I noticed something today while I was gorging myself on Resident Evil 5’s Versus mode, and I’m both disturbed and oddly satisfied by it. I tend to keep my mic off when I’m playing on-line these days, if I have my headset on at all. It’s just less of a headache after all the trauma I’ve experienced in the last few months. However, today, I thought I’d give it a try again because I was TRYING to be a good teammate. I was TRYING to coordinate some sort of strategy that isn’t running around after my teammate, trying to Amazing Kreskin his next move. I was TRYING to be sociable instead of punishing everyone for the actions of a few…okay, a great number of…mighty, mighty douche bags.

Why don’t I ever learn?

I tend to play as Chris or Jill. I love a shotgun, but for some reason, I like the sight of Jill running around in her little battle suit a little better. I’ve never noticed any sort of pattern when it comes to other players and their choices of characters. Guys seem okay with playing as girls, and when, and if, I ever come across any other girl gamers, I’ll see if they have a problem with playing as men. This is where it gets hairy. I suppose it’s my own fault for picking a gamer tag that might, perhaps, be misleading. Where is it written that there cannot be girls named Brad? In this case, it’s justified. My name isn’t Brad. My gamertag is the same screen name I use all over the internet, and it’s a screen name that has a long and strange history. I suppose if I wanted everyone to know I was a girl, I could have picked a gamertag along the lines of xXxIAMAGIRLxXx or ILUVSPARKLYTHINGS. I’ve mentioned how, in the past, I’ve had trouble with playing online once my teammates find out I’m a girl. Today, I found it was something of a blessing.

I’m am inevitably greeted with “Brad…hey, dude.” every time I start up a game. I usually let it go. I call my girlfriends ‘dude’ all the time, so this is not offensive. I try very, very hard not to let loose with a string of expletives when someone walks up and blows my face off and screams, “DIE, BITCH.” I’m sorry. Say what you want, but I don’t like being a called a bitch by a 10 year old. It’s just a thing.

I start up a game, with my mic off, which is fine because my partner didn’t say a word. We ended up stretching this game of Team Slayers out to almost ten minutes, and the only chatter was from the other team, who were effectively slaughtering us along with the Majini. I assumed my partner just didn’t have a mic, and I was fine with that. No amount of strategizing was going to save us in this match. The other team was just much, much better.

Then suddenly, about two minutes into the game, I get a notification that my partner (whose gamer tag will be withheld) has sent me a message. I don’t fancy pausing in the middle of a game to check messages, so I just went on with my game, vaguely wondering what the message said. Weird, in the middle of a game, to stop and write someone a message, isn’t it? Another minute passes and I get another message. Then another. What the fudge? The match ends, I take my paltry 1000 points as a parting gift and head back out to the main menu to check these messages.

Shock and awe, they are voice messages! My partner DID have a mic the whole time. The text of this message read “GTFO OF MAH RE5”. Hmm. I pushed play and then had to endure twenty seconds of being told that I suck at Resident Evil, that I should kill myself because I’m so bad at it, and that he wants me to leave the game RIGHT NOW OMG.

The mind struggles to comprehend.

I go to the next message which is just a few seconds of mumbling, but I could pick out a few words. “Retard” was chief among them. Lovely. I go to the next message and I wish I could remember what was in it word for word. The gist of it was “I don’t know if you’re a retard or something, but I don’t have the time to waste on you. I’m going to f*cking find you and kill you and cut you up into a million pieces. Got that? I’m coming for you.”

O___o

Beyond the fact that what was just said to me is completely illegal, I sat there in shock that it had been said to me. Is this what people spend their time doing? Forget that I was the one keeping the string of combo kills going. Forget that I was the one saving him every time the other team whittled his health away to nothing. Forget that I was the one who carried the game. It was just so amazing that I couldn’t resist responding. I very calmly recorded a simple message. The only audio was this: Why are you being so mean? I said it just as sweetly as I could, and yes, I played up my Southern accent. The response came almost immediately, and I laughed for at least five minutes.

“You’re a girl? Sorry about that. Want to play again?”

I filed the appropriate complaint, but all the while, I wondered why it was okay to threaten to kill a guy, but the moment I was a girl, he was so apologetic.

Resident Evil 5 isn’t racist, but its players are sexist. And a little crazy, if you ask me.