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9:25 PM on 07.20.2010

Quick Blog: I'm at Destructoid Headquarters

My life is instantly better than yours.



Pictured: Top men working on the forums   read


2:11 PM on 11.20.2009

A Not-So-Weird Kid's Top 10: NES Games



Sit down kiddos, Uncle Coonskin05 is about to give you a history lesson. Back in the day, years and years ago, before some of you were even born, a man named Excremento was a writer on the cblogs. He brought smiles to everyone's faces with his Top 10 lists, and was even featured on the front page for it. Well, that was a long time ago, and Excremento has moved on and is raising a family now, but being a protege of his retro gaming ways, have decided to bring back the spirit of the Top 10 list. For this first list, I will be looking at the first console I ever owned, the great Nintendo Entertainment System.



10. Ninja Gaiden

Ninja Gaiden was the first ninja game that I played, despite Shinobi coming out earlier, and was always one of my favorite NES games growing up (I don't remember the game frustrating me as much when I was a lad, I blame this on the Game Genie). Ninja Gaiden was known for two things, one being its unrelenting difficulty, and the other its use of in-game cutscenes. Ninja Gaiden is balls-hard, and if you can complete it without rage quitting at some cheap off-screen enemy knocking you into a pit, I commend you.



9. Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

If simplicity were next to godliness, Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! would be Jesus. If you gave Punch-Out to someone and told them all they had to do was dodge attacks and use the A & B buttons to punch, they would probably scoff at the ease of the game. But it wouldn't be long before they would be crying at the hands of Soda Popinski and Super Macho Man.



8. StarTropics

Startropics is, for all intents and purposes, the goofy-ass cousin of Zelda. The game is very much a Zelda clone (while never quite reaching the quality of Zelda), but never takes itself too seriously. Mike Jones also preempts Ness in the use of household items as weapons, such as a baseball bat, yo-yo and slingshot, but for some reason Ness is the one remembered for it. No respect, I tell ya.



7. The Legend of Zelda

I know at this point some of you are probably raging at me and praying for the death of my unborn because this is not higher on the list, but hear me out. Legend of Zelda is one of the most important video games in existence, as not only did it pave the way for other Zelda classics such as A Link to the Past and Link's Awakening, it invented the action-RPG genre. My main complaint with the game is that if you do not have the map that came in the box, good fucking luck trying to figure out where to go. And that sucks.



6. Snake Rattle n Roll

This might be an obscure title to some, but I fucking adored this game as a kid. Basically, you start out as a snake head, and your goal is to eat little balls that extend your length (insert penis joke here) in order to be heavy enough to weigh down a scale to open a door. Makes perfect sense right? Nope. But Snake Rattle n Roll is nothing short of fun, and that is all I'm really looking for in a game.



5. Tiny Toon Adventures

Tiny Toon Adventures is the first example on this list that proves that back in the day, quality licensed games were the rule, not the exception. TTA has it all: multiple playable characters, hidden levels, and a soundtrack that floods me with nostalgia. But perhaps best of all, the platforming and level design in the game are fucking ace.



4. Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

And here's the second licensed game! If you did not watch Rescue Rangers growing up, you are either old or a communist, and I have no respect for either one of those categories. Capcom, who was just on fire in the NES days, took the Rescue Rangers license and made an excellent game out of it. But careful, do not play co-op mode on this game, because there is a 95% chance that before you beat the first boss one of you will have punched the other player in the face.



3. Mega Man 3

I have no apologies here for picking Mega Man 3 over Mega Man 2. Because, as I have stated before, and will always state, MM3 is better than 2 in every way. 3 has 2's bosses, 3 has Rush instead of "Items", 3's music is better, and 3 has Protoman. And that, my friends, is what we call science.



2. Super Mario Bros. 2

And at this point you are assuming that I am just being contrary by picking Mega Man 3 over Mega Man 2, and picking SMB2 over 3 or 1. But I'm really not. Yes, I know Super Mario Bros 2 is really a reskinned Doki Doki Panic, that doesn't stop it from being an awesome game. Mario 2 has some amazing music, an extremely colorful world, and spaceships. Allow me to reenact the first time I saw the spaceship in SMB2. "Doo doo doo...oh, looks like a dead end. Well, there's a dubious weed, might as well plucHOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A SPACESHIP THAT I'M RIDING IN, OH GOD THIS IS AWESOME!" I think I prove my point.



1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game

I am aware, that for the most part, TMNT2 is just another side-scrolling beat 'em up in a field of others. But the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a focal point in my childhood for at least 3-4 years. The Turtles were the Alpha and Omega, and everything that they were in was greater than Jesus' love (except for the first Turtles game for the NES, fuck that game). I have played this game so much that I practically have it memorized. The only games that rival this game for me are Chrono Trigger, Super Mario 64, and...that's about it. If you ever talk ill about this game to my face, I will fight you. That is not a threat, that is a promise.



0. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends

And on the flip side of licensed games, we have this unforgivable pile of shit. I bought Rocky and Bullwinkle, cause hey, I liked the TV show, and most licensed games were good, so how bad could it be? The answer is fucking terribad. This game plays like a programming major dropout's first attempt at making a game, from the MS Paint graphics to the nonexistence of hit collision. This game is nothing more than a late term abortion.   read


3:27 PM on 11.18.2009

How to make social networking on the 360 not suck



Yesterday, a number of features went public for Xbox 360 owners with Gold accounts, including Last.fm, Facebook, and Twitter. Since then I've gotten a chance to play around with them, and as far as Facebook and Twitter go, they're...neat. Unfortunately, that's the only positive adjective that can be used when describing the current capabilities of social networking on the Xbox 360.

However, I think there are certain steps that can be taken to make these features something more than useless. It all lies in integration. Right now, both Twitter and Facebook have to be accessed through the Dashboard, and are completely isolated from the rest of the Xbox LIVE experience. In other words, if I'm playing Modern Warfare 2, and I want to see if anyone replied to something witty I said earlier on Twitter, I can do one of two things. I either have to quit playing Modern Warfare 2, go back to the Dashboard and sign into Twitter, or pause MW2, get off my couch, walk into my room, and pull up my dedicated Twitter tab on Firefox. I can tell you right now I would much rather do the second option. The same scenario can also be applied to Facebook.



This means that the only way Facebook and Twitter could thrive on Xbox LIVE would be to add Xbox Guide access. It would be overkill to make an Xbox notification appear every time you get a new Facebook notification or Twitter reply, I concede that, you wouldn't be able to play a game in peace ever again. However, I believe the optimal situation would be, at any time your Xbox 360 is turned on, you can hit the Guide button, and along with your friends count, party group and message option, you had three bars, one to see your Facebook notifications, one to see all new tweets, and one to see Twitter replies. I wouldn't even expect full feature use from the Guide, just the ability to reply to notifications and tweets, and make new tweets would be enough. If this could be implemented, I would be tempted to never get off the couch again.

As it stands, I am not sure if additions such as the ones I suggested are even possible. However, I really hope they are, as I am almost certain that unless said improvements are made, such features are instantly irrelevant.   read


9:10 PM on 11.17.2009

Game Informer Issue 200 covers give me a boner



Tell me that is not fucking awesome. Go ahead and try. You can't can you? Know why? BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. Game Informer is celebrating it's 200th issue with 8 different covers, including the Final Fantasy III (VI) crew, Link, Mario, Gordon Freeman, Tetris, Claude (the silent protagonist from Grand Theft Auto III), the Demon enemy from DOOM, and Samus Aran. It is also dishing up its Top 200 video game list as the successor to its Top 100 list from Issue 100.

My relationship with Game Informer started early. It was '92 or '93 when one day, while buying a game at Funcoland, the employee inquired whether or not we wanted a subscription to Game Informer, and after a bit of begging my mother, she agreed, and I took home the current issue that day and started receiving them monthly. I was a Game Informer junkie, I got to know the editors' tastes in games like the back of my hand, I sent in envelope art, and cheered when Andrew Reiner was in the Perfect Dark multiplayer. Of course, like all children of the cyber age, I soon started spending my time on gaming websites, with less time spent flipping the pages of gaming magazines, until eventually I let my subscription run out, and chose not to renew it.

I have to say though, I believe I will be purchasing Issue 200 of Game Informer. If not for the cover art, for the hope that maybe, for even a second, I can go back to the times when spoilers weren't lurking around every corner, when you had to wait a month, not an hour, to hear the latest gaming news, when I waited anxiously for the mail to come in hopes that the mailman had delivered the newest issue so I could take it back to my room, and devour every screenshot, every cheat code, every bit of information it held.

Then I will come back to Destructoid to see the 4 or 5 news pieces that developed in that hour.

[Via MolotovCupcake's Twitter]   read


12:20 AM on 11.17.2009

Left 4 Dead 2!

Hey guys, y'all ready to play some L4D2 tonight? I heard some people are having trouble decrypting it, but I already have it up and running. Pic for proof.



I really want to finish at least one whole campaign tonight. My Steam name is Coonskin05, hit me up and let's kill some zombies!

I can already tell this game is totally going to be worth $45!   read


8:11 PM on 08.24.2009

Why I Love Destructoid




Because Kryptinite is so black you can only see his teeth.   read


6:06 PM on 08.20.2009

Top 10 Dtoid Memes in recent memory

10. Quail Futon

9. Tyra Tuesday

8. Hamzakkah

7. I hugged...

6. 10 things you might not know about...

5. Hi! My name is Kyle Coolkid.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures.

4. Hounestly

3. Are you guys making fun of my avatar?

2. Christian Bale

1. Psh, Semantics   read


12:49 PM on 08.12.2009

Contest: Become Coonskin05 for an hour at PAX



The excitement in my pants is bubbling like dynamite in my grandma's toilet, as PAX is just three weeks away! There are a ton of people planning on going from the Dtoid Community, and I have a surprise to share with you for all of you guys and gals going to PAX on Friday. I'm going to be busy drinking on Friday, so we have a special yob for anyone that's interested doing something unusual.

Be Coonskin for an hour. Yup. Worst job ever.

All you need to do to become Coonskin is call dibs in the comments below and meet me at my hotel (and don't bring the police) to arrange costume logistics and wacky pose training. YOU MUST HAVE NO SHAME, DECENT LOOKS, A STRONG GAG REFLEX, AND AN IRON-LIKE LIVER. The captain's hat weighs about a tenth of a pound and has the propensity to attract the ladies. However, seniority will be granted to long-time members of Dtoid (and people who bestow sexual favors on me). It is preferred that you wear your birthday suit. You too, ladies. We don't discriminate, but we'll get you out of that dress and do you like Hefner.

What does Coon do? Mostly drink. You’ll be taking shots with your fellow Dtoiders for hours each as you ham it up, take photos with people and do things that will make you flaunt your sexuality.

Everyone that helps out by becoming Coonskin will get a beer on me and a dick rub. The PAX show hours haven't been released yet, but it doesn't matter because all this will be taking place at bars, and you'll be asked to sign a waiver that you totally love alcohol poisoning.

Until then, go call dibs!   read


6:41 PM on 07.19.2009

Happy Birthday Necros!

Guess what today is? Wait, you already clicked on this blog, so you already know what the answer is. Well, it's Necros' birthday! He is turning 21, so he can legally drink with us at PAX this year! Necros is a great guy, and coincidentally the top dog at IRC (which you should visit by the way). The most impressive thing about Necros is...












He's the only person I know who can serve as the candles on his own birthday cake.

[embed]140523:20761[/embed]   read


2:23 PM on 07.16.2009

Happy Birthday Suff0cat!



Ah, Suff0cat. Some of you might know him as the guy that goes to NARPs and doesn't talk. Some of you might know him as the guy who wears tripp pants. Most of you know him as the guy with the official Paramore fan club card in his wallet. Regardless, today is Suff's birthday! He will probably celebrate it by not drinking and jerking it to pictures of Hayley Williams, but you can make it a little bit better by wishing him a happy birthday!

Happy Birthday Suff0cat!

Happy Birthday Samit!   read


7:49 PM on 07.01.2009

[Shortblog] A Sneak Peek at SGC



Hope you kids are thirsty. :)   read


1:39 PM on 06.20.2009

SNAG 6/20/09



I will be hosting Saturday Night Arcade Games again tonight, with the following lineup.

6-7: UNO
7-8: Bomberman LIVE!
8-9: Aegis Wing
9-10: Castle Crashers
10-whenever: Texas Hold Em

(All times Central)

If you want to host a game that's not on this list, just leave a comment saying what you will be hosting along with your Gamertag.

GT: Niksnooc   read


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