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carpwrist avatar 3:49 AM on 11.27.2008  (server time)
Castle Crashers Patch? Let The Behemoth become Harpied!

My first blog is going out on Thanksgiving. It really has nothing to do with the holiday, but a little something to do with legendary bird creatures and a large chicken. A very large chicken. Some may even say a Behemoth of a chicken. Again, not a Thanksgiving story. I want to start off my blog with this picture:

It's a cute picture, I like how they made that they call it Award Winning before the game was actually released, obviously the hype did half the work for this game. Did you happen to catch the date mentioned above? August 27th, wasn't that exactly 3 months ago? Notice in that same picture it has the words, "Online or Offline" with an arrow pointing towards 4-Player? I'm going to get into that, but I'm warning you again, not a Thanksgiving story. That's the third time I've warned you.

The first thing I'd like to address is the the Behemoth Development Blog, it's latest post 11/09/2008:
Sun, 09 Nov 2008
Cool beans and gravy! I can finally get those adorable little figures I wanted for Castle Crashers. Alas, why wouldn't I want to spend $25 to remind myself of how blindly I fell in love with a game that was so aesthetically pleasing that it even made me look past its minor glitches. I even wanted to forgive it after bringing my hard drive over to a friend's house to help me finish the game. Only to find that my (k)night would be ruined (pun alert!).

I loved Castle Crashers, once. It was the only Xbox 360 title my girlfriend actually enjoyed playing. Yes, she even hates both Geometry Wars titles. Why I still date her is another story for another time...

Maybe I could send Behemoth that $25 and instead of giving me one figurine they could send me a nice pink prolapsed colon as a reminder of how hard they fucked over their fanbase.

That's not all that's in the Behemoth blog, there's been multiple entries that gloat over their success, negate their shortcomings, and display the merit of their fanboys. In their defense, they have reason to gloat, Castle Crashers sold 78,545 (non-refundable) units in 3 days, beating all XBLA records. Sauce: your own ass wipe of a blog.

I spent some time in the Behemoth forums, specifically browsing the Technical Issues threads and realize there is quite a laundry list of complaints about this game. Most of the more prominent posts have been deleted and a majority of the users are defending the Castle Crasher bugs and blunders, pointing the finger at Microsoft for not releasing the patch. I'm not sure they understand the fact that Microsoft did not release a defective game, Behemoth did. Those fingers belong up the asses of a company that first showcased their game at Comic-Con 2006. It's 2008 and the shit is still broke. Were I in the position of releasing the CC patch, I'd be very skeptical of anything Tom Fulp had a hand in. His definition of a finished product is far different from that of Jonathan Blow's Braid, who received some of the worst scrutiny I've heard for a 1200 MS point game. Braid actually worked, incredibly well I might add.

How does a Beat-Em-Up this late in development have worse features than Gauntlet Live? Let's go over the Castle Crashers game modes:

All You Can Quaff? I'm a fan of pushing buttons, but do I want an entire game mode dedicated to quickly mashing one? No thanks.

Arena? That sounds awesome, I'd love to kick someone else's ass (namely, yours Fulp) with my (formerly level 38) Gray Knight! Oh wait, this asshole is in the air and hitting me, it's not stopping! Wait, seriously! WTF is going on? Why can't I stop this air combo bullshit??? I'll have to pass on this mode as well. What's left?

Co-op? Aw man, this is just what this game really needs to separate it from the mob of smash em' ups. I spent some time leveling my Gray Knight up. I'll see what my buddy is up to. Hey this is fun, I like this. Minus that part about my character getting frozen in the Thief's Forest. Oh wait, where'd all my character data go? My guy is back to level 1, my Animal Orbs are all gone, my weapons are not in the frog. How did PETA not throw a Gatorade tub full of cat piss on you for that?

Being Harpied isn't a common expression. I actually made it up, because sometimes the expression "I hate you" just doesn't convey what I'm trying to say.

In Classic Greek Mythology the Harpy:
1. a ravenous, filthy monster having a woman's head and a bird's body.
These creatures would be displayed carrying men off to torture and rape them. Now, this part about having a bird's body is interesting, because birds do not have vaginas, they have cloacas, one hole for all purposes. Now imagine being raped by that hole. May it happen to you every time someone loses their data as a result of your inadequate testing and shitty programming.
And for your gloating let's get Pyramid Head to join in on the fun! Everyone likes him, except the intestines of Behemoth development team.

I had hoped to have a live demonstration of what a Harpy could do to your staff members, but there were some setbacks in my investment with a certain German Genetic-Engineering company. Instead, I give you an original picture of mine from Nürnberg, Germany.

Behemoth, if I had the skills of Mike Krahulik or even your own Dan Paladin I would have dedicated this entire post to a drawing, depicting each of your staff members being drug off by these Harpies into the nest, their talons ripping your flesh as you are forced to endure the most disease-ridden, disgusting sex you could afford to live through.

Castle Crashers, my nomination for Fail of the Year.

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