Like a million, bajillion polygons....awesome.

I should really call this blog Love/Love: Realism, cause whoa dude: realistic games rule. Thanks to realism, I get to bound across rooftops in a beautifully rendered Renaissance era Venice, slide into cover mid-gunfight in a snowy Tibetan temple, or drift a photorealistic Audi TT through a hairpin turn in a photorealistic race track in Belgium. Hot Christ, is there anything realism can't do?!?!

My friend told me that playing Gran Turismo is stupid cause it's boring and too realistic. He had me play this game Burnout instead. It's totally dumb, and by dumb I mean retarded. You crash and your car flips and breaks into a billion pieces and you don't even die. Your car just magically re-forms on the race track and the game allows you to keep racing. Oh, how fun (note sarcasm). Clearly I would have died in that crash. I should be made to do the entire race over.

Realism also means that if I fail an active reload in Gears then I get viciously chainsawed in half. Which is awesome, by the way, because it's what would really happen in real life.

There are retarded games out there that cast any semblance of realism aside. They claim they do this in the name of "fun".



I mean, seriously? Why don't Bill Rizer and Lance Bean ever have to reload? Some people say it's because their guns are too afraid of them to ever run out. I think it's because it's a stupid game, for babies. Marcus Fenix' gun jams and runs out of ammo all the time because Marcus Fenix is awesome, and lives in a realistic world. Of fun.

Mirror's Edge was pretty awesome for how realistic all the Parkour moves were, but what's up with all the stupid ass colors? The only colors in the real world are brown and gray. If I wanted to see color I'd go buy some crayons or something. Bright colors don't belong in my video games. Video games should only deal with real things, in real life colors.

Let's talk about Link for a second. Everybody knows Link is supposed to be an effeminate Legolas knockoff, am I right? All I know is that Link does NOT look like THIS:



What an unrealistic piece of shit

A lot of games also don't seem to understand Ninjas. Ninjas should be stoic, blood-soaked assassins accompanied by breasts with women attached to them. Ryu Hayabusa is the best ninja in gaming so far, really. Realistic ninjas look nothing like this, by the way:



Dumb.

Then there are these war games that think wars are fought by stupid anime looking characters.



I guess Sega forgot that REAL wars are fought by REAL soldiers against REAL Russians, like in Modern Warfare 2.

I'm sick of all these cartoony bullshit games like Little Big Planet and New Super Mario Bros. claiming to be fun. There's almost nothing realistic about them, so how can they be fun? And what's with all these nostalgia freaks endlessly droning on about how only older games have any heart. I mean seriously, does this look fun to you?



Didn't think so.