Oh Sony, I love you. I used to be able to count the ways with my vast superiority and shit.

But let me be frank.



Frank: Here's the deal, bitches. You are fayling to live up to your potential. I am still not upset that I spent $600 for a launch day PS3. It is a gem of potential. But allow me to illustrate the things you've done to rile me:

1. Threespeech podcast.



What most people don't know, and that I didn't tell anyone, was that threespeech actually contacted me about a proposal for a podcast. I turned it in. I have the email documentation to prove all this, of course. I heard nothing back, but one of the core things I expressed was that Sony needed to drop the PR bullshit and shoot from the hip; be honest about things instead of trying to insult our intelligence. I heard nothing back from them, and then the threespeech podcast came out. Guess what? They did exactly what I expressed they shouldn't. And what's worse is Sony has a say in it. Threespeech podcast is shite. On a stick. It's not even cool enough to qualify for cocks.

2. Non-utilization of media catalog. (Catalogue for those of you across the pond.)



Sony has the entire MGM library, it's own music catalog, a movie studio and more. Why in all that is good and/or holy do we not have anything besides Fn movie trailers on the online service? I mean seriously, an Apple iTunes-model-based service should be up and running. It's been almost a year. I mean seriously, a goddamn year.

3. Non-utilization of their own gaming library.



Non-utilization, by the way (for Jack), means they aren't using it. And the 'it' I am now referring to is the horde of PS1 games they have available and could be releasing weekly. What we get are C and D tier titles that come out once in a coon's age (thanks Koch). We should have a friggin title a week or more, and if you have to pay more for licensing so the F what!?! The point is I'd rather have it available and expensive than a derth (that means a draught of fayle, Jack) of titles.

Hell Microsoft has proven that expensive and available wins every time. Look at the cost of the muthafuckin hard drive. 'Nuff said.

4. Helping Devs build better software.



You know what? Developers are goddamn stupid. Want to know how I know? Watch what they say. 'The PS3 is hard.' 'Xbox is easier.' Developers: Shut the hell up. That's a great way to curry support from the system developers, and make yourselves look like assholes.

It's worked. But I get it. They're saying this stuff because they aren't getting any help from Sony. But what KILLS me? This scenario is already played out for the last ten years. It's called Nintendo third party support. What kills me is how much negative attention Sony gets for doing it. But I concede, it's Sony's fault.

Developers should keep quiet, their heads down and making games, and get me a beer from the kitchen. No you can't have a driver's license, and I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna let you vote.

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah. Developers should stick to what they do best; make games. Sony should support them as best they can.

5. Consolidate Marketing Strategy.



When the pres of SqueEnix tells you to get your shit together, that's a bad sign.
It is a video game system and blue ray console. What's so hard about that? Those are the two reasons I bought the damn thing. Yeah it CAN do a bunch of other crap. That's great. Slap it on the box. Don't try and sell it as something else. I mean, seriously, I think that Karraker and the other head honchos of Sony have NO IDEA what it's like to be a consumer anymore. They have fully lost touch with reality.

They think we will be fed whatever they give us and like it. We won't. Stop insulting us. Get PR people willing to *gasp* tell the truth and deal with us like adults.

6. Secure Exclusive Titles.



Yes, it means you have to spend money. But I'm totally serial here, if you let MGS4 and FFXIII go to Xbox360, then I will truly feel as tho I had no reason to buy a PS3. There are extra popping additions to that formula, like White Knight Story and Little Big Planet that may help me feel better about my purchase, but THAT is why I bought a system, for those two titles. If I can get that somewhere else, why shouldn't I? (My non-love for the devil (Bill Gates, Jack) aside)

7. Actions speak louder than words.



Don't say something is going to be great, show us. One of the reasons I loved the PS1 was because there was no hype machine. You looked at the 64 vs the PS1 and the plethora (that's alot of something, Jack) great games made it a no-brainer. (I bought both, btw) You have turned yourself into a hype machine, and then can't admit when something doesn't work. *coughLAIRcough*

I want ANYONE from Sony, to look me in the eye and tell me exactly how the 'How to Review Lair' guide *wouldn't* engender ill will? And if they do it, I will stab them in the head immediately with shears. Not scissors, Jack; shears. They're bigger. And they hurt more.

Sony, you have a fantastic machine. I love the hardware. Bluetooth, swappable HD, wireless controllers/peripherals, USB standard device support, gigabit ethernet, wireless ethernet, awesome user interface are all STANDARD features. That's fucking brilliant.

Your actions aren't. It's been a YEAR and we still don't have XMB in game. We still don't have a way to invite friends to join any game we're in.

One of the main arguments I've seen has always been: 360 had a year on us, we're catching up.

Well come October, it will have been a year, Sony. I want my pudding with the proof in it.

The whole point of this article is that I still see the gem that the PS3 is. Yes, it needs more games. But the hardware is so there. The developers need more time, and that's fine. Just Sony, be the powerful juggernaut that you are and put your weight behind what this console is: a gaming system. And a damn good one at that.

In summation, baby; if you just put out like I ask, I won't have to beat you.



That is all.