Hi! My name is Jack Klassen.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures,
Destructoid. Since the first time I visited, I've had it hooked in my mind. My days are wasted at work, and I constantly want to know what's going on on the site. I know I can sometime come across as an ass, but I'm really a nice guy, and this is my little thank you note, to you, the community.
First and foremost, the writers, editors and contributors to the front page. I don't spend much time there now, due to the fact I'm hopelessly addicted to the cblogs and forums, but I do occasionally read it and love it.
Niero: You created my favorite website and community, due to the fact you were hardcore enough to try and get into E3 with a fake website. Which turned out to be the best damn thing ever. Much props, man. Much respect.
Who the Fuck is? Jim Sterling: By far one of my favorite writers on the site. And I love hearing you on FNF. Nothing like you yelling "fucking cunts!" whenever you get killed.
Rev. Anthony: By far my favorite writer (sorry Jim) on the site. The first thing I read that you wrote was the Mario Bros movie review. I've hung on your every word since then. Even though you ruined the "would you kindly?" moment, but I don't blame you. I should've finished the damn game first. Keep up the good work, and NEVER LEAVE PLEASE!!!!!!
Tristero: COME BACK! WE MISS YOU!!!
Chad: I know I give you shit about you dolphin love, but I'm just playing. Dolphins aren't really gay sharks. Just metrosexual sharks. Respect knuckles?
Hamza: You're a shark. And a badass one at that. And continuing good luck wishes being cblog master.
Colette: Your avatar has been the subject of many wet dreams. Good luck writing on all these blogs. Like your stuff on the other ones, too.
Nick Chester: What happened to Brutal? Your av is so nice now.
Topher: Your "Ready to Friday" blogs always get me pumped up for the weekend.
Mike Ferry: BRING MINIBOSS MONDAY BACK! Please?
Orcist: Congrats on the admin duties. And post more. I don't see you around too often no mores.
Grim: You are win, sir.
Ron: Meatspin, buddy. Meatspin. You should come out to the next Tejas NARP. We could get drunk, kill some hookers, have a good time. Cereally.
Faith: COME BACK! WE MISS YOU, TOO!!!1
Nex: Loved you when you were here, except you called me a cunt on EVERY blog I commented on of yours. Well, not all, but close.
Leigh: Don't let balth scare you, come back and play for awhile.
Gameboi: Keep writing, you'll get off the last year's contributors soon enough.
The rest: I appreciate ya'll. More than you'll know. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
Now I get down to the hard part. The community. There are so many of you out there, who are here now, new, or have left, never to be seen again. I miss you lost souls. So to preface, I will forget people, and for that I'm sorry. Don't mean to leave you out, it's just that I have a short-term memory problem. So let's start then.
Mxyzpltk: The master of the comments, the wizard of the forums. You make me lol on a regular basis. And your av is teh awesome.
Snaileb: Your screams of "blehman, NOOOOOOO!" haunts my dreams after FNF. And while I do miss your steampunk humping stormtrooper, your new av is better. Stay with us man. Stay with us.
BlindsideDork: The most prolific of proliferic bloggers on the site, you earned every bit of that link off the main page. I'd of kept up with your Smash contest if the leader wasn't ten points ahead of me. But I still read it.
Electro Lemon: Don't worry, you'll be old enough to come hang out with everyone soon enough. Just don't do the Plano heroin chic thing.
Necros: Awesome hair. And keep on listening to green grass and high tides in restaurants.
Atlas: Is Fontaine
Spartacus: Best avatar evar? Yes.
MrJunko: I haven't seen any art from you lately. :(
Bloodylip: I miss the shotgun penguin. But banana nazi's funny too.
King3vbo: ...not that king3vbo is a whiny bitch or anything...but you do have the creepiest av on the site. Keep your win level up, and come back to the forums.
Banj: One of the first to comment on my cblogs, and I swear I'll write that follow-up one day. Then you can get back to calling Ayn Rand "your kind of cunt". Stay with us man, you keep the forums hopping.
Serpentish: The other reason I check the forums everyday. Witty, quick, and an occasional ass. Win, win and win in mah book.
BahamautZero: My first memory of FNF is still rocket races with you as my partner. Hope your ex dies in a fire.
Justice: You're awesometown man, keep doing what you're doing.
VWGTI: Keep bringing what you got to the table good sir. Wish I had a PS3 so I could kill you online. Or run screaming.
Lethal Hairdo: Bring the manliness and games blogs back, plz. And much respect for the locks of love thing, I'm actually growing my hair back out right now to do that. Just got into the "awkward won't stay out of your eyes and ears" phase. Fun.
dvddesign: One of the few I've met IRL. Your Japan blogs are great, you're great, and don't let anyone give you any shit. Come out sometime.
Dexter345: Another forum favorite. Your cblogs don't do you justice.
Dynamic Sheep: Some of the strangest stuff I've ever seen has been due to you. Oh well.
Athiestium: I don't think you like me, but I like you. You're an awesome gamer girl, and I know you don't care, but I think you could be a toid writer one day. Just keep doing what you're doing.
Kryptinite: Another personal fav of mine. Respect knuckles.
Samit Sarkar: Who the fuck are you again? I really don't know who you are, just that you're everywhere nowadays...
Neonie: Glad you're back, man. Glad you're back. Don't leave again, and don't let noone give you no shit about your avatar.
Whiteboy: Better now, but you still need to stop double posting on your own cblogs. Not trying to flame you, just letting you know. Keep not sucking, and keep your blogs coming.
CaffeinePowered: Word. Love your stuff meng.
Poopface: Where you at?
NihonTiger: I'm sad your worst character ever is over. :( But you're still here, so that's aiight.
backflip: Didn't realize who you were until a month ago, when I realized you were backflip from the forums. Different avatars fuck with me meng. It's awesome your out on the front page again.
Eschatos: Even though you have the anti-toid as your av, you seem to be a great guy, and very consistently funny.
Vexed Alex: Great poster. Always read your stuff.
tazarthayoot: I support your writing. Greatness.
Mr.Wilson: A far, far better Rock Band player then I am.
Rabdt: Also, better at teh Rock Band.
Wiisucks: I still don't quite believe you exist, but I'm getting closer.
Cheeburga: Where'd you go meng? Ain't had no chee-lulz in a while.
Sharpless: You're awesome dude, even if I have no idea what's up with your av.
Knives: Quit throwing marshmellows.
Teta: Your avatar is quite possibly the most distracting thing I've ever seen. Ever. I mean that. So much productivity has been lost due to staring at that bouncy chest.
MrSadistic: The next to reach 9000 comments. You've been here a short time, and you've already past my comment count. SLOW DOWN!!!
Sheir: Your forum av is still better than Kevin Smith.
UnstoppableJuggernaut: COME BACK TO DTOID!!! LEAVE THEM TOYS ALONE!!!! And keep it light on the cider. lol
Reaprar: Man, woah. Man. Woah. Keep your angry square head yelling at newbs. I think it's funny at least.
bhive: I haven't had much direct contact, but I like your thoughts and comments meng.
Wardrox: Don't worry, I'll still read your blog you rankwhore.
Coonskin05: Another member I've met...wait, that doesn't sound right...Another Dtoider I've met, and one I mean to meet again. Hurry up with that college shit and come back to Dallas.
Y0j1mb0: Love your movie reviews. Wish I had a PS3 so I could come get shot at in UT3.
GAMEGOBLIN: You make me lol more often then not, wish you wrote more.
Twisted Imp: Hope your career as the Mexican Ron Jerimy works out well.
SadieG: Bring Chun-Li back!
Cowzilla: Glad you still write over here sometimes. Appreciate ya pall.
Virtual Girl: MOST EPIC COSPLAYS EVER. Period.
Zargon: Bring what went wrong back. You're a skilled writer, I like to read your stuff man.
Steel Squirrel: Besides the pickle quote(best. quote. ever.) you've left a lot of great impressions in my mind. And if you hit the courts, your son could be named Link.
itemforty: Keep the Austin dream alive. I SWEAR I'll make it back down there eventually.
pointingdevice: Same as item. For everyone who don't know who you are, let me just say you're one of the coolest guys I've met. Look forward to knocking some cold-one's back with you.
Spiderchrist: Can't wait to see what you say next in the forums.
-D-: Are you back yet? WHERE ARE YOU REGULARLY?
Puppetpallmich: I don't see why everyone gives you shit man, you seem alright to me.
Butmac: You need to do some more community help videos. Those are some of the greatest videos EVAR.
BigPopaGamer: Thanks for the birthday blog, keep boobing us up meng. And I took you seriously, even if your avatar underboobs kept my attention most of the time. And thanks for the shirt. I'll get a pic up of me in it eventually.
power-glove: Always with the updates, sorry I give you shit occasionally. Awesome reporter for teh toid, I can see a link on the main page if you start sending your tips in to the editors.
CronosBlade: Met you too, need to get a PS3 so we can play together sometime meng. Also, the Austin comments relate to you too. I SWEAR I'll get back down there soon.
TronKnotts: One of the greatest av's ever. Where'd you go? Oh, that's right, super congrats to the bump to main pager writer.
aborto thefetus: Your criminally underrated ten things I learned this week is one of my favorite Friday reads. And you should bring the Santa hat fetus back.
Shipero: Except for Mystic Quest, I generally agree with your choice of games. Keep writing and I'll keep agreeing.
taumpytears: Quit changing your avatar meng. Cereally. I get used to it, it changes and I don't recognize you for two weeks, realize it's you, avatar changes, etc., etc.
To those I forgot: Sorry, but there really is a lot of ya'll. I've been writing this since last night, and I'm friggin tired. Just want to let ya'll know you too are important, and even if we give you shit, just take it and come back stronger. It's people like YOU who make this site what it is today, which is my second home.
To those who have moved on: Ya'll probably have your reasons, but I miss some of you kids the most. Come back if you get tired of those "other" websites. Like porn.
So, I'm sorry I took so much space to get to this point. I'll leave on this brief tl;dr version of this post: