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Hi, there. Welcome to this den of iniquity, this cesspool of perversity, this hive of scum and...

...er, maybe not. Anyway, my name is Scott, age 24, and I am doomed to wander the earth in pursuit of my favorite interests: academic theory and video games. I don't take either one too seriously, though, so I enjoy pitting them against each other to fight for my favor. I've been playing video games since I was wee lad; my first console was a dusty Intellivision that my parents unearthed from the cellar. My favorite genres are RPG, sports (NHL in particular), adventure, puzzle, strategy, and some FPS.


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Umbrella Corporation Folds! Economy Worsens with No Relief in Sight
archimedes17 | 6:25 PM on 02.22.2009 17 comments


Last month’s economic indicators revealed that demand for industrial and commercial products will not be reviving any time soon. Market analysts have predicted that many companies will likely succumb to debt in the first quarter of 2009 as large bonds come due. It was no surprise, then, when Umbrella Corporation announced yesterday that it would enter Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Umbrella leveraged its assets hard in the mid-nineties when it acquired several chemical and biotech companies in North American and Europe. It was poised to become the dominant biotech company in the world before the virus scandal in Raccoon City, USA sent its stocks through the floor. In the aftermath, Umbrella refocused its efforts on consumer products, but it could not remove the stigma attached to its name. The company limped along by selling capital and borrowing heavily until last week, when its largest debts matured. Creditors assessed the viability of Umbrella and deemed that “the likelihood of sufficient investment recapture is too low to recommend keeping the company solvent.” A written statement by Albert Wesker, Umbrella’s vice-president of public relations, conveyed the corporation’s disappointment that it could not gain the public’s trust. “We have consistently dedicated ourselves to serving the best interests of humanity. Mistakes were made, and we acknowledged and corrected them. Under better economic circumstances, we would press more vigorously remain solvent. However, our best option now is to liquidate and then resurrect ourselves at an indeterminate point in the future.”



The fall of Umbrella Corporation comes on the heels of a massive bailout package that was given to rival company Abstergo Industries. Abstergo competed with Umbrella in key markets and suffered a similar drop in contracts from reduced consumer spending. Abstergo benefited from a more diversified portfolio, with products ranging from cosmetics and baby products to airline parts and munitions. Last fall, Abstergo CEO Mark Farrier came before Congress and requested government money to keep the company afloat. Not doing so, Farrier warned, “could send ripples throughout the world’s economies. Those ripples would compound the current crisis and threaten the possibility of every developed nation’s recovery.” Lawmakers protested at first, citing that the Troubled Assets Relief Program was designed to prop up the financial sector. Farrier successfully lobbied for an exemption for Abstergo by demonstrating that the company’s fate is intertwined with the world’s economy. Umbrella Corporation sought a similar exemption, but Congress refused. Senator Dominic Greene (D-NY) scoffed, “If we grant Umbrella an exemption, we might as well offer one to Enron while we’re at it. The American government is not in the business of raising businesses from the dead.”

There is no definite word yet about how Umbrella’s collapse will impact the economy at large. Some analysts have suggested that the company’s overall significance is too low to affect things much. “Ten years ago, this would have crippled the biotech market,” says Karen Haversham of Citigroup. “But ever since the Raccoon City incident, other companies have risen to take over Umbrella’s market share. We won’t miss what little competition Umbrella Corporation had to offer.” Others, including CDC researcher Warren Nolin, believe that the company’s financial troubles will create unforeseen problems elsewhere. “Umbrella is still under investigation for possible links to biological weapon development and distribution. If they are liquidated, we’ll have an even harder time tracking their assets and personnel. Any dangerous materials they may possess could easily find their way into the hands of countless foreign entities or terrorist organizations unaccounted for. We are urging the Attorney General to freeze any legal motions until investigators can adequately inventory Umbrella’s holdings.”



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16 comments | showing # 1 to 16
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nukka jdav's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 19:11
nukka jdav
Is this canon?
Puppy Licks's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 19:19
Puppy Licks
Umbrella is dead, they were bought out by Shadaloo.
pedrovay2003's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 19:28
pedrovay2003
@Puppy Licks

Yeah, but wasn't Shadaloo bought out by Team Rocket?
MrSadistic's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 19:34
MrSadistic
You're going about the wrong way to look cool.
Rogue Trooper's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 19:44
Rogue Trooper
I was smiling the whole time while reading this, good job.
archimedes17's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 20:01
archimedes17
I prolly should have set this post up better, but I stand by it. The idea amuses me, but it isn't everyone's cup o' noodles.
power-glove's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 20:11
power-glove
I enjoyed it. Good job.
Abagnale's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 20:27
Abagnale
I find this business report to be shallow and pedantic.
F Whipple's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 20:37
F Whipple
I chuckled, good job
SilverDragon1979's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/22/2009 21:39
SilverDragon1979
LOL, this is fucking great. Unfortunately I think it will be lost on a lot of people.
Velt's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/23/2009 00:05
Velt
ñaca ñaca
Wexx's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/23/2009 00:30
Wexx
Haha, cool. I saw the title and thought to myself "What the fuck?". But now it - sort of - makes sense. Great post :)
Qalamari's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/23/2009 04:35
Qalamari
That was excellent. The multiple references to life after death were a nice touch.
s0lesurviv0r's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/23/2009 13:04
s0lesurviv0r
Got an investor for ya.
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