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10:44 AM on 10.25.2011

8-bit sports and what they taught me

Kids these days—no respect for the heart of sports gaming. When I was a kid, we had 8 bits and we liked it. This, was the epitome of all that was awesome and great in the world of football: This shit is the real esports.

If you think I’m wrong, you clearly have the intelligence of an amoeba and probably think that Madden is a “good” game. I poop in your general direction.

Nobody needs more than 4 plays! Four plays are more than enough for anybody. And 8 bit cheerleaders are hott. (Double “t” intentional.)


Don’t try to entice me to next gen gaming with all of your fancy plays and licensed franchises! We had generic teams and 3 buttons and it was good enough for us and it should be good enough for you newbs.

This game:

Is far too complicated. What you need is to keep things simple. Blades of Steel. Pish tosh. More like Blades of Suckage. (Oh hai. Did joo c waht i did ther?).

This is the best hockey game ever made:

Fat guys are slow and powerful. Medium guys are medium. And skinny guys are really fast and get bounced around by big guys. Rock beats paper, paper beats rock, scissors are for sissies and Communists.

If you’ve never played this game:

You’ve never lived.

You could make your sprite go up, down AND sideways. It was cool. And the soundtrack for this event has yet to be surpassed in modern gaming history.

Boxing has yet to get better than this:

Seriously. I don’t even have a joke for this one. This is hands down my favorite boxing game of all time. And the infinite number of internet memes it has spawned over the years is worth the price of admission alone.

This game:

Taught me all about the hammer throw.

Don’t ask me what happened to the original Track and Field. In my house we played T&F2 and we liked it. It took me so long to beat that damn hammer throw event that I had a permanent blister on my thumb for an entire summer. And it wasn’t until my neighbor brought home one of these:

That I realized there was an alternative to a D-pad.

But turbo is for cheaters and people who think Carlos Mencia is funny. So I proudly wore my thumb callus all summer and still sport the remnants of it to this day.

This racing game:

Has never been surpassed in terms of innovation, graphics, fun nor gameplay. Heck, you could design your own track! How awesome was that? And your bike could overheat. Which made you have to strategize. And…

Good things. Did I do good this time?   read

6:45 PM on 10.23.2011

The Wii-U is never coming.

Nope. It's gone, Lets not deny it, that thing is in development hell and Nintendo is going under soon. Either that or they'll be software only.   read

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