing like commenting –

Blogging With crackedbat

Here is my 3DS Friend Code: 1633-4277-3240.
Add me and find out what it’s like.

– the two of you spend two hours writing a sarcastic blog that mocks yourself and the internet gaming community.
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