On the front page, which I try to make a point to avoid, I accidently saw an article entitled Variety gives five reasons why Resident Evil 5 isn't very good. Let me go ahead and make a counter argument. But first, a lil rant.

What the fuck is Variety, and where do they get any fucking clout coming off as game reviewers? They don't even have a fucking game review section. I didn't know Resident Evil 5 was a movie. Metal Gear Solid 4, yes, but not RE5. And way to go out of your way to rewrite the fucking review for your five reasons article buddy. I ain't seen lifted lines like that since high school.

Alright, enough of that. Five counterpoints.

1. Resident Evil 5 is not scary. Resident Evil games have only been scary in a very few parts scattered around the whole of the series. It's like saying Gears of War 2 isn't as scary as the first one. Guess what? Neither of them were scary. Resident Evil, to me, has always been about setting up a tense environment where you're surrounded by bitey things with limited mobility and ammunition, and you have to make choices based on that. It's more about the tension of "Oh shit there's a lot of zombies coming at me shoot shoot die die". Not fucking "boo". And your witty observation on showing, not telling? Yeah, real smooth. Because implied violence is always less creepy than showing it. You're probably the asshole who wanted to ruin the chainsaw scene in Scarface, too.

2. It's is a mediocre, derivative action game. (copy-pasted from the actual blog, It is is a...) Umm...it is literally a carbon copy of RE4, the game you gushed over a few paragraphs above this one. I'm sorry if keeping the quality of the last game while making it shiny doesn't appeal to you, but seriously, it's RE4.5. And the cover system, while not being Duke of New York A #1 OMGLAZERSANDPUPPIES, does it's job effectively. Besides, what game that's come out in the last ten years is not derivative? Name me that and I'll give you a cookie. Like the internet, everything is a repost of a repost of a repost. In gaming, everything is a repackage of a repackage of a repackage. Switching things up occasionally, sure, but everything has ripped off something of some other game.

3. The co-op doesn't work very well. Ok, this one is just personal opinion, but seriously, the levels are not long enough for you to have to use drop in to get someone to join you. Where's the fun in that? And as pointed out by Jim "Italics are for Sarcasm" Sterling, you can give your partner a weapon. Just go to the weapon, stand by your partner, and select "give". Just like STDs! I haven't tried co-op yet though, so I can't say anything else about this one.

4. "Resident Evil 5" is old-fashioned. And not in the cool, retro way.

.../facepalm

Ok, so being unforgiving in the inventory department aside, I don't see what the complaints are about. The "useless" b button for calling your partner? Single player doesn't exist! I have to pick a weapon, scroll to upgrade, and look through the upgrades to upgrade my weapon? As opposed to being able to select an upgrade button, scrolling through the upgrade choices, and then picking a weapon? Pick your poison dude. And "oh poor me, I have to hold two buttons down to shoot", have you not played a game this generation? To accuratly shoot in any game now you have to hold at least two buttons, sometimes you even get to click the little sticks now to zoom too! Making reasons out of things every game uses is an excuse. To get hits on your negative piece. Works too, bastard.

5. The racial imagery is disturbing at times. I'll admit it, I'm a white bastard. I really don't care about "race" and junk either. I mean, I hate Al Sharpton and the apology squad as much as anyone, but the first thing out of my mouth when someone makes a joke isn't "that's racist!" and point. Maybe it doesn't mean as much to me to see a white guy going to Africa on a mission for a fake orginization, teaming up with a black chick and proceeding to shoot the hostile inhabitants of that area that are literally falling over themselves to kill you, but hey, what do I know? I haven't been oppressed my whole life. As for the tribal dressed Africans, apparently he missed the note where the kid explains that his tribal adults start reverting back to wearing what they used to wear years ago.

Again, if you look hard enough at anything, you can make it what you want. Heck, I think the black type is oppressing my white background right now, but you don't see me writing any angry letters to the National Association for the Advancment of White People. Oh, that's right, we don't have one of those, because white people aren't a minority. Except in southern states.

A game like this is always going to be considered racist, because sometimes that's all we can see. If this came out and there was no controversy about it, would that be moving on? Maybe. Did that happen? No. Am I going with the "ignore it and it'll go away" aspect? No. I'm going with the "sometimes we have to have things that make us feel slightly uncomfortable to help us move past this silly race thing" aspect. Yes, there were some terrible things that happened in Africa. Does that mean that ignoring it is going to make it go away? Does that mean that certain things are untouchable in reality so that we don't have to feel certain ways about them? Does that mean bad things still aren't happening over there?

Is there an acceptable way to show things like this without people going overboard and perceiving this as a way for Capcom to show White People killing Black People in a fun and exciting new oppressive movement that will happen because people play this and say, "That looks like fun, maybe I'll try that."? Unfortunately, no. For some people, pushing the racist agenda is all they're looking for. Is it wrong for someone to come out and say stop that if it's blatently racist? No, of course not. However, I do think it's wrong for someone to come out and try and force their opinion on what they see is going on in something they didn't help make, write, produce, or believe in, and twist it so that it's wrong and you should be ashamed that you're having fun with it. That's not progress, that's swimming in place.

So, a few weeks ago, maybe less, probably not, I don't know my short term memory is destroyed, a fellow by the name of bludesign(dvddesign for those of you living in the past) came by to visit. Among NOT giving me some games for mah PS3, which, contrary to popular belief, I do have, he brought some games and movies over to play and watch. I won't go into too many details about the scotch soaked depravities witnessed on this fateful day, but I do want to discuss something that is now near and dear to my heart.

How the fuck did I miss out on Burnout: Paradise for so long?


Sex disguised as a racing game.

Seriously, I don't like racing games. They get boring too quickly, the AI gets incredibly cheap incredibly fast, and it just seems to get repetative. But this isn't like that. This is...well, good. Everytime I start a game it's like "What am I going to try and do now?" Should I start some races? Should I drive around as fast as I can and hit things? should I put on some pants or close the blinds? What about the jumps and breakable things, should I hit those?

Every time I play it's different, and it's all located in the same city. No more waiting around for a race to start, it's my decision. No more getting stuck having to do the same race over and over to progress, now if I don't like a race I can move on to something else. Tired of the car you have? Get a new one. Tired of cars, period? Play "let's go as fast as possible without hitting anything hopefully" with a bike. Tired of bikes? Stop being picky dammit, go back to cars then.

I've played both versions of the game, and they both look and play fantastic. Unfortunantly, due to me having an insuperiority complex, I felt the need to get the 360 version for cheevos over the PS3's "trophy" system. I like my gamerscore better than my trophy collection. Sue me, I got Killzone 2 too, so :P. I'll get trophies on the PS3 exclusives. I just prefer my 360 controller over the PS controller. If you told me five years ago that I'd be saying that, I'd have punched you in the crotch, but meh, time happens.

Anyway, what was I writing about? Oh, yeah, Burnout. I haven't had the chance to play multi-player more than a few minutes, but the "hit two buttons be online" aspect of the game is incredibly awesome. I just need to get better cars before I try and stand a chance there. Fucking Ecto-1 ramming me and knocking me out regardless of grumble, grumble, grumble...So I'll definitely be playing it on a FNF in the not too terribly distant future. Or another night if we can pick one.

So, tl;dr Burnout Paradise is the fucking tits, and for twenty dollars why haven't you got it right now too?

Everyone does it, whether they like to admit it or not. You do it. I do it. Hamza does it (sometimes several times a day). It's not that we're all lonely, or even that we can't find anybody to do it with, it's just sometimes you'd just rather sit and play with yourself all day then have someone else ruin the mood. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But is it better to play with yourself, better to get someone else to play with you, or is it all just a matter of opinion?

For some people playing with others is the only way to play, whether the others want to play with them or not. You know these people, these, "rapists" of multi-player games. Team-killers, homophobes, racists, and misogynists, the sole purpose of these players is to come into your gaming bubble, whether online with friends or online alone, and destroy your sense of safety and security. Why did this happen to me, you'll ask as you get tea-bagged by a high pitched scream from the other side of the screen, mindlessly shouting profane words that they probably don't fully understand. Why would they do this? You may ask, as you feel the violation of your gaming experience settling in. Why?

For some people, this is the only way they've learned to play games. The single player experience just doesn't "do it" for them, leaving them frustrated and unspent, and they need to lash out at the society that doesn't understand their struggles with "reading," and "following the story," and "comprehension skills." In a bizarre twist of irony, people who play like this also end up getting even more angry when confronted with someone who plays similar, so that game matches more often than not end up in an unintelligible screaming match where volume usually ends up as the deciding factor over skill and ability. This is unpleasant for not only those involved, but especially the innocent bystanders who were just trying to get a quickey in, but end up leaving feeling beaten down and worthless.


You're not having as much fun as these guys.

Another set of people who play are the "casual encounters". They like to play solo occasionally, but getting online and hooking up is what they really like to do. Friends, strangers, furries, it doesn't matter, these players will hook up with anything to have a good time. Some are really good at playing with themselves, and bring this over to the multiplayer side, and it shows, while some aren't so good and have to try and cover it up with braggadio and swagger, but in the end they're all there to "just have a little fun." Generally this type won't force you into anything you don't want to do, and will explain different "rules" and "techniques", anything to help you help them get a little bit more out of the game.

Unfortunantly, this type can get clingy and attached, and often become emotional and hurt if you start spending more time playing with yourself then with them. Even explaining that sometimes you just need some time to play with yourself because it's relaxing and fun, and gives you that sense of accomplishment that you can't always get with others is difficult, because you may accidently (or not) make them feel less about themselves and bring their inadequacies to the surface. More often than not, the only way to rid oneself of this is to make a clean break, and ignore the hurt, and eventually hurtful, messages they send remaniscing about how much fun you used to have together, and how much fun they're now having with their "new" friends, and how much they miss you and just want to get back together, just one more time. This is a trick, and will just make it that much harder the next time.


Spends a lot of time at home. By himself. Playing with himself. Until he asks if you want to see his pokeballs, he's usually harmless.

Finally, and finally on topic, are the soloists. Online happens occasionally with this group, but more often than not they stay home alone playing exclusively with themselves. Does this make them less of a person then those who go out and randomly hook up to play? No, and in fact the soloist oftentimes has different and better experiences than those who go out to the same game over and over again. There's more games out there than the popular game of the month, you know, and being a solo player means that you're more willing to get out and try the older, not so pretty games, then being a slavish follower of the new sexy of the month.

Being willing to take a chance on a game that only you will play is also freeing, as you don't necessarily have to tell anyone about it. Some people reading have games like this, secret obsessions that no one will ever hear about, but they can't stop playing and won't as long as they're not found out. You can experiment with different styles and different techniques, and if you aren't doing good with one type, you can always switch back to how you were doing it before. Also, not having to rely on someone else to even show up can be nice, as there's also no chance of you standing yourself up. You can play with yourself early in the morning, all through the night, and even right after lunch on Sunday. No one can tell you no.

So, is playing with yourself more fun than messing around with others? Depending on the circumstances, I believe it can be, as you don't have to wait for anyone, the only person you have to please is yourself, and the amount of enjoyment you get out of the experience is up to you.

Alright, I'll bite since everyone else and their dog is doing it, even if I hate to reveal ANYTHING on the interwebs. Most of you older kids should know most of this stuff, but you young'uns might not.

1. I'm pretty much one of the most laid back people you'll ever meet. It's true, it takes a lot to get me riled up. My thought on the matter is that you only get to go through this thing once, don't get too excited about it. And I used to smoke a lot of pot, so there's that....

2. I work as a Medical Assistant in an outpatient Cancer Center. So all those cancer jokes I make? I believe I can say them, because I've seen first hand what that shit does to people, and it ain't pretty.

3. Born, raised, and love me some Dallas, TX. Y'all can say what you want, I'll stick with my hot summers, brisk winters, and Cowboys. :P

4. Destructoid is the first website I've ever been a member of. I never really saw the point of joining a website or web community, because seriously, doesn't everyone have better things to do with their time?

5. Trent Reznor is my personal jesus. Nine Inch Nails is the greatest thing ever, and has helped me through some tough times. Seen 'em a few times live, literally own every release, and think Gave Up is the best song ever.

6. I was in the Army. It's true. They let me drive tanks for a while. Then we had a "disagreement", and I got out with an uncharacterized discharge, meaning it really never happened.

7. I've met more people I consider friends off of Dtoid in the last year than I have in real life. It's not that I'm not a social person, it's just that I don't like to go out much anymore. I burned myself out on that years ago.

8. Since getting a Nintendo at age 4 or 5, I've made it a point to try and get every console released. Notable exceptions being the Saturn, the Jaguar, and the 3DO. But I've played them.

9. I still have my original snes. And it still gets played the hell out of. I make it a point to try and replay Earthbound, LoZ:LttP, Actraiser, Final Fantasy 2 and 3, and Soulblazer yearly.

10. I'll see you guys at PAX again this year. So you best come.

11. My screen name is literally me not having an idea for a screen name. So I just wrote bleh, man. And it stuck.

***Not all people who post on Destructoid are mindless trolls that are a scourge to legitimate gaming fans. They post only to feed off of the "masses" or "target audience" for dumbed down or those who are just plain too stupid to realize they're feeding one. However in general, on the average(redundant, I know), most trolls on dtoid are as DUMB as my "fellow" Americans who push pro-life and their dried up religious views onto others(just because I'm an insensitive asshole doesn't mean I can't share my ignorance as well as they can)***

I can take a wild guess as to why.

Most do not like the fact that you cant:

1. Post mindless flamebait, kind of like a braindead zombie?
2. Lack of writing skill = poster actually having to figure something that'll appeal to the mindless common denomonater (halo kids? Easy targets!)
3. Be a competent writer with actual knowledge of the English language, or what I refer to as...Ability.
4. Writing more than one post reworded to sound like it's new, originality is just too much to ask for most trolls on dtoid.

So, instead of dubbing an audience as crap because it's better than you at some games, you resort to your old, piss poor habits, or the fact that you might be afraid to take a chance on something OTHER PEOPLE LIKE, so you're "too indy" for those games.

And for the rest of you decent folk who are outnumbered by this waste of community accounts on dtoid: Continue reading and enjoying this video game blog, whether you have to skip some writers or not. At least some of us out there can handle criticism of games we like, or at least if we can't, we are not ignorant enough to bash others because we can't play well. You've got a litter of other games to pick from, go back to Douche y McDouche Douche or whatever fucking "original" game you play. There's plenty available.

Know your place. Is it possible for someone to be a decent person and to declare flamebait as crap? YES. Is it more likely that a person who IS butthurt will troll gamesites to tell people what they SHOULD think as a gamer? You bet your hackey ball sack it is.

If you're reeled in by the flamebait, it's because you give in to pretentious douchebags that have nothing better to do than bait people thinking they're great. Again, for the people who have difficulty reading... I wasn't talking about all players on xbl, just the majority, JUST LIKE EVERY BLOG I'VE EVER WRITTEN. So don't read this blog like I wrote it for only your eyes to see. Read it like I'm an elitist prick. That's more like it. than the kid who dubs a game crap when they can't change or use that waste of an organ in their skull.

Call me an "elitist" for being a douche. I'd rather be an elitist asshat who doesn't derive any fun from gaming than another piece of waste ruining XBL with their consistant "fun" and "enjoyment of games."

"Boo hoo someone criticized something only I must like and I have to tell everyone about it, they must suck!"
1. Build a small mound of dried leaves and wood.
2. Ignite said pile
3. ??????????
4. Profit!

I play too many games at once. It's a well known fact to me, and it's a problem because I end up not finishing any of them. For instance, right now I'm playing Persona 3:FES because I want to finish it before jumping into Persona 4. During this time I've also been playing, on occasion, Blue Dragon, Soul Nomad, Mario Kart, Hotel Dusk, Left 4 Dead, and the game I'm about to talk aboot, Overlord.

Now, Overlord is a product of me playing too many games. I played it several, several months ago, picked something else up and never finished it. But a few weeks ago, I started to question why that was. Was it a lackluster game? Did I just start not liking it? These questions and the fact I needed to get away from taking tests in high school again drove me back there this weekend. Did I like it again? Or did I see what had me put it down to dive into another game?

To be honest, I think I set this down for Lost Odyssey so...

Anyway, in a word, did I like it again? Yes.

In two words: Fuck yes.

In three: Pretty much yes.

Overlord is wonderful. Not only do you get to be the "bad guy," you get an army of little Minions to control and send out to do your dirty work. It's fantastic! And the little Minions steal things and put them on! And get drunk! And bring you things! It's like the dog from Fable with less barking, more doing what you say. And you don't have to scold them or praise them, if you like them, just keep them alive. If you don't, just toss 'em in the river. But how could you toss something in the river that brings you gold and potions while exclaiming loudly, "FOR YOOOOUU!!"

On the other side though, you do have a little Minion Jester who sings your praises as you wander through your evil castle. That you can decorate. With things like new Red Carpet and Designer Evil Chair. Oh yeah, evil decorating ftw. That and you're not technically fully evil, because you do end up helping people. Unless you kill them. But if you kill them, you have no one to fear you so...you know. But you do get a real nice mistress for your castle. Who, I don't know, cleans or something. But you can dump her for her slutty sister, which is cool.

It's still a great game though, with a great feel to it. The "no camera control" isn't really an issue, most of the time it can be solved by just re-centering it. The characicatures of popular creatures in the mythology world are freaking awesome. The blood thirsty unicorns, the fat little halflings, the whiny elves, they all seem more realistic compared to the noble creatures they're usually portrayed to be. I've never played Pikmin, but apparently that's what it is, an evil version of Pikmin. And since it's been out for quite a while, it's quite cheap. I urge you, pick this game up. Do it meow!