Despite being a grown-ass woman, I still have a not-so-secret passion for cutesy things. Perhaps being raised on Sailor Moon and Fun Dip has caused saccharine sweetness to run through my veins. (That sounds like the origin story of the lamest supervillain ever. AFTER I DRESS UP MY CAT IN CUTE OUTIFTS I'M OUT FOR YOUR BLOOD, SPIDERMAN!) That being said, it should come as no surprise that I love Valentine's Day. Like, LOVE it love it. So much that I would, in fact, marry it.

I know that many of you out there don't share that sentiment. I contend that the reason you don't feel the same way is because you have been unable to find the perfect Valentine's Day gift and thus feel hopelessly insecure about your virility and sexual prowess. Well, no fear, my friends. Because I have come up with the BEST VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT GUIDE OF ALL TIME.

I'm not talking about the prepackaged Valentine's grossness that retailers thrust in our faces year after year. I'm talking awesome, adorable, geeky gifts that will have your significant other ripping your clothes off faster than a Rancor ripping into a Twi'lek dancing girl.



So, here it is. Shop with confidence knowing that I used my discriminating taste to ensure that each item on this list is full of WIN.

* Pretty much nothing is more standard a Valentine's gift than jewelry. (Well, at least as long as you disregard candy and flowers.) So why not get them some awesome game jewelry?! I'm sure that it won't get them made fun of or anything...


From L-R, clockwise: tianarutledge, spugmeistress, TheClayCollection (both sets of cufflinks), countryjedi, spugmeistress again.


* Maybe you should give them something to cuddle on those long, cold nights without you, so they don't turn to another human being instead. Keep them out of the arms of their tennis instructor with these adorable plushes!


L-R: t0fugurl, amyjoshandmade, callykarishokka, mpoust7, randomhouse, and t0fugurl again.


* Perhaps you'd like to tactfully suggest that your loved one should stay in the kitchen instead of voicing her opinion or worse, showing herself when company's over. Lovingly guide her to where she belongs with these awesome kitchen-y goods:


All kitchen-y goodness by PoppysGardenGate.


* I couldn't resist the lure of these cell phone charms, so they get their own section. They would of course be adorable on a cell phone, but there's also a spot on the Nintendo DS to hang these, so you can go EXTRA geeky!


All charms by iKtizo. Awww!


* Maybe your loved one has narcolepsy. Or perhaps you don't have a loved one, and spend your nights crying yourself to sleep. Well, what better object to smother in your tears than AN AWESOME PILLOW?!


L-R clockwise: Bellapoms, r4pwnz31, raindrops23, Bellapoms again, getyourgameon, PoppysGardenGate, LiyoLabs, raindrops23 again.


* These things were all pretty much random, so they all got grouped together on my own geeky Island of Misfit Toys. (In case you can't tell what these are, I will tell you (L-R clockwise): An iPod/iPhone case, controller ornaments/mobile, 500gb external hard drive (HOW SWEET IS THAT?!), vegan chocolates, Pokemon flash drive (!!!), and Tetis wine glass markers.)


L-R clockwise: yummypocket, useyourdigits, 8BitMemory, chocoagogo, 8BitMemory again, countryjedi.


* Lastly, regardless of whether or not you get them any other gift, you HAVE to at least get your S.O. a card. So get them one of these instead of some insipid Hallmark Precious Moments shit.


L-R clockwise: tracychong, martinivixen, RADROBOT, LandMdesignworks, candyspotting, ArgyleWhale.


Welp, that's about it. I leave you with this touching Valentine's Day message: