- by Logan Witt (continued)

Yeah, yeah, I did six in the last post, I know. That’s because I’m going to be a lot more long-winded on some of these. So then, here we go again
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#4- You will not beat me! (Final Fantasy IX)

Every gamer in the world has a story like this. And it always starts the same way, not, “Man let me tell you about this close call.” No, no. It’s always, “Hey, let me tell you about how awesome I am.” We all have that one story that makes it sound like we were brilliant or invincible or a gaming deity, and nobody can take it away from us, no matter what. One of my friends and I would love to talk about how we beat down Griever in FF VIII just recently using only Zell before getting completely wiped out (“To the death!”), but there’s a story from years before that still defines a genuine holy $#!^ moment, and it comes courtesy of the end of Final Fantasy IX.

First came the fight with Trance Kuja, with his Ultima and brutal physical attacks. It took everything I had learned in my short RPG career to carry through that fight, and I took a breath and set down the controller to celebrate, as I’m sure many other players did, at first. Then came Necron. Just diving from one seemingly final boss fight to another. I ranted, I railed, I didn’t care that at least it let you adjust equipment and get fully healed, I screamed at my t.v. how unfair this was. Then I proceeded to buckle down and get my ass kicked. But I would not be denied, not after struggling so hard and coming so far, there is no way this thing win, no matter how cheap he seemed to get. The Grand Cross attack hit the whole party with every status ailment in the game, not just a bunch, but every single one! Then he’d almost always follow that with his patented pain in the ass Neutron Ring attack, doing some serious damage, and then cast something like Flare or Holy, almost always wiping out one character, maybe two by then end of his three turn run. Oh I hated this thing with a passion, a hatred that wouldn’t be matched until a year later by some blue-crooked hair ponce on Mt. Gagazet. But I would not yield to Necron, and it ended like it was scripted- one last ditch effort from a Trance Zidane with Hp in the red. I was determined to go down swinging, and that last swing took him out. I took another breath and put the controller back down, I didn’t give a damn if there was some kind of Neo-Necron, I’d run a gauntlet, as far as I was concerned. I was unbeatable, I was unstoppable, I would take out anything that got in my way. Everybody has a story like that, and it becomes a part of our own bit of legend, because let’s be honest, we love to brag. This was my last second save, and for all the other similar stories out there amongst us, I salute you and your moment of invincibility. Holy $#!^.



#3- Beware, I live! (Sinistar)

Whether it was in the arcade, in one of the dozens of arcade game collections, or at the home of somebody who’d actually bought the cabinet, thousands of nightmares have been inspired by those three simple words. Sinistar just looks like something that would give movie monsters a run for their money, but add to that the fact that he taunts you, gives some pretty good advice (yeah, “Run! Run!” wasn’t a bad idea), and roars in a fashion that sends chills down your spine, the moment you hear that this thing is loose is a moment that always calls for a very heartfelt “holy $#!^”. No matter how many times I play it, no matter how close I come to killing this thing, every time I hear that gravely echo across the emptiness of space, I know I’m out of luck and that no matter how far or fast I speed away, Sinistar is fast, evil, and hungry…and he’s coming for me.



#2- Where did that come from!!! (Jurassic Park- Genesis edition)

La da dee, let me just jump this gap here. Okay now up this ladder. And now gonna jump this g-HOLY $#!^ A T-REX JUST BROKE THROUGH THE WALL!! I was six, I had nightmares for a month dammit. Before I was old enough to put “jump” scares in their place, this was one of the most terrifying experiences I’d ever had. Okay, so now I’m headed over these crates, just killed that compy, down the boxes and HOLY $#!^ THERE HE IS AGAIN!! Okay, take a breath, take it easy, we’re okay. Let’s get on this little motorboat and get the hell out of here. Crap, wall, okay, jump off, let’s get in this other bo-HOLY $#!^ HE’S BACK!! Okay, wait, now I get it, he’s gonna show up every couple of levels. Now I’m okay, he’s got a pattern, I’ve got him figured out. Let’s take this motorboat past him now. Off one edge, turn around, off another, cruise by the waterfall, down another ledge, turn around ag-HOLY $#!^ HE’S HERE TWICE!! Yeah, now I’m panicked. He could be anywhere, anytime, I’ll never see it coming, I’ll never know when I might next be Rex chow until it’s almost too late, or after it’s too late. Of course looking back, he did have a set pattern, but at the time, yeah, big time “holy $#!^”.



#1- Whoa…Ho. Ly. $#!^. (Shadow of the Colossus)

Okay, so I just have to climb this tower and…Oh. Ho-ly $#!^. Definitely awe-inspired, and definitely deserved, Malus left me speechless, save for two words. Getting over for a second that he’s the final and most powerful of the colossi, just the absolute size, man, the sheer monolithic appearance is enough to cause a slight panic. Okay, these things can’t get any bigger than Phalanx, right?? Technically true, but that was a flying sky serpent, you expect them to be huge. Malus was a mountain. A literal, honest-to-God mountain that you had to bring down. When you stood next to this thing you felt like you were looking up at the top of the world, and you, with nothing but a sword and a strong grip, had to bring it crashing to the ground. Unbelievable, unreal, but beautifully executed and just sheer perfection. But still to this day, every time I think about that last Colossus, all that I can think is holy $#!^.

Question of the day: An obvious one, what’s your biggest holy $#!^ moment?