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About Me
Real name: Mike

Amazing gif!



bleh, man
Age:29
Lives in: Dallas, Tx
Occupation: Mayor of Metro City
Member of: Official Destructoid Beard Club
Consoles: 360, ds, snes, ps2
Hobbies: Games, reading, guitar, drinking

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All of the things


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For Wiisucks:
Hi! My name is Jack Klassen.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures,





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Also, X-mas Shake(a.k.a. itemforty is teh sex)
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APPLE: Enemy of the FUTURE
blehman | 2:06 PM on 05.12.2010 33 comments




It’s no wonder that oranges have been taking their aim off the nonsense Fruit Salad market when apple shows up to the tree front. I personally don’t own a fruit grove but my brother does. After actually eating some apples myself, the reasons are very clear why they would target oranges, a fruit with such a different taste, that many people often speculate about merger. NOT NOW THOUGH.

Bananas, at an investors meeting finally identifying the fact that Apples are chewing down the very “casual” market that pomegranates were designed for, “Enemy of the future.” He declared.

From my take on the matter, it’s about time we level the playing field with a competitor that takes a real pride in the same fundamental philosophies that apples do. The battle before with bananas and oranges was COMPLETE nonsense and had no honor in the integrity of fruit and innovation. Competitors like Apple are as close as to the day of Aunt Jemimah versus waffles as it’s going to get. Eaters need to back Apple and oranges for the betterment of the entire industry going forward, it’s very important.

Personally, I’m looking very forward to watching both of those tasty fruits out-innovate each other in order to capture the audience versus today’s condition; where companies are using a constant monkey-see/monkey do tactics in order to manipulate the buyers to buy fruit roll-ups. I am looking very forward to buying both products that these companies release in the future.



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30 comments | showing # 1 to 30
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Blasto's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 14:27
Blasto
F1R57
Xzyliac's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 14:33
Xzyliac
Oranges are where it's at. Only fucking fanboys still eat apples and tomatoes are so not a fruit. I don't care what anyone says.
blehman's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 14:39
blehman
Blasto, with your "l337" use of the word "first," along with your speed and obvious skill using a computer to be able to get in here fast enough to be the first comment on a community authored weblog of obvious status and awesomeness, I just need to ask you a quick question?

Do you mind if I mate with your mouth through forced sodomy? We could play some Halo or Madden if it'll put you in the mood. :D
Occams electric toothbrush's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 14:56
Occams electric toothbrush
...And that's when lychee showed up and ruined everyone's shit.

Enkido's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 14:59
Enkido
This all plays into the fruitsalad's hand. With no one watching they now have the opportunity to completely overtake that entire section of the food pyramid.
Mr Andy Dixon's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 15:01
Mr Andy Dixon
I prefer grapes.

And by grapes, I mean testes.

@Blasto

And by testes, I mean 735735.
CelicaCrazed's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 15:53
CelicaCrazed
Oranges are good but I prefer my tangerines. Or clementines. I don't know, I always get those two mixed up.
Takeshi's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 16:08
Takeshi
Blehmons. Tastiest fruit out there.
Blasto's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 16:10
Blasto
bleh, what do you mean "forced" sodomy?

01000100010011110010000001001001010101000010000001000110010000010100011101000111010011110101010000100001
Blasto's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 16:13
Blasto
God damn it, it cut of my binary >:[

0100010001001111001000000100100101010100001
0000001000110010000010100011101000111010011
110101010000100001
blehman's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 16:15
blehman
I like the cut of your binary, mister. ;)
Blasto's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 16:20
Blasto
Aww, god damn it...
Elsa's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 16:38
Elsa
I like kiwi fruit.
(don't judge me!)
Occams electric toothbrush's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 17:32
Occams electric toothbrush
@Elsa: YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGED.
Om Nom On Souls's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 19:06
Om Nom On Souls
I prefer oranges, but apples are prettier
Xzyliac's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/12/2010 21:32
Xzyliac
@Om Nom On Souls
Graphics whore.
Steel Squirrel's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 01:43
Steel Squirrel
I'm Steel Squirrel and I approve of this message.
Stevil's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 05:42
Stevil
I bit into an apple last night only to find it was rotting from the inside out.

GAH!
ikiryou's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 08:55
ikiryou
What of watermelons? They have that nice, wet, soft pinkness on the inside and, when oven-warmed, provide a superior single player experience on cold, lonesome evenings. *looks around*
blehman's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 10:02
blehman
Woooooo I got spam on my blog wooooooo
Maurice Tan's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 12:41
Maurice Tan
NUTS!
Pudge Controls the Weather's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 13:41
Pudge Controls the Weather
Uhh,I think everyone knows that pomegranates are god tier.
PappaDukes's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 16:47
PappaDukes
This is relative to my interests in fruits.



Flamboyantly gay fruits.
EdgyDude's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 17:43
EdgyDude
You apple fanboys and your silly cult, really, when you feel like going back to the real fruit world let me know, i'll have some pears ready for you, cuz at the end of the day pears are juicier, tastier, sweeter and they don't clog your shit in your intestine like them fucking apples do, I.E. PEARS ARE SUPERIOR BITCHES!.
rpbowlinggod's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/13/2010 18:36
rpbowlinggod
I think we're all missing the indie genre of this conversation...strawberries. They push the corporate envelope with their inherent sexuality and are only available when their god damn ready to be.
NateT's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/14/2010 07:34
NateT
OET got the fruit domination down there. Lychees take all. They don't need not stinking Fruit Salad.
Sharpless's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/14/2010 09:17
Sharpless
Get on Left 4 Dead so I can defibrillate your corpse some more.
Puppy Licks's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/14/2010 16:55
Puppy Licks
DRUNK HIGH FIVE!!!
lewness's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/14/2010 20:44
lewness
Sorry, I'm more of a vegetable person. Which doesn't really fit into the whole metaphor.
War Lord's Avatar - Comment posted on 05/17/2010 21:14
War Lord
lemons....

*walks off in the sunset*
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