At 120 mph, mosquitoes feel like jagged hail, white-hot engines sear leather onto flesh and the asphalt below threatens to permanently disfigure any rider foolish enough to blink. But those things don't matter to me. Right now my wind-burned, bloodshot eyes are fixed on the bike less than a hundred feet ahead of me: first place. The engine strains as I crank the throttle higher, trying desperately to gain on my rival. I slowly creep closer as we jackknife through traffic and barrel through sharp turns. Just about twenty feet left. I reach into my boot and pull out the cattle prod I had placed there before the race. My opponent takes his eyes off the road just long enough to spot his approaching fate in his rear-view. Before the image can register as panic, I blast him with 5000 volts of electric vengeance. He lets go of the throttle as his body goes into violent spasms, which lets me easily catch up to him. For miles I've been tracking him down and waiting for this moment. Now I am in first place, and he in second. But second is too good for my nemesis, I think. So just as he begins decelerating into second place -- still twitching uncontrollably -- I muster all of my strength and swing my boot right into the side of his engine and send him careening into the side of a billboard. I barrel through the last mile and cross the line to accept my dual prizes of glory and sweet, sweet cash, while he has to fight to stay conscious until the ambulance comes. These are the stakes.

Welcome to Road Rash



Anyone who knows me will inevitably hear me rant about the goldmine EA is missing: they have, as of yet, failed to bring Road Rash to a system more advanced than the first Playstation. Not only would it be an instant bestseller, but it has potential to be a quality game. If we put this game on the the 360 or PS3, the adrenaline fueled racing and unabashedly mischievous, yet malicious, violence combined with the graphics power of the current-gen systems and the unquestionably deep pocket of Electronic Arts would be an unstoppable mix.

So why has this EA overlooked such potential?

-- Maybe they just don't like making sequels.
-- AHAHAHAHAHA *falls of chair*

But seriously, the occasional tease keeps me hoping for the future. A future where men can race souped up crotch rockets at breakneck speed. A future where battle is fought not on foreign soil, but on American Asphalt. *begins raising flag* Yes! A future where children will ask their father, "Daddy, how can I become an underground, no-holds-barred, street racing vigilante?" WILL YOU DENY YOUR CHILDREN THIS FUTURE?!?! *rips of clothes to reveal Gen. Patton outfit* WILL YOU?!?! THEN FIGHT FOR YOUR FUTURE!!! FIGHT FOR GLORY!!!! FIGHT FOR A NEW ROAD RASH!!!!

Thirty-one months ago I joined the community of Destructoid. I frequented the blogs, forums, and the front page, but there was one thing that I always wanted to do: join Destructoid's Friday Night Fights. Though I play with several members on XboxLive on a irregular basis, I was left out of FNFs because my job had me working Friday nights until 2a.m.

But not anymore.

I quit that job, and the feeling I had when I cast off the terrible shackles of late-night work is too great for words... so I will substitute a visual representation.



Now I have a 9 to 5 job, which means I actually have weekends (and don't work 5p.m. to 2a.m.). So for the first time ever, I can and will join you, the destructoid community, in Friday Night Fights. It's been a long time coming.... the culmination of so many months... I promised myself I wouldn't do this....



I love you.

I normally don't jump on bandwagons like this, but I haven't posted in a long time and... well, why not. Which brings me to my first point.

1) Though I don't post that often (read: quarterly), I read Destructoid every day. In fact, I've been reading Destructoid since March 2007 thanks to my old roommate mispelt -- who also rarely posts but is an avid reader. After months of compulsive reading, I finally joined in September 2007 and began a comment frenzy that bordered on cyber-stalking. That was also around the time I made the head banner.

2) The comment frenzy probably stemmed from the fact that this is the one and only web community that I have EVER been a part of (unless you count facebook... which I don't). I don't see any reason to join any other site because I love this community.

3) Since I've been around since March 2007, there are some people that I really miss on here. It's only a handful, but this probably stems from the old "the original was better" sentiment that people inevitably fall into when something they love changes. Don't get me wrong, I love this place... I just get nostalgic. In the same way Pheonix-blood was nostalgic when she wrote the epic Never Forget blog You are awesomesauce my dear. Also, I miss epic credits.

4) I'm still making fun of Nex's avatar.


5) My avatar is Tony Clifton. Some of you older members or forum readers (we have forums?) might know who that is. If you don't, well then I'll tell you. It's the alter-ego/rabble-rousing-creation of comedic genius Andy Kaufman, of whom I am a HUGE fan. In my lifetime, I don't think I'll ever see or hear a comedian who I respect and love more than Andy. And that's saying a lot because...

6) I work in a comedy club. I have for almost four years now. I've held different jobs around the club but I currently just wait tables (it pays the best). It's a pretty sweet gig but it can be really, really stressful... especially if we get a really drunk crowd who just show up to get thrown out. I've met a lot of fairly famous people: Mark Curry, Brett Butler, Pauly Shore (douchebag), Dustin Diamond (HUGE douchebag), Aries Spears, Kevin Pollack, and, here soon, Mike Epps. And while the pay is alright, it's only open on the weekends so I have to supplement my income through other means while I look for grad schools to attend next year. Which brings me to #7.

7) I'm an avid poker player, and I'm a huge nerd about it too. I'm the guy that knows the numbers behind the draws thanks to 6 years of super-geek book learnin' and countless hours at the table. Last fall, our local dogtrack started a poker room. For the last 2 months I've been down there about three days a week playing low-limit poker. I haven't made much (couple hundred a month), but I it's a great feeling to just be playing a game you love as a second job.

8) I'm a big Tenacious D fan (come out with another album already!!!). JB calls KG "brosef" a few times in their self-titled album and I figured it would make a good handle. It's also my XBL gamertag.

9) If you haven't noticed... I love using ellipses (and parentheses too)

10) I live in West Virginia. The cities are a lot less hilljack than many of you probably expect, especially Charleston, but I'm really looking forward to moving to a big city and away from the redneck accent that many of us have spent our entire lives striving not to pick up. *cringe* Seeing as how I don't hunt, fish, own a gun, or drink Bud Lite (I'll have a Guinness thank you very much) I don't really fit into the surrounding culture. But that describes about 80% of WV, the other 20% play vidja games ^_^

Until next time remember...

Right then.

Yesterday our dear Brad Nicholson reported that Barack Obama is running campaign ads in Burnout paradise. While many D-Toiders were quick to point out that such an image is easy to shoop (while some were less quick), theatlantic.com is running the story as fact. Moreover, gigaom.com has apparently spoken to EA rep Holly Rockwood (whose name sounds suspiciously like a Hannah Montana ripoff...anyone?)

gigaom.com reporting:

“I can confirm that the Obama campaign has paid for in-game advertising in Burnout,” Holly Rockwood, director of corporate communications at Electronic Arts, the game’s publisher, told me via email, noting that EA regularly allows ad placements in their online games.

Also, politico.com has picked up tons of other Obama ads in games ranging from Guitar Hero to NHL 09 to Skate.


Link here: http://www.politico.com/static/PPM106_obamascreenshots.html


I suppose we can confirm this one now... but has anybody actually seen one of these yet?