Hi! My name is Jack Klassen.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures,
With the end of the year fast approaching, and with all the good games to come out this year out, I thought I'd tell you about some great games that you may have missed, be it due to ignorance about the title, not going to "those" types of stores, or even christianity. These titles missed out on getting attention while their big brothers got all the glory and I feel it's time the spotlight shines on them. So, without further ado, the best games you didn't play this year.
Rock Band: Dokken
With such hit as "The Hunter", who wouldn't want to be a member of 80's Rock Superstar vehicle Dokken? with their recent comeback attempt, Harmonix decided that Dokken would be the best fit for a follow-up to the dismal flop Guitar Hero 5. Unfortunely none of the actual band members could make it in to the studio to be motion captured, so members of the band Ratt stepped in to help them out. No one knows the difference.
Grand Theft Auto: The Ballsack of Gay Tony
As the owner of Liberty City's minor league soccer team, the Liberty City Sac Tappers, Tony "Menudo" Smith has his hands full. Full of balls. Mainly, the illegal shipment of 100,000 soccer balls full of heroin that got illegally shipped to him. Now, with more balls than he's used to handling by himself, he'll have to get his team to do more than just play soccer with his balls if he wants to get off without getting any on him.
On the planet Panboredom, a new hero has arrived to free the population of it's bandit problem. You play as Steven Jackson, running back for the St. Louis Rams and snappy dresser, who somehow gets transported to a different world. Midgets, the shirtless guys from Twilight, and a really dumb endboss await you in this platforming role playing first person shooter.
Scene It: Twilight
Wait... This is a real fucking game? You have to be fucking with me. Right? Guys?
With a sprinkle of Milo and Otis and a dash of Dudley Moore, legendary ex-Team Ninja leader Tomonobu Itagaki brings you his newest Ninja Gaiden like experience sans the ninjas and gaiden. Taking on the role of Kitty Riggs, you'll pounce, paw and purr your way to victory against the evil dog army of Lord Puppytickleus.
Plants vs Hedgeclippers
Not as exciting as zombies, but still pretty fun to play as the clippers.