Dear Diary,

It's been a long time since I've written in you, so I guess I should start back at the beginning. I've been in a dedicated relationship with a girl for a long time. I've been faithful to this girl, we'll call her "Sally" for right now, for a long, long time. My eyes have never strayed from her, my heart has always belonged to her, and my dedication to her has known no bounds. But lately, I've found myself strangely attracted to another girl, a girl that I've seen around for a while but never really paid attention to... Until now.

But I've already gone too far. Let me start over.

Me and Sally, my dearest Sally, have been together a little over four years. She's not an expensive date, she has lots of interesting things about her, and she likes to be touched. She went through a really rough patch when we first met, but after a massive makeover, I think she's a really pretty girl. The sheer amount of things we can do together is awesome too. I don't have to just go running with her, or driving with her, or collect things with her, we can cook, and play operation, and do all sorts of things you wouldn't expect. We like to go places together, but sometimes I feel a bit silly when we're out in public, so I usually keep our special times for when I'm alone, or not in a super public place. But I'm not embarrassed by her, oh no, I just get kind of shy when she asks me to blow on her face or yell at her when other people are around.

Our relationship has been really strong lately; actually it's been stronger than it's been in a long while, so I don't really know where this insane urge to cheat has been hiding at. This other girl, I haven't really paid attention to her at all. I've known of her, but I always thought she was a bit shallow, a bit of an attention whore, if you will. She's a bit larger than Sally, and a bit more of an expensive date, and she doesn't really have all that much going on in the brains department, but dang if she ain't a looker. I guess the fact that after all the big talk that she came spouting when she first came into my life didn't really develop into anything turned me off to her, and I never really looked back until now. I'll call her "Penelope".

Pretty, sweet Penelope, with her fancy looks and sexy curves just kind of sashayed back into my life unexpectedly last week. I'd never really taken her seriously, but decided to give her a chance since I'd just moved and was tired. So, unbeknownst to my dearest Sally, I picked up pretty, sweet Penelope and gave her a spin.

And I loved it.

But is it love, or is it lust that drove me to her? In the long run, I don't think Penelope has what it takes to keep me happy, but our fling is so full of passion right now that I can't keep my hands off her. Meanwhile, Sally is sitting at home, all alone, with no one to keep her company. Penelope is reintroducing me to old friends mixed with new ones that I didn't think I'd ever see again, but Sally always has new friends that she's more than happy to let me see if I like them before having to make that investment. Not to mention that Sally has some friends that I've known since childhood and hate turning away from them, because they're some of the most consistently fun people I've ever met. Penelope, on the other hand, has friends that I'd rather spend more time with, and it always seems like a timesink when I'm hanging out with her.

So I don't know what to think right now. I'm so confused. I've been a one woman man for so long, it's driving me batty just knowing that when I get home tonight I'm going to have options. I think I'm going to give pretty, sweet Penelope a good, long chance before I make up my mind. I don't know if dearest Sally is going to be happy about sharing our quality time with another girl, but I think that we can work it out. Because only time will tell if my lust with Penelope will flame out, or burn strong.

This gonna be a loooot of loooooove, so get yer scroll fingers ready. :D






































































And finally,


Fuck yeah, dtoid. :D

Hi kids! So as several of y'all know, I'm from Texas, home of the Whopper. We also hosted a little vidja game conference the other day, or several, and I figure I might as well get on here and give a little comprehensive recap of what I did that fateful weekend. I didn't really take any pictures though, so I'll be generously stealing some from the forums and other people's cblogs.

Thursday Night



Coonskin and this arrived. I picked up a couple more six packs, we had a few refreashing beverages, and we went to sleep, to dream of tomorrow, to dream of what SGC might entail.

Friday Morning

Due to an overzealous roommate, we all woke up around eight in the morning. Coonskin immediately put on his Captain's hat and started drinking, followed by more drinking. I got to see a bulldozer plow into a barrier out in my parking lot, and later we all decided to head out there. Coonskin immediately started to hiccup. It was HILARIOUS. Twenty minutes and ten minutes later, we arrived at the glorious hotel where all the action was to take place. Not knowing where exactly in the hotel the convention would be, we decided to follow the rather rotund female Link walking with a large black man with a shirt that read "GIVE ME A FREE CHICKEN SANDWICH AND WAFFLE FRIES FOR FREE". It was classy.

Following the nerds then led us straight to a large room filled with more nerds, and the gigantic lines associated with checking in for conventions. Being mildly retarded, we decided to go ahead and stand in the back of the longest line. Being not so mildly retarded, but drunk and ready to get this show on the road, Coon soon checked out and found that no, we were not in the right line, we were supposed to be in the shorter line on the right. The one that said "OnSite Registration". As we filled out our cards with information relevant to the current situation I was approached by a suspicious looking gentleman with a "staff" t-shirt on. He apparently had the hook-up, as I made a cash transaction with him for a three day pass for the low, low price of twenty dollars, while the other kids paid forty for theirs. The only thing I had to agree on was to be called Aaron for the next few days.

While this shenaniganary was going on, Coonskin was busy flirting with Ogu, who had made his way up from good ol Mexico on a Greyhound bus. Being the racists that they are, Greyhound made them hang out at the bus terminal overnight because, and I quote, "Mexicans smell". (Not an actual quote). They then proceeded to get lost and were never seen again that day.(Also not completly true).

We then were set about wondering, just where is this "Jim Sterling" fellow that said he was making his way out to the convention. Not two fucking seconds after thinking that, the sea of nerds opened, and there he was. After some pleasantries with Coonskin, I introduced myself, and was told that no, he will not be stopping the over-italics use. He then had to go exploring, as he was apparently the only press there, so we decided to check out the famed "console room" of SGC. It was a large, dark room with three projectors, one playing Rock Band, one playing Street Fighter 4, and one playing Soul Calibur 4, with many, many side moniters with different games and systems playing on them. Cool, right? No, as this is probably the first convention many of the kids playing there had been too, resulting in them camping out in front of games for extreme periods of time. So, defeated, we gave up and left the room. Jim Sterling meet and greeted fans in the hallway. Internet celebrity, thy name is Sterling.

I imagine that everyone here has seen the post on the cartridge blowing contest, if not, please don't waste your time, it was horrible. Good fun for the under sixteen crowd, I'd imagine, boring for us not wanting to stand because all of the under sixteen crowd was standing. All we could really see is if the cartridge showed up on the screen. Meh. After that was over, we ran into the lovely Infinity's End, whose usage of the word putz was remembered and chronicled by Sterling. As my mind is completely wiped out by the massive amounts of alcohol consumed and time passed, we'll just skip ahead here and say that throughout the course of the day we ran into portastad, Bango-Skank, Dimly, Milk-Man, and others who really didn't go to Dtoid. Also, electrolemon, who recieved the shock of his life when Jim decided that damn the torpedoes, he was gonna nomnomnom on him right there in the hallway. By that time, roomie had gotten fiesty and ready to go, so without further ado we packed into the cars and headed back to my place.

Friday Night

It was fun. Destructoid Panel at my house, vidja games in both rooms, massive quantities of beer lost in the shuffle. No pics, please.

Saturday Morning

If anyone has a picture of coon sleeping, it would go here.

Saturday Afternoon

Once we roused Coon from his rightful place on the couch, we proceeded to head back up to the convention to see the Jack Thompson debate. Running into Sterling at the gas station across the street (convenience charges be damned hotel!) it was made apparent that the Q and A was actually pretty good, and I should've made it up there for that. Meh, whatever. Seeing the massive line for the debate, I pulled up a spot on the floor with Bango, Port, and others, while InfinitysEnd sat out with his massive guns unleashed, daring others to challenge his Tetris prowess. None would win.

After it was announced that the debate was 18+, the line thinned out some. Not enough for us to hope, but enough. After the line went in, someone came and announced that there was room for more, so, being the oppurtunists that we are, we made it in to actually see the debate. It was much better than I'd thought it was going to be, and JT came across as actually being level-headed, intelligently worded, and not crazy. Good times. After the debate, we said goodbye to Jimmie, and InfinitysEnd, being the fanboy that he is, got this picture of us:



...which he is probably cut out of, so click here.

Gathering Ogu and the rest of the remaining crew, we headed back to my place.

Saturday Night

Insert picture of drunken Mexicans here.

Sunday Morning

Insert picture of coonskin sleeping here, too.

For the convention, for what it was (a first time convention held in a small hotel by a video game website), the turnout was very good. It had a lot of variety and a lot of potential to be something bigger and better next year, which is why I'll go back. It seemed like most of the people there were having a good time, but in my mind it needed just a little bit more direction and focus than it had this year.

The after parties were great, I appreciate all of you who came out and hung out with us after the conventions, and I appreciate all of y'all who hung out at the convention. Next year, you shy kiddies should introduce yourselves, it's really a good time.

Finally, I saw Jim sign an autograph. It was probably the single defining moment of the weekend for him. Well, that or when he dry humped Sonic into getting his picture taken with him.

There has been, released not so recently as to be new, yet not so long ago to be old, a game on the market that sneaks up on you with it's greatness. I'm so simple, the game yells at you in it's first levels. Where is your god now, it asks in the later levels. It stands up against any of the AAA titles on the market right now, it blows Legendary out of the water, and it shits on wiiware. Gears of War 2, Killzone 2, these "2" games needed a game to fall back on, not realizing that their millions of dollars of development would fall short to the awesome power of a downloadable title.

In short, there is a game on the market that is better than any other game released right now, and I'll give you FACTS and REASONS why it's better than any other game on the market. But what is this mysterious game? What could make grown men sing, and grown women rape and plunder? What game makes children cry and puppies fart? What game is this, that makes unicorns shit rainbows, and crap thunder? It's simple, really.

Peggle.



That's right, Peggle is better than your favorite game of choice. And here's why.

1. It has an expansive single player mode. Not only the standard "adventure" mode either, once you finally tune your craft by defeating all the standard boards, you can move on to the even more challenging "challenge" mode, where rape comes standard with the cake. And even if you can make it through the challenge mode unscathed, and can retain your dignity and grace, you still need to get rid of every peg in every level to gain your final 30 gamerscore points. This game could, quite concievably, last you until the end of time.

2. Multiple pathways through each level. You think Fallout 3 had multiple ways of beating a level? That shit doesn't hold a candle to how many ways you can beat every single level in Peggle. Right or left, high or low, where you start is your business. It's all about how you play. So if you want to go sneaky and try and knock out the bottom orange pegs first, then move up higher and finish out up top, it's all up to you.

3. It has skill based gameplay. A lot of games now have what they say is "skill based" gameplay, but it's really just a form of memorization and twitch. Yeah, anyone can run through a room randomly firing rounds off to kill zombies, but how many people do you know can take the Unicorn and finish a fifth level puzzle? Yeah, I thought so.

4. It has luck based gameplay. Now, you might be thinking that this contridicts my last point. Well, you can go fuck yourself. Because without the skills it takes to get the luck running, you may as well just shoot all your balls straight down and pretend your winning. It takes skill to get lucky, just ask anyone who barhops looking for drunk chicks.

5. It has an expansive multi-player mode. Street Fighter can kiss my ass, all it has is one on one fights. Well, you can get in a Peggle Party here and go at it four ways. So you can here people talking smack and crying when things are flipping sides. And with four people it's four times as fun, none of this one on one bullshit. Unless that's your thing, and it supports you in this by allowing you, the unfriended, the ability to only play one on one. And you can even play multi-player by yourself, you know, if you don't even have that one friend.

6. It has a strong list of characters. Some games pride themselves on their characters, games like Soul Caliber, and Street Fighter, and Haze, but those games don't hold a candle to the list that shows up here. From the depressed Hamster, to the "unsure of it's sexuality" dragon, this game is deep. And while those "other" games give you backstories and moving pictures to convey what's happened in the life of the character, here YOU get to come up with the story, because you're magically transported into that characters life. From the highs of victory, to the maniacally depressed character faces of the defeated, you make the story happen. And nothing is funnier than horribly depressed happy animals.

7. It's totally not really, really, really gay. So it loads up with silly sayings like "Cranking Awesomeness" and "Loading Furry Animals", that's just saying that it's getting the cute ready for you...Ok, not a good point...Alright, so it's bright, and colorful, and full of rainbows...and unicorns...and smiles...and...and...I'm just gonna let this point trail off...

8. It kills diabetics. You heard it here first, this game is so sweet, so full of sugar and lollipops and puppy farts, that the game actually has killed people. It's true, you can find all the information on it here.

9. It's made up of half goddamn awesome. Graphs don't lie motherfuckers.



10. It's going to copy the L4D way to success. You're hearing it here first, but valve is actually going to be taking over for PopCap soon, and releasing a free update/patch for Peggle. Soon the animals will have shotguns, the pegs will be replaced by zombies, and the Unicorn will no longer be the black guy, but something more racially appropriate. And smoker hangs of the black guy will no longer be accompanied by calls of racism, or Jim Crow.

Years ago, when I was but a boy, I had a game system that ruled all other game systems, designed by a company that ruled all other game companies. That system was a Super Nintendo. That company's name was Nintendo. But lately it seems that Nintendo has abandoned us, the older, more hardcore gamer, in favor of greener, less hardcore kids. And a game system that's for kids or moms or dads or old smelly people, I don't feel that that's appropriate. I need to be pandered to now that the economy is down the drain, and I don't feel like spending hard earned money on a system where other people can have fun doing worthless things and buying accessories for their little Wii-penises. I need games, and more specifically, games that I won't whine about. And not only have they given up on us hardcore gamers, they're doing a good job at trying to kill the more relaxed "vaginas" that buy their games now, too.

Nintendo has done a pretty good job getting the "basics" of their library out there, releasing one of the numerous sequels to all of their major franchises in the past few years, but I don't feel that their production numbers are very good. One new Mario game? One new Zelda game? I need more, and I need them now. Yeah, there may be "third-party" games out there, but I don't trust my money to any unknown company that can't even get a system up and running. I mean, how much do you really need to develop a game console with a library of titles? This line is here to see if anyone is reading. I think it's laziness, pure and simple. And don't even get me started on Sega's lazy ass, giving up on the Dreamcast just because it didn't "sell well". Well, I bought one, so my money should've been used to keep the company running. All that "one person can make a difference" crap totally applies here.

Along with giving up on their installed fanbase (the new group of posers I won't even mention), Nintendo is very quietly doing something else. They're trying to kill us. Look at this.



What's the first thing you think of when you see this? If you said blunt object I can use to beat an elderly person to death, you win! I'm surprised FoxNews hasn't picked up on this yet. I know my first reaction opon obtaining a Wii was to viciously beat my cat with my Wii-mote by flailing it wildly around the Wii-strap. Then I ate. And even with the ill-fitting Wii-condom (how do those holes keep the semen in?), you can still swing with sufficiant force the Wii-cock to force injury to the back of a throat. Don't even get me started about what a loose Wii-mote can do to your eyes.



In a way even, the Wii is allowing the terrorists to win, especially because the way the Wii is designed helps the terrorists. With the "gun-realizer-actualler" installed about the head and neck of the Wii-mote, it actually mimicks a real firearm, allowing, of course, for weight, kick-back, and wind. This is no kids toy now, it is, quite literally, a terrorist-producing death machine. With such detailed training programs as Wii-Play (a clever play on words that in Arabic means "Death to Americas") more and more innocent children are being mass-produced to learn to kill(targets, yes, but next?).

So to all you "apologists" out there trying to say "Oh but the Wii does have good games for the hardcore gamer" let me just say that I don't want you in my country supporting terrorists and rape and abortion. You take your damn Wii and move to one of those hippie countries like Canada, or Syria, or North Korea, and you let me keep my freedoms here. Because just because someone else can like something doesn't mean I have to accept or acknowledge it.

So I was searching the internets this morning, and over at drudgereport I found a link to some exclusive, new Resident Evil 6 details. These are EXCLUSIVE and NEW details ABOUT the NEW and EXCLUSIVE game Resident Evil 6. They're so new, and exclusive, in fact, that not even the developers know them yet, because they're exclusively new. Caution, spoilers will follow.

1. "It will be set in the 1800s, in the Old West."

This excites me, because I'm tired of all these "modern" settings for zombie games. Gimmie a six-shooter and "Native American" zombies, let me wipe them suckers off the face of the continent! They're on my land, they have the audacity to try and eat me, and they just don't have enough clothes on.

2. "Two-player co-op was an exciting new feature in five, so much so in fact that we're adding up to sixteen player co-op in this one. Imagine the fun to be had riding around with a "posse" and ethnically cleansing the frontier of "zombies".

Wow! It's like....like, two Left 4 Dead games at once, except everyone is on your side! Keen!

3. "Due to the racial issue of the last game, we've decided to take the high route this game and not make race an issue."

....wait...it's about killing India....Native Americans indescriminantly, and it's not going to be racially charged? Ok, I don't know how that's gonna work.

4. "Two words: Hooker Minigames"

Alright, that's what I'm talking about! Wiggle that stick! OH NO HIT THE A BUTTON TO AVOID THE CRABS!

5. "We've already started working on the multi-player aspect, and because it's set back in olden times, instead of "clans" of players getting together, we're going to set them up as "klans" of players."

Can't you see the unlockable costumes coming together in your mind already?

6. "We believe that people are tired of the "virus" that we've put in the last few games, and that the "zombie" aspect is played out. So the main villian in this game is going to be "rights".

Just like George Bush! Gitmo unlockable level for Mercenaries mode!

7. "In an unprecedented move, we here at Capcom are working with Activision to incorporate a Rhythm game into the main story line. Basically, you're going to be part of a band, and after fighting hordes of peace hating Native American women and children, you'll break out into songs. So keep those plastic guitars and drums close, because who knows when you're going to want to break out into song!"

...really Capcom? Guitar Hero: Old West? Ooooo-kay?

8. "Working with Activision is teaching us that people will buy anything rhythm game related, and so in another unprecedented move, we'll be working with Konami to incorporate DDR style "hoe-down" moves to be used in conjection with the band aspect. Imagine the fun gamers will have dancing, playing fiddle, and shooting Indians."

???

9. "It will be Wii exclusive."

Alright GO WAGGLE POWER!