7 Things You Can Do This September Instead of Buying “Rayman Legends”

First of all: yes, I know the title sounds like flame bait and the work of a pissed off Nintendo fanboy. Part of it is, I suppose; but mostly it’s just I’m sick and tired of Ubisoft. The Rayman Legends issue is one of many I have with a developer that continually teases us with Beyond Good & Evil 2 by saying they’ll make it if you buy said game. I don’t know about you, but I don’t negotiate with hostage takers and I certainly don’t give them my money. It’s a shame too because I was really looking forward to buying ZombiU when I got my Wii U, but I’ll have to pass altogether. I’m sure the multi-platform release for that game is right around the corner anyway.

Today Wii U gamers learned that the Wii U era will be no different than the Wii era when it comes to 3rd parties. We’ll see tepid support for the next six years with several exclusives that are sure to be dynamite. We’ll see more games pass us by, or as in the case of Assassin’s Creed III, Wii U gamers will have to wait longer to get what the other systems have. Though it pains me to say that the last Ubisoft game I’ll buy is Just Dance 4 (because I did just buy it... it’s a good workout), I have to stand my ground and say enough is enough even if I’m the only person saying it. Will it make a difference? Fuck no, Assassin’s Creed III sold 12 million copies, 11.8 million of which were not on a Nintendo system. If I can survive one console generation with poor third party support I can survive another one. So this September I’ll probably be buying a Wii U. What I won’t be buying is Rayman Legends, even if that means hurting the developers. Instead, I’ll be doing one of the following seven things:

1) Playing Project X Zone
Like Tatsunoko vs. Capcom before it, Project X Zone is a game that has no business being released overseas. And yet this summer we’re getting it. The 3DS is already my favorite current gaming system and niche games like this will only make me love it more.

2) Seeing Machete Kills
The first Machete was a glorious, gory romp. I expecting nothing less from this sequel featuring Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Sofia Vergara. That’s right, I’d rather support a Mel Gibson movie than a Ubisoft game.

3) Listening to ARTPOP
Yes, I’m a Lady Gaga fan. Well, I’m a fan of her music and it’ll be nice to have an album by her that she’s really taken her time with.

4) Reading Dr. Sleep
The sequel to The Shining is hitting bookstores in September and I am going to hate-read the shit out of that thing.

5) Watching The Arsenio Hall Show
Wuff! Wuff! Wuff! Wuff! Wuff! Wuff! Wuff!

6) Going to Disneyland
My credit card is supposed to be paid off by this August. To celebrate, I’m going to treat myself to a day at the happiest place on Earth. And after I leave the whorehouse, I’m going to Disneyland.

7) Catching up on Dexter
America’s favorite serial killer is back for one final season this year, and I’m about four seasons behind. No doubt I will be catching up with Dexter before I watch the final episodes.

I’ll probably also find time to clear a few games out of the ole’ backlog, catch some fish in Animal Crossing (if it’s released by then) and maybe get around to reading the Millennium series. And if I magically finish all that within the month and find myself with nothing else to do and $60 to spare, I will spend the rest of my time researching charities in need of that $60. Sorry Ubisoft, I am not a crackhead with a video game addiction, I am a consumer that you have failed to appease; and I’d rather give my money away than give it to you. That includes the upcoming Assassin’s Creed movie (sorry Michael Fassbender, you big dicked bastard).