In part 2 of 2 of my satirical take on how the media and other institutions are capitalizing on the recession, I look past the corporate logos and political posturing to capture the working person's plight. If my last faux-journalistic post was not to your liking, you'll probably want to move along.

Soldier #3571842 had a promising career in an upwardly-mobile sector of the US Government. He secured a plum job protecting some of the most secure locations in America; their notoriety as impregnable bastions virtually assured that he would never see actual combat. At worst, he would be placed on latrine duty for sleeping on the job—which he did a lot. “It was hard, y’know, staying awake on patrol, with nothing happening,” said #3571842. “But it was steady work that was secure.” Or so he thought. Now, in the midst of the deepest American recession since the 1930s, massive cuts to governmental budgets means that even those sectors once deemed “recession-proof” must terminate positions to stay in the black. During the Cold War, covert operations and secret agencies flourished. Their directors easily justified their expenses with the threat of Communist subversion at home and abroad. But the dissolution of the Soviet Union, the fracturing of military threats, and the creation of Homeland Security have diminished the importance of shadow organizations. Politicians find it harder and harder to support expensive, long-term investments in “super weapons,” genetic soldiers, and mythical artifacts. Low-level workers like #3571842 often bear the brunt of financial hardships to keep priority projects on track. “I understand why they cut me,” #3571842 says, “but what else can I do? It’s not like I can take my resume down to the nearest Home Depot. I mean, I was made to be a soldier. That doesn’t help me get work outside the black ops industry.”



#3571842 considers himself fortunate that he is still young. “Even with the genetic decay that comes with being a clone, I still have time to build my retirement fund. I feel sorry for those older guys who are getting put out to pasture.” As an alternative to firing workers, agencies are urging (or forcing) older workers to retire early. One such agent we spoke with, who called himself “Splinter Cell,” spoke angrily about his treatment: “I put my life on the line countless times for my country, knowing that I would never be recognized for my efforts. I expected to be taken care of by my government, and now that we’re strapped for cash, I’m on the chopping block. Sure, I got a nice pension, but my 401k lost 65% this last year.” Things are bad, he states, but others are even worse off. “One of my friends, Snake, works in a similar field in a different country, and he’s at an age where he can’t afford to lose his income. He has to take a certain amount of money out of his retirement accounts each year. With the markets so low, he’s losing fifty, sixty percent of the money he put towards retirement.” Older civil servants who work in the shadows often miss out on the health care benefits that they need to deal with expensive health complications.

We spoke with one professional who has an excellent perspective on how the economic situation deteriorated so rapidly. Agent 47, famed assassin, said that he saw the breakdown coming based on a lack of business last year. “My clientele come from the upper tax brackets. They demand quality work and expect to pay top Euro. When economies falter, consumers pull back on spending in favor of paying down debt and increasing personal savings. Luxury items, like contract killings, are the first things cut.” Professionals like 47 aren’t completely out of business. However, the drop in revenue forces them to reduce overhead costs that ballooned during better years. “I can count on a certain level of steady business, but it’s nowhere near the boom years of the late nineties. As a result of the decreased work, I spend less on munitions, travel, and accommodations that other people depend on to fuel their local markets. It’s a vicious cycle that erodes everything it touches, which is most of the world now thanks to globalized economics.”

#3571842 has a lot more time on his hands these days. He sleeps in past noon, wakes up, and flips through the classified ads as he drinks a cup of weak coffee. “The stuff is expensive, so I make it last by using half the recommended amount,” he says. He usually finds two or three jobs he considers himself qualified for. After circling them, he closes the newspaper with a sigh and sits down to watch television. “I’m hoping that something works out soon. I have this dream that some tyrannical warlord or Third World mercenary army calls me back. One of these days, people will need clone soldiers again. I just hope I can afford to wait ‘til then.”