5. Hi! My name is Kyle Coolkid.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures.
The excitement in my pants is bubbling like dynamite in my grandma's toilet, as PAX is just three weeks away! There are a ton of people planning on going from the Dtoid Community, and I have a surprise to share with you for all of you guys and gals going to PAX on Friday. I'm going to be busy drinking on Friday, so we have a special yob for anyone that's interested doing something unusual.
Be Coonskin for an hour. Yup. Worst job ever.
All you need to do to become Coonskin is call dibs in the comments below and meet me at my hotel (and don't bring the police) to arrange costume logistics and wacky pose training. YOU MUST HAVE NO SHAME, DECENT LOOKS, A STRONG GAG REFLEX, AND AN IRON-LIKE LIVER. The captain's hat weighs about a tenth of a pound and has the propensity to attract the ladies. However, seniority will be granted to long-time members of Dtoid (and people who bestow sexual favors on me). It is preferred that you wear your birthday suit. You too, ladies. We don't discriminate, but we'll get you out of that dress and do you like Hefner.
What does Coon do? Mostly drink. You’ll be taking shots with your fellow Dtoiders for hours each as you ham it up, take photos with people and do things that will make you flaunt your sexuality.
Everyone that helps out by becoming Coonskin will get a beer on me and a dick rub. The PAX show hours haven't been released yet, but it doesn't matter because all this will be taking place at bars, and you'll be asked to sign a waiver that you totally love alcohol poisoning.
Guess what today is? Wait, you already clicked on this blog, so you already know what the answer is. Well, it's Necros' birthday! He is turning 21, so he can legally drink with us at PAX this year! Necros is a great guy, and coincidentally the top dog at IRC (which you should visit by the way). The most impressive thing about Necros is...
He's the only person I know who can serve as the candles on his own birthday cake.
Ah, Suff0cat. Some of you might know him as the guy that goes to NARPs and doesn't talk. Some of you might know him as the guy who wears tripp pants. Most of you know him as the guy with the official Paramore fan club card in his wallet. Regardless, today is Suff's birthday! He will probably celebrate it by not drinking and jerking it to pictures of Hayley Williams, but you can make it a little bit better by wishing him a happy birthday!
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