Beat Hazard, The Sims, and why I can't write.

So you probably noticed I haven’t posted lately. (Yeah right, like anyone but my mom notices. Fickle bitches.)

It’s not really for lack of wanting; I love this site, I love you people, I love games, I love waffles, I love writing. And yet every time I go to write a new blog post, I end up quitting within minutes like some kind of quitting quitter. Seriously guys, what is it? Why can’t I put my fingers to keys and write shit down?!

I do have some ideas why. First of all, I’m playing hardly any games. Seriously. For someone and who played a Mass Effect 2 marathon for 12 hours easy and whose Oblivion save file is over 150 HOURS OF HONEST-TO-GOD REAL-LIFE TIME, this is a major occurrence (or non-occurrence, as the case may be). Is it because I’ve suddenly gained a social life, or a fantastic new job? Let me tell you: HELL NO IT ISN’T. It’s really not by choice; I just haven’t been in a position to really game recently, and it’s tearing me apart inside. :’(

The only game I’ve really played recently is Beat Hazard. I’m not a PC gamer but the lure of being able to easily access my Mp3 library was too much awesome to pass up. And, I discovered that I straight-up suck at it. Like, really suck. Meanwhile, all of my other Destructoid buddies are friggin’ champs! Guncannon, for example, is like Rain Man or something (erm, not to imply that he’s a savant. OR IS HE?!) with scores in the millions. Me, on the other hand? I still play on Easy…aka PUSSY MODE.


This image will melt the eyes right out of your skull.

Playing a PC game for the first time in forever has brought back memories of the only PC game I ever truly loved: The Sims. I had so many downloaded objects for the original Sims (I never got into the later editions) that it took like an hour to load the game, and I spent hours making really elaborate houses and characters. And I’m not alone; I was talking to Kraid yesterday and he, too, had a Sims addiction. I’m sure lots of you have similar stories. I mean, what’s not to like?! You can build your own house and decorate and put your Sims in a tiny room with only an oven and and replace the door with a wall and watch them cry and try to make food and set themselves on fire and be unable to escape and burn to death! (OK, maybe the last part only applied to me.)

But yeah; I loved The Sims. I especially loved making characters (The Addams Family! Greek gods! The crew of the Enterprise!). The Sims Deluxe version even let you paste your own face onto a 3D head, looking actually kind of creepy and like this:


ARARAAAAAA!!111 But, if you would like to buy one, head to this etsy shop. :) :) :)

I remember making Sims of me and my best friend, Brynn, so we could be roommates and do cool best friend Sims stuff all the time. Of course, the creepy avatar version couldn’t do justice to her hawt beauty and awesomeness (she’s a fabulous tattoo artist by the way; if you’re ever in the Portland, OR area hit her up at www.ladylucktattoo.net </plug>), but let me tell you, that sure didn’t stop my avatar from GETTING IT ON WITH HER AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY. Seriously, I would try to get them to interact on a friendly level by watching TV or something, leave the computer to make a sandwich, and come back and there were little hearts everywhere and they would be cooing nonsense Sim-words back and forth. REAL CUTE. I could almost write it off as an amusing anecdote, but YOU try explaining to your real-life friends how your virtual selves can’t stop groping each other and let me know how that works out for you. And you wonder why I have no friends.


She's so prettyOGODWHATHAVEIDONE

Wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I can’t write. So, help me, will you? Give me some inspiration. A game suggestion, an amazing image, an envelope full of well-concealed cash in my mailbox, whatever. Otherwise, I’ll have to start doing something else to get my attention fix, like post only adorable animal videos. DON'T MAKE ME BUST OUT THE ADORABLE ANIMAL VIDEOS. So help a sister out, would you?