Among the glorious gems that came out this year, a lot of rough got in with the diamonds. As opposed to all you tools with your "best games that I complained my way through because Destructoid didn't pick it A#1 Duke of New York game" lists, here's my numbered cocktease of games that didn't really impress nor impregnate me in 2008.



5. Fallout 3 - This is such a stupid game. Pick your own way? The fuck? If I wanted to choose my own way I'd pick up an 80's choose your own adventure book. I want my story line fed to me in as cheesy a way possible, with kids involved if possible. I also hated the way you got stuck if you were a dumbas...intelligent player, and as opposed to NOT WALKING DIRECTLY OVER THE BIGASS GAP IN THE ROCKS and instead doing that, you'd get stuck. What, there's no climbing in the future? I demand the gamemakers pay for my ignorance and lack of immersion. Besides, where are all the Russian weapons? And if the Chinese won, why can't I eat the dogs?

Don't get me started about how quickly I cruised through the main mission either. I can't be expected to wander around and find things for sixty hours when it's not isometric. I mean, who ever heard of a Bethesda game where you wandered around in first person for hours on end? It's a travesty! I need to be spoonfed good RPG's, not given the option to experience them!



4. Chinese Democracy Forever- Seriously guys, I've been waiting fifteen GD years to play this new Duke Nukem game, and you give it to me, and all I can see on screen is an equilizer? It's like you just developed this as shareware and didn't even care about gameplay. At least I can play minesweeper while I listen to the kick-ass music. Or can I....?



3. Left 4 Dead - A.K.A. Halo 4(the flood and that's it), this game was the super equivalent of a co-op dream, however since I'm a complete jack-ass I chose to not play with people I know and play with strangers online that I know nothing about, and being a trusting fool am completely dismayed by their lack of teamwork. And their sweeping generaliztions. And their subtle racism. But I sure did learn a lot! For instance, did you know Louis tries to eat the zombie brains because they look like watermelon? Keen. And Zoey always dies first. Why? Because she's not in the kitchen. Zing!

But no, seriously, this game is the equivelant to someone who doesn't actually read what I write before commenting. Stupid fun.



2. Lost Odyssey - This is such a stupid game. Follow the storyline? The fuck? If I wanted to follow a linear story line I'd pick up a fucking book. I want to wander around and explore at my own whim. I want to tiptoe through the tulips and not have kids at my feet who take me to my...well, spoilers would have followed, but I'm not a complete douchebag. If I was, my name would be dprime. But fuck them kids. And the laughing scene? Worst cutscene of 2001/02. Tidus was such a bitch in this game, it really sullies the name of the whole series. At least it was better than VIII with all it's "let's stand around and absorb magic for half an hour from one creature" gameplay bullshit. And blitzball was a horrible addition to the Final Fant...what was I talking about again?



1. Metal Gear Solid 4: Cutscenes of the Patriots - FOR FUCKING SERIOUSLY? HOW DID YOU PICK THIS AS YOUR MOST DISSAPOINTING GAME? DID YOU NOT PLAY IT? DID YOU NOT EXPERIENCE THE MOVIE MAGIC AND CONFUSING AS FUCK STORYLINE? DID YOU NOT SET IT DOWN AFTER A FEW HOURS NEVER TO PICK IT BACK UP? Oh, wait, no, that's exactly what I did with it...