Hi! My name is Jack Klassen.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures,
James Sterling in his past life as an Anne Rice vampire.
Jim "Burrito" Sterling has a secret. A secret that he's tried for years to hide, be it behind his wife, his country, or his PS3. Because the PS3 is big and black. But to this I say, no more! No more hidden shame, because today I reveal his biggest secret to you, the blog reading community that sits idly by masturbating and refreshing to get the most faps possible out of life. Or whatever it is you call what you're doing sitting there with your pants around your ankles, frantically trying to maintain your erection. You're at work, have some decency for christ's sake.
But I digress.
Jim Sterling has an addiction. An addiction to hedgehogs.
Like this, but with feelings.
That's right. While all of you out there in radioland have been arguing over which console Jim is a bigger fanboy of, he's been busy robbing pet stores of their spiny packages. He then goes to home improvement stores and uses his name and intimidating figure to procur vast quantaties of blue paint. And not only that, but, using the extra money he saves by stealing them instead of buying, he's been getting little tracks that he sets up around his house, much to the chagrin of his wife. After spending hours setting up loops and odd angles that go nowhere and take forever to figure out if you're going the right way and why does he go fast if you can't see what's ahead of you you'd think that they could make a goddamn 3d game worth a fuck how hard is it to go fast and not run into a fucking wall and stop what's the fucking point...
I'm sorry, I got off topic. It won't happen again.
Anyway, after spending hours setting up the tracks, and painting little signs that say "Shag Carpet Zone" in the living room, "Strange Room Wife Disappears to Before Food Magically Appears Zone" in the kitchen, and "The Place Where Poo Goes to Die Zone" in the back yard (he does live in Mississippi), he goes off to the garage where the magic happens. Usually by this time the hedgehogs are dead from being left in a small airless container for the two weeks it takes to set up the tracks, and he has to go back to the same pet store he robbed last time, using the excuse "but they didn't have a price tag on them, how should I know they weren't free". After manually stapling price tags to a few, he gets kicked out of the store, only to return later with a dress on and a sassy attitude. 'Cause no one messes with Pam Grier as Jane Sterling, coming soon to FX.
I'm getting off topic again. Sorry.
After gathering all the necessary ingrediants for his Sonic stew, Sterling then proceeds to paint the hedgehogs using the old tried and true method of putting them in a ladle and dipping them in the paint buckets. Blinded and burning from the toxic chemicals from the old blue material he's using, Jim then loads the hedgehogs into little mine carts, put them on the track, yells "SONIC AWAY" and proceeds to dropkick the cart down the first hill. Yes, dropkick. Both feet off the ground, four feet in the air, wrestling style dropkick. It's glorious, you should really see it. It's like if that really big guy from wrestling, I don't know his name now, they always switch 'em up on me anyway you shouldn't really be watching wrestling anymore don't you know it's fake sure they really do stuff and I bet it's pretty hard to do enough HGH to get that big to go on tv in your tighty whities and touch other men...
Aaaaand that happened. Back on track.
ANYWAY, what I'm really trying to say is this: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is the worst game ever made.
Thank you. You may now return to your regularly scheduled fapping session.