Hi! My name is Jack Klassen.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures,
Alright, I'll bite since everyone else and their dog is doing it, even if I hate to reveal ANYTHING on the interwebs. Most of you older kids should know most of this stuff, but you young'uns might not.
1. I'm pretty much one of the most laid back people you'll ever meet. It's true, it takes a lot to get me riled up. My thought on the matter is that you only get to go through this thing once, don't get too excited about it. And I used to smoke a lot of pot, so there's that....
2. I work as a Medical Assistant in an outpatient Cancer Center. So all those cancer jokes I make? I believe I can say them, because I've seen first hand what that shit does to people, and it ain't pretty.
3. Born, raised, and love me some Dallas, TX. Y'all can say what you want, I'll stick with my hot summers, brisk winters, and Cowboys. :P
4. Destructoid is the first website I've ever been a member of. I never really saw the point of joining a website or web community, because seriously, doesn't everyone have better things to do with their time?
5. Trent Reznor is my personal jesus. Nine Inch Nails is the greatest thing ever, and has helped me through some tough times. Seen 'em a few times live, literally own every release, and think Gave Up is the best song ever.
6. I was in the Army. It's true. They let me drive tanks for a while. Then we had a "disagreement", and I got out with an uncharacterized discharge, meaning it really never happened.
7. I've met more people I consider friends off of Dtoid in the last year than I have in real life. It's not that I'm not a social person, it's just that I don't like to go out much anymore. I burned myself out on that years ago.
8. Since getting a Nintendo at age 4 or 5, I've made it a point to try and get every console released. Notable exceptions being the Saturn, the Jaguar, and the 3DO. But I've played them.
9. I still have my original snes. And it still gets played the hell out of. I make it a point to try and replay Earthbound, LoZ:LttP, Actraiser, Final Fantasy 2 and 3, and Soulblazer yearly.
10. I'll see you guys at PAX again this year. So you best come.
11. My screen name is literally me not having an idea for a screen name. So I just wrote bleh, man. And it stuck.