Salutations, Destructoid! Ace of knaves, at your service. I've been a member of this place since around June of 2008, and I never cease loving all the Dtoid community has to offer.
If you'd like to know the mildly interesting tale of my gaming history, well, when I was a young boy I wasn't that focused on video games. I dabbled in PC games and handhelds, like most kids do, but I was too intimidated to plunge all the way in. As far as I could tell I didn't have much of a knack for gaming, and I was perfectly content to watch others play while remaining strictly an observer. Besides, I was perfectly happy with books, TV, and movies, so I figured really, what was I missing? I found out one magical day when I went over to the house of an older neighbor. He wanted to play Super Smash Brothers, and while I preferred to just watch him from the couch he insisted that I join in. Over the next few hours I discovered an amazing truth: video games are really fun. From that day forward gaming became a much bigger part of my life, and over the years I absorbed the culture and the history while trying to play as much as I could.
As for my tastes, Sports games are pretty much the only genre I'll write off completely, but besides that I'm not too fond of racing games that adhere to realism and there are very few RPGs I like that don't have Mario in them. Otherwise I'm pretty much willing to give anything a chance, as long as it's good and, unless it's a fighting game, I prefer more of a focus on single player. In this generation I own a DS, a Wii, and a PS3, and I love them very much.
When it comes to this place, well, after being linked to Destructoid a few times I realized how great this site was, then after a few months of lurking realized how great I could be by joining the community, so here I am. I'm mostly found commenting on the front page and the cblogs, and I'll do a blog of my own here and there, but probably not as often as I should. From February to August of '09 I was involuntary absent from the site, and I hope nothing like that happens again. This is one of the best communities out there, gaming or otherwise, and if you're reading this you're already awesome.
I don't have to put a spoiler warning here do I? Surely you read the title of this post? Ugh, fine: SPOILERS FOR ARKHAM ASYLUM. Lots of 'em. Also, fair warning, this is going to be a whiny fanboy rant about an otherwise great game.
Still here? Okay.
Arkham Asylum, how perfect you were. You really had me going there. For the entire game I felt like the Goddamn Batman, and I was loving it. Gameplay and story wise you got so very much right. And then what did you do? Ruined it in the last fifteen minutes. Way to go.
Okay so the story in this game is not exactly inspired, it's merely a great setup for the best Batman game of all time, which this unquestionably is. Joker's taken over Arkham, select members of Batman's rogues gallery are on the loose, go fix it. Wonderful. The deeper thread running throughout the game is the Titan formula, basically a modified version of the Venom drug what makes Bane go all big-like, which we eventually discover the Joker plans to use to make himself an army of mutant freaks/pollute the Gotham water supply, and since the latter part of that plan wasn't original in Batman Begins, it sure as hell isn't here, but whatever. I have no problem with a relatively simple story as the backdrop for a fantastic game liberally peppered with moments of inspired greatness, of which there are plenty.
Now there are actually a surprisingly slim number of traditional boss battles to be found in Arkham Asylum, which is fine, because they're not that good. They mostly rely on waiting for a weak point to be exposed and fighting off a bunch of minor goons at the same time, which is about as uncreative as you could get. The nontraditional enemy encounters, on the other hand, fare much better. While your time in Killer Croc's layer perhaps lasts a bit too long, it's extremely suspenseful, and Scarecrow absolutely steals this game in his sparingly dispersed amazingly brilliant fear toxin trips.
So after playing through almost the entire game I reached a point where it was clear I was heading off to the final showdown, and I couldn't help but wonder which direction the fight with the Joker would take. On the one hand, he's far more than a mere physical threat, but on the other, he can hold his own in a fight. Now there was a possibility that dawned on me, a solution to this dilemma so stupid and obvious that I all but rejected it's chances of occurring. I mean, this game was written by Paul Dini for fuck's sake. That man knows his Batman, and there's no way he would end the game in that manner.
Well he did. He abso-fucking-lutely did. Maybe it wasn't him, maybe he was forced to, I don't care but it's someone's fault. *Sigh*, okay, so that Titan stuff I mentioned? The stuff that can turn people into giant hulking Bane-like monsters? Well, Joker tries to use it on Commissioner Gordon, but Batman takes the bullet for him. Batman resists the transformation with the power of his Bat-will, which upsets Joker, who shoots himself in the head with the Titan formula, transforming him into a big freaking Joker monster. Please understand that typing that sentence crushed part of my soul.
You can watch the ensuing battle, and subsequent anticlimactic ending here, complete with another helpful spoiler warning:
Now let's look at this first only from a gameplay perspective. That fight sucked. 85% of it consisted of beating up random thugs, which surely you haven't had enough of by this point, while Joker threw some bombs and turned his back not once, not twice, but thrice, allowing you to damage him. I could not imagine a more boring, cookie cutter boss fight.
But what about from a Batman fanboy's point of view? Would the Joker realistically turn himself into a giant monster? How the hell should I know?! He's the Joker, he can do whatever he damn well pleases. But did it benefit the story? Of course not! It's stupid. It's really really stupid. Batman without a doubt has the greatest rogues gallery in comics. They work very well together, and while they can be interpreted in many different ways, what you never mess with is the kind of threat they represent. A brilliant paraplegic could stop the Riddler. The world's bravest chemist could save Gotham from the Scarecrow. An asexual lumberjack with a flamethrower could take down Poison Ivy. Batman is a remarkably well-rounded hero, and each of his enemies require him to tap in to a different part of his skill set to stop them. Messing with that just seems fundamentally wrong.
Now I have absolutely no problem with doing something new. I think Lex Luthor's original motivation was that Superman made him bald, and if it was decided in the 60s that the Batman franchise was perfect just the way it was, today we'd all think of the Joker as Cesar Romero with white makeup painted over the mustache he refused to shave. But if you're going to change a character, do it for the better. Is there anyone, anywhere, who thinks the Joker would be a better adversary if he was more physically capable of going toe-to-toe with Batman? He's not the greatest villain of all time because Batman has to punch him extra hard (with explosive gel, apparently)! It's because he's the definitive physical embodiment of chaos, and no matter how hard you punch him, he doesn't give a shit, he's just going to keep doing whatever the hell he does. But somewhere along the line they decided that doing the character justice wasn't as important as providing an immensely disappointing final boss battle, and the Joker was turned into merely another thing that Batman had to fight.
And that green mohawk they give him is ridiculous.
And the rest of the ending! Could it have been maybe a little less immediate? And if Two-Face also happened to be on the loose, why would Batman spend extra time walking the Joker into Arkham in the first place? Okay, that is nitpicking.
Now don't get me wrong, this is a great game, it does more right than I would have expected, and it probably deserves that Guinness World Record that Eidos bought. I could have easily made this an equally passionate post entitled "Why the Scarecrow Sequences in Arkham Asylum are Really Freaking Brilliant." In fact, they're at least as good, if not better than the ending is terrible.
But I am so damn sick of this. I get that a satisfying ending is hard, but it's worth the effort. I mean Bioshock is pretty much universally beloved, and yet everyone hates the ending. Yet the conclusion here is so much worse, and instead of triumphantly striding across the finish line to claim the title of "Best Superhero Game of All Time," it fell over the line and broke it's teeth.
Which is a damn shame, because Arkham Asylum could have been a perfect Batman game, and at the last second, settled for merely being the best.
And compared to Morrison's Arkham Asylum it is shit. Now there's an ending that knows how to fuck with an established character the right way.
...Because they make this place look so damn good. In all seriousness, this site is amazing. So brilliantly, wonderfully amazing that mere hours after I rejoin the magnificent Dtoid ranks this thing starts up and I get to be a part of a new cblog day of craziness, the likes of which I haven't seen since January 3rd-4th, 2009, the Day of Hugs.
For those of you who weren't here for that, yes, it happened.
Now sure, I would have preferred this happen tomorrow, that way my reintroduction post wouldn't have its ass savagely kicked off the first page of blogs, but it's so damn worth it.
So yes, I love Destructoid, and it's because of all you beautiful people.
Is this happening? Am I here? Yes, I am! Oh the glory! Sorry for the confusion Destructoid, but oh God I've missed you so very much. Way back in February of this year my home internet inexplicably prevented me from accessing this glorious website, leaving me unable to interact with one of the greatest communities the internet has ever known, relegating my Dtoid exposure to podcasts and cached images of articles. It's been a sad six months.
But now I'm back! Just as inexplicably, I can now access this site normally and resume...yeah, okay, snide comments and relatively minimal community involvement. But that's all I want, and damn it feels good to look at links on this site and know I'm free to access them at my leisure. Yeah, sad six months.
And I knew this place looked different, but damn, so sleek. This will take a bit of acclimating. So, if you by any chance remember me from days of old, great to see you again, and if you've joined up since February, it's my pleasure to meet you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an absurd amount of catching up to do.
Also, if you'd like to direct me towards anything spectacularly amazing I've missed, such as anything rivaling a site event as phenomenal as the fallout of the above image, it would be greatly appreciated.
Well, this made my day. I was heading over to Gametrailers to check out the latest HAWP (which taught me the true meaning of Christmas...I think) when I spied a link to the forums with some guy freaking out and begging for help. In the holiday spirit, thinking maybe I could do some good, I decided to check it out and see if I could lend my expertise. I was not prepared for the brilliance of what I found there. So back to my normal, dickish self, I'm sharing it with all of you. Your reward for being awesome, Dtoid community:
These good folks (or perhaps just one folk) over at Soviet Delirus have chosen their dream cast for a live action Half-Life movie, and I must say, nearly every pick made my head explode with joy. Half-Life obviously should never become a movie, but this really makes the idea tempting.