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acidtechnologic avatar 1:46 PM on 05.17.2013  (server time)
Drunk List: What I (and you) want from Nintendo Direct 5/17 *UPDATE*.

**This is a re-post of a blog I wrote last night, in a drunken fit of heightened hopes.  Now, hours after, the reality of this Nintendo direct was like the terrible hangover of my drunken expectations. Now I'm updating with verdicts! I hope you enjoy**

Destructoid friends!  I'm sitting here in front of my computer, drinking a rum and ginger ale, slightly persperating in my gross apartment, and I'm unable to shower because my hot water isn't working.  I stew in my existential sweat, sipping my drink and rewatching Breaking Bad from season 1 in preparation for the finale.  Wait, what was I blogging aboOH YEAH NEW NINTENDO DIRECT TOMORROW FUCK YES here's a list of stuff because I'm bored and I hope you're just as bored as I am so you read this or something:

STEP 1: a summer's worth of Virtual Console Announcements

-_-obligatory picture of earthbound-_-

Hey Nintendo....I own a Super Mario game for each of my testicles. Instead of the mustachioed plumber dripfeed (no homo){a little homo},let's turn both the cold and hot knobs all the way open.  I want Super Castlevania, some Final Fantasy's (Final fantasies*?), some Megaman X's, Contras, Ghouls and Ghosts, Dragon Quests, hell, how about just hit that giant red button under Reggie's desk and magically convert all of what's already on the Wii Virtual Console to the Wii U Virtual Console.  I know it's there.

Verdict: All Virtual Console announcements for the 3DS. Nothing about the Wii U VC. 0 points

part 2- the Wrath of Khan: Pikmin 3 demo announcement to come out the next eShop update

Nintendo, throw us a bone.  All of us assholes who bought your system were under the impression that Pikmin 3 was coming out sooner than August 4th.  Give us a demo; you know, the one you played for us at e3 last year.  

Verdict: update on what the story is about, another confirmation of release date. However, there was that Best Buy thing. So...half a point

3's company: Wonderful 101 release date that is sooner than I expected and makes me jubilant in the pants area
You know another reason I bought a Wii U so early? It's because I assumed Wonderful 101 would be in the damn system by now.  I love Platinum Games, I loved Platinum Games when they were called Clover Studio and lived in Capcom's basement.  LET ME BUY THIS GOD DAMN GAME BEFORE IT GETS TOO HOT IN MY APARTMENT TO PLAY VIDEOGAMES FOR LONGER THAN 10 MINUTES BEFORE HAVING TO SHOWER, PLEASE.

Verdict: It's coming out later than I expected, so it nets negative 1 points.  But then again, September should be cool enough, so at least it addresses the gross sweaty apartment problem.  It evens out to no points.
oh right and speaking of which:

Lethal Weapon 4: Bayonetta 2 release date
How do you copy paste without right clicking again? You hold down the control key and press...something. anyway. 

Verdict: Nintendo forgot it exists. no point.

5 below: super sexy sneakpeak 80's montage of what we're going to see at e3

This is SO easy.  SO VERY easy.  But then again, last E3 Nintendo closed with a "fireworks display" from Nintendoland.  Let's hope this is the year Nintendo does the Wii U right.  Also, side note: spell check knows that "Nintendo" is a proper noun, and should be capitalized.  I guess they're not doomed after all.

Verdict: They did mention E3, but no video. no point.

666: Reggie's delicious hershey kiss nipples

Can something be Freudian AND intentional? hmm... 

Verdict: no titillation, no point.

AND LUCKY 7: super special 3DS announcement that Zelda: LTTP2 is coming out in June!

I'd probably cream my pants if this happened.  Fuck...I'm a fanboy.

Wait, I creamed my pants anyway. CHEERS EVERYONE! Also this is the best thing I've ever written.

Verdict: this was possible extra credit. Didn't actually expect it to happen.

**TALLY** Nintendo didn't even earn a full point out of the possible 6 (7 if you include the bonus). So .5/'s definitely worse than almost every other Nintendo Direct. Let's hope E3 will be awesome.

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