The job was to steal a piece of military hardware, of course Cortez never mentions that it’s a god damned tank. It felt like my hundredth attempt at this particular job, and all of my previous attempts had either landed me in jail or in the hospital, and by that point I was both broke and pretty frustrated. This time I was going to be careful though, I had stolen a taxi to make the cash that I would need, then I made my way to the gun store and a couple back alleys where people had left high calibre weapons for some reason. I had scouted ahead too, and found the perfect ambush point along the tank’s route.

Of course, it’s not the tank that gets you; it’s the convoy. Three military trucks loaded with lots of military men with lots of military bullets, not to mention that the local police would only take a couple of minutes to show up. I was crouched on a high landing at the top of a staircase to avoid getting run over by the trucks, which was how my first try had ended. Up the street from my spot I’d parked a brand new Banshee across both lanes of traffic which would bring the convoy to a halt at the perfect spot, plus the more explosions involved in a mission the happier I am. The convoy came to a stop right beside my Banshee, and I got my RPG launcher ready.

A soldier got out of the lead truck to move the car, I waited until he opened the door, and then fired. The Banshee and the first truck both went up in the explosion, and my wanted level suddenly came to life, I wasn’t going to worry about that though since it was about to get a lot worse. Behind the charred remains of the first truck I could see the tank, but I needed to deal with the other two convoy trucks first. Truck number two came roaring around the tank and hit the wall below me, but I managed to get number three with a second RPG. I had a few seconds before the soldiers in the remaining truck got into a position where they could hit me, so I switched to my M-16 and went after the tank’s gunner. The gunner had started shooting as soon as I had fired my first rocket, and my body armour was disappearing fast. A couple shots and he was taken care of, but the soldiers were starting to shoot now and reinforcements were on their way. Going down the staircase meant running headfirst into a lot of pissed off military personnel, so I switched to my SPAS-12 shotgun and jumped down beside the last remaining transport. A few shots from my shotgun and it exploded, but it nearly took me with it, my body armour was gone and I was running out of time. I got out my MP5 and made a run for the tank, I didn’t think I was going to make it, but then I caught a lucky break. Something had knocked to side door of the tank off, giving me a clear shot at the driver. A couple of my previous attempts had ended with the tank driver turning around and arresting me as soon as I dragged him out, but this time all I had to do was plug him and then get in. Cop cars were everywhere by this point, but in the game of life tank crushes car. I didn’t even need the cannon; I just drove over them and was home free.

They never tell you about the self destruct sequence in advance either, but I knew the route I needed to take thanks to my previous experiences. I made it to the safe house with a good solid thirty seconds to spare, and afterwards I robbed a restaurant down the street just to celebrate. It was a proud moment for me, until I found out from friend of mine that he did the exact same job by waiting beside a donut shop and stealing the tank when the driver went inside. I kind of like my story better though.