James Sterling in his past life as an Anne Rice vampire.

Jim "Burrito" Sterling has a secret. A secret that he's tried for years to hide, be it behind his wife, his country, or his PS3. Because the PS3 is big and black. But to this I say, no more! No more hidden shame, because today I reveal his biggest secret to you, the blog reading community that sits idly by masturbating and refreshing to get the most faps possible out of life. Or whatever it is you call what you're doing sitting there with your pants around your ankles, frantically trying to maintain your erection. You're at work, have some decency for christ's sake.

But I digress.

Jim Sterling has an addiction. An addiction to hedgehogs.


Like this, but with feelings.


That's right. While all of you out there in radioland have been arguing over which console Jim is a bigger fanboy of, he's been busy robbing pet stores of their spiny packages. He then goes to home improvement stores and uses his name and intimidating figure to procur vast quantaties of blue paint. And not only that, but, using the extra money he saves by stealing them instead of buying, he's been getting little tracks that he sets up around his house, much to the chagrin of his wife. After spending hours setting up loops and odd angles that go nowhere and take forever to figure out if you're going the right way and why does he go fast if you can't see what's ahead of you you'd think that they could make a goddamn 3d game worth a fuck how hard is it to go fast and not run into a fucking wall and stop what's the fucking point...

I'm sorry, I got off topic. It won't happen again.

Anyway, after spending hours setting up the tracks, and painting little signs that say "Shag Carpet Zone" in the living room, "Strange Room Wife Disappears to Before Food Magically Appears Zone" in the kitchen, and "The Place Where Poo Goes to Die Zone" in the back yard (he does live in Mississippi), he goes off to the garage where the magic happens. Usually by this time the hedgehogs are dead from being left in a small airless container for the two weeks it takes to set up the tracks, and he has to go back to the same pet store he robbed last time, using the excuse "but they didn't have a price tag on them, how should I know they weren't free". After manually stapling price tags to a few, he gets kicked out of the store, only to return later with a dress on and a sassy attitude. 'Cause no one messes with Pam Grier as Jane Sterling, coming soon to FX.

I'm getting off topic again. Sorry.

After gathering all the necessary ingrediants for his Sonic stew, Sterling then proceeds to paint the hedgehogs using the old tried and true method of putting them in a ladle and dipping them in the paint buckets. Blinded and burning from the toxic chemicals from the old blue material he's using, Jim then loads the hedgehogs into little mine carts, put them on the track, yells "SONIC AWAY" and proceeds to dropkick the cart down the first hill. Yes, dropkick. Both feet off the ground, four feet in the air, wrestling style dropkick. It's glorious, you should really see it. It's like if that really big guy from wrestling, I don't know his name now, they always switch 'em up on me anyway you shouldn't really be watching wrestling anymore don't you know it's fake sure they really do stuff and I bet it's pretty hard to do enough HGH to get that big to go on tv in your tighty whities and touch other men...

Aaaaand that happened. Back on track.

ANYWAY, what I'm really trying to say is this: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is the worst game ever made.

Thank you. You may now return to your regularly scheduled fapping session.


Who wants to touch our balls?

So I started this blog.
















Happy New Years and things, bitches.

With the end of the year fast approaching, and with all the good games to come out this year out, I thought I'd tell you about some great games that you may have missed, be it due to ignorance about the title, not going to "those" types of stores, or even christianity. These titles missed out on getting attention while their big brothers got all the glory and I feel it's time the spotlight shines on them. So, without further ado, the best games you didn't play this year.



Rock Band: Dokken

With such hit as "The Hunter", who wouldn't want to be a member of 80's Rock Superstar vehicle Dokken? with their recent comeback attempt, Harmonix decided that Dokken would be the best fit for a follow-up to the dismal flop Guitar Hero 5. Unfortunely none of the actual band members could make it in to the studio to be motion captured, so members of the band Ratt stepped in to help them out. No one knows the difference.



Grand Theft Auto: The Ballsack of Gay Tony

As the owner of Liberty City's minor league soccer team, the Liberty City Sac Tappers, Tony "Menudo" Smith has his hands full. Full of balls. Mainly, the illegal shipment of 100,000 soccer balls full of heroin that got illegally shipped to him. Now, with more balls than he's used to handling by himself, he'll have to get his team to do more than just play soccer with his balls if he wants to get off without getting any on him.



Edward Borderhands

On the planet Panboredom, a new hero has arrived to free the population of it's bandit problem. You play as Steven Jackson, running back for the St. Louis Rams and snappy dresser, who somehow gets transported to a different world. Midgets, the shirtless guys from Twilight, and a really dumb endboss await you in this platforming role playing first person shooter.



Scene It: Twilight

Wait... This is a real fucking game? You have to be fucking with me. Right? Guys?



Cute-al Legend

With a sprinkle of Milo and Otis and a dash of Dudley Moore, legendary ex-Team Ninja leader Tomonobu Itagaki brings you his newest Ninja Gaiden like experience sans the ninjas and gaiden. Taking on the role of Kitty Riggs, you'll pounce, paw and purr your way to victory against the evil dog army of Lord Puppytickleus.



Plants vs Hedgeclippers

Not as exciting as zombies, but still pretty fun to play as the clippers.

As reported earlier today on Kotaku, Medal of Honor is "rebooting" it's series in the modern day and throwing off the shackles of fighting a war in the past. Because present day wars are cool AND topical. But what are they going to do, and how are they going to do it? Thanks to an exclusive interview with an elusive source, I've tracked down certain tidbits that I can share with everyone today.

First off, the game is set in the here and now, circa ten years in the future. However, due to budget cuts, you're still using weapons that are being used today and not any futuristic weapons. In a further development, all the weapons of "today" have been melted down by socialist world leaders due to "peace", and have been replaced by WW2 era weaponry.

The next development is that you'll be working on a Philadelphia Experiment style project. That's right, the experiment that launched a dozen websites and literally ones of books will be presented in 480i High-Definition dual-speaker glory. That's TWICE the speaker power of WW2. In this experiment, the government is quietly trying to make an office building become invisible to hide SECRET DOCUMENTS about SECRETS so that the SECRETS don't become available to SECRET LOOKERS and THE TERRORISMISTS. You'll be an office worker, or, if the header pic is correct, a janitor working at the office, and be MYSTERIOUSLY transported...

I'm getting ahead of myself.

You'll be quietly working on your "secret batch" of janitor's brew, which you make and hide in your mop bucket, and suddenly EVERYTHING GOES WRONG AND THERE'S SHOOTING AND YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND A WALL AND POP OUT AND BANG BANG OH MY GOD HE'S GOT A GUN HE'S GOT A GUN WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS PLEASE STEVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'VE GOT A FAMILY AND...

Wait, no, that's my "so you've given up" game theme, not Call of Honor...

So, you're a bad ass who hasn't shaved in three years after an unfortunate affair with a razor blade killed your wife and child, and you've been called back into action with a "new guy". You'll be playing the grizzled grizzly veteran who doesn't take no for an answer, with a heart of gold and a never say die attitude. The new guy will be a go-getter that never speaks, except through his actions. Together you'll be the odd couple, married through years of covert action and missions. The game will take place in the NOT TOO DISTANT FUTURE IN A WORLD THAT COULD BE OURS. In it, terrorists, or simply dissadents that have had TOO MUCH DISS will be seeking to hate our freedoms a little too much. With violence, all will be saved, as talking only helps those little fairy RPG games and Wii games, because they don't have the software to render voices.

Suddenly LOUD NOISES AND LARGE EXPLOSIONS something happens to change the face of war and life, followed by an ending where you get to finish off the bad guy while simultanously being shot and stabbed and almost dying, but not quite enough to actually kill you. And so ends the single player.

Now, on to the multiplayer spoilers.

Unlike anything seen today, Modern Dutyfare 2: The Next Generation will feature a balls to the wall multiple player option for multiple people to get in on the action and try to shoot things, in this case, "other people", in the face. However, unlike those other weiner games with their "respawning", in Call of Honor when you die in multiplayer, you're dead FOREVER. So gird your loins and get ready to not run out in the field of battle like an epileptic monkey! Also included is real life injuries, rehab, and the possibility of being burned horribly and scarred for life.

Also, cocks.

Dear Diary,

It's been a long time since I've written in you, so I guess I should start back at the beginning. I've been in a dedicated relationship with a girl for a long time. I've been faithful to this girl, we'll call her "Sally" for right now, for a long, long time. My eyes have never strayed from her, my heart has always belonged to her, and my dedication to her has known no bounds. But lately, I've found myself strangely attracted to another girl, a girl that I've seen around for a while but never really paid attention to... Until now.

But I've already gone too far. Let me start over.

Me and Sally, my dearest Sally, have been together a little over four years. She's not an expensive date, she has lots of interesting things about her, and she likes to be touched. She went through a really rough patch when we first met, but after a massive makeover, I think she's a really pretty girl. The sheer amount of things we can do together is awesome too. I don't have to just go running with her, or driving with her, or collect things with her, we can cook, and play operation, and do all sorts of things you wouldn't expect. We like to go places together, but sometimes I feel a bit silly when we're out in public, so I usually keep our special times for when I'm alone, or not in a super public place. But I'm not embarrassed by her, oh no, I just get kind of shy when she asks me to blow on her face or yell at her when other people are around.

Our relationship has been really strong lately; actually it's been stronger than it's been in a long while, so I don't really know where this insane urge to cheat has been hiding at. This other girl, I haven't really paid attention to her at all. I've known of her, but I always thought she was a bit shallow, a bit of an attention whore, if you will. She's a bit larger than Sally, and a bit more of an expensive date, and she doesn't really have all that much going on in the brains department, but dang if she ain't a looker. I guess the fact that after all the big talk that she came spouting when she first came into my life didn't really develop into anything turned me off to her, and I never really looked back until now. I'll call her "Penelope".

Pretty, sweet Penelope, with her fancy looks and sexy curves just kind of sashayed back into my life unexpectedly last week. I'd never really taken her seriously, but decided to give her a chance since I'd just moved and was tired. So, unbeknownst to my dearest Sally, I picked up pretty, sweet Penelope and gave her a spin.

And I loved it.

But is it love, or is it lust that drove me to her? In the long run, I don't think Penelope has what it takes to keep me happy, but our fling is so full of passion right now that I can't keep my hands off her. Meanwhile, Sally is sitting at home, all alone, with no one to keep her company. Penelope is reintroducing me to old friends mixed with new ones that I didn't think I'd ever see again, but Sally always has new friends that she's more than happy to let me see if I like them before having to make that investment. Not to mention that Sally has some friends that I've known since childhood and hate turning away from them, because they're some of the most consistently fun people I've ever met. Penelope, on the other hand, has friends that I'd rather spend more time with, and it always seems like a timesink when I'm hanging out with her.

So I don't know what to think right now. I'm so confused. I've been a one woman man for so long, it's driving me batty just knowing that when I get home tonight I'm going to have options. I think I'm going to give pretty, sweet Penelope a good, long chance before I make up my mind. I don't know if dearest Sally is going to be happy about sharing our quality time with another girl, but I think that we can work it out. Because only time will tell if my lust with Penelope will flame out, or burn strong.

This gonna be a loooot of loooooove, so get yer scroll fingers ready. :D






































































And finally,


Fuck yeah, dtoid. :D