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I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
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Dear Nintendo, 

By now you realize you're in my hands. 



With my purchase being the difference between failure and success, I think you'll find my list of demands to be very reasonable. 

Be warned: Failure to comply will result in a few yens less in your account. We all know you need it (I heard Tokyo is very expensive). 


Fire Reggie and put Reggie in. 
 
CEO's have to have balls.





Ditch the gimmick.

"People like tablets, let's put a tablet in our console" - that's you. See how you sound stupid? 

Ditch it. Lower the prices, bundle the classic controller with the console. Really want a second screen? Let us use a 3DS - make another accessory for it if needed (you guys really like accessories, right?). 

 
Stop with the Maude Flanders bullshit. 

"Binding of Isaac is too controversial, we might receive two letters with complaints". Hell, even Disney isn't this prude anymore. They even have gay characters!



 
Fuck. Region. Lock. 

Everyone with more than two brain cells knows: the only purpose of region lock is price discrimination. Do a universal price policy: I just want to pay you the fair price.       

Bottom line: Screwing your costumer is not good for business. 

While you are on it, make Club Nintendo available everywhere. 





Lower your prices. 

Honestly, you have incredible IP and, comparatively, treat it with lot of respect. But software isn't as valuable as it once was: today we have outstanding free, open source available. Anyone with a computer can make a great game, sometimes with little time and scarce resources. 

Bottom line is: your are competing for people's free time and available money. 
Do you see Steam proposing a better "mobile communication"?


Update your games. 

Because "classic" is not necessarily a compliment.




Stop procrastinating. 

And make an account system. Games that are not tied to hardware have greater value perception. I mean value perception, not price. In other words, that doesn't mean you can charge the same price retail charges. 

And no, you can't charge for online play, don't even ask.

 
Change the console name. 

I warned you it was a bad idea. Now you are confirming it publicly. 
Maybe it's time to listen to me again? 

Sincerely, 
Me.
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1 - Benny Disco > Chris Carter


 > 


Seriously, I did the math, but it's too big to fit in the margin. 

Benny would never give 6.5 to a Zelda game saying it has no heart. YOU'VE NO HEART CHRIS, HOW COULD YOU, I NAMED MY SON ZELDA AND NOW YOU'RE RUINING IT. ALSO, YOU RUINED X-FILES, YOU MANIAC.

2 - Benny Disco is Clickbait

JUST LOOK AT THIS:





3 - Benny Disco rates on a Scale:




No more shall Dtoid be restricted to the 1-10 scale. We'll start ranking every game in the appropriate scale. Zelda's will be rated in heart containers the reviewer got. Hotline Miami in people you actually killed and Bioshocks in how many times you injected "plasmids". (wink-wink)


4- Benny Disco is cheap:

He can review things without even touching them. His savings put the Gaben to shame.




5 - Benny Disco is in tune with the latest meme:

Wow. Such current. 






6- Benny can make homoerotic jokes:

Because Kirby "inside me" jokes are so mainstream.




7 - Benny Disco knows people:

I mean, just look at his curriculum: 




Also, thanksgiving cocks,


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aHolein1
7:59 AM on 04.07.2010

[Warning: OMG SPOILERS!]

This is the story of my most regrettable purchase ever. I didn't plan revisiting any of this, but I couldn't resist this month's theme. Actually, I shiver at the very thought of Fable 3. I honestly hope it goes well. I know that a lot of people love Fable. But count me out.

I had just bought my Xbox late 2008. It came with Lego Indy and another game that shall remain nameless. I purchased Bioshock, had one hell of a good time with it, and as my vacation drew near I began searching for follow ups.

Then I started to hear about this game. It's supposed to resemble Zelda, looks great, the price was reasonable, had great reviews. It's like a blind date: you ask if the girl is beautiful and the answer is “she's blonde with blue eyes”. Classical trap. Think of how many unattractive girls with blond hair and blue eyes you know. Serves you right for being shallow. Next time be aware that when someone does not answer the question you've asked it's because you wouldn't like the answer.

Note that I have never even heard about this game prior to release. There was no excessive hype or half filled promises for me, as it was for many of you. I also have never played the original Fable (and now I have no intention to do so). I just bought the game for a good time.

And because of the dog.



Yes, the dog sold me the game. I love animals, specially strays. Not to the point of buying Nintendogs, but enough to be a determinant factor for buying Fable 2.

The dog in the game is disappointing, clearly. Aside from barking now and then, tricks that get you laid and a few misplaced rubber balls, there's nothing much. I later came to realize that this characteristic is not particular to the dog. I found that the game itself is quite simplistic: the story, the combat system and the customization options like clothes, weapons and my many wives. The team went out of the way to counter this point. They posted pictures, complained that people didn't use the options well. If I were to agree with this (I don't) I would still blame it on them. See, game design and game features should complement each other. If you think there was great depth on this choices, why weren't they more deeply involved on the gameplay?

I'm not saying that I didn't have fun with Fable 2. I did. I even fell some discomfort saying this things, since I've played it many hours. And I probably wouldn't have if it wasn't somehow rewarding. Turns out I really like exploration, and there's a lot of fiddling about. I had a really good laugh organizing an orgy with port prostitutes, even tough it cost me some coins and I got to see nothing. But the key moment on my disenchantment was when I discovered I could get away with anything simply killing all the guards that came for me. Not using powerful magic or items (were there any?) but simply by pressing repeatedly the attack button. If you haven't tried the co-op, you can now think of why it isn't fun.



Decisions that baffled me don't stop there. The game gives you the option to be in a whole grey area between good and bad: there is however only a single path story. Hence, it's extremely simplistic and unoriginal. They could have compensated with remarkable characters, but they are very forgettable, what's in part due to the shortness of the story. I found the gambling on table games uninteresting and unnecessary. For your information, there is a specific achievement (if you are into that sort of thing) that is only obtainable if you buy the 10 dollar arcade game based on this table games. Classy.

To me, Fable 2 is a reminder of how less is more. If the team had concentrated on fewer aspects like the ones, you know, make a game fun, I would never be writing this. I keep thinking how Batman: AA is a game that succeeded on everything Fable 2 failed. A compelling story, a fun battle system that can become difficult and complex, just the gadgets you'd want to use and challenges to keep making you play it.

I realize we can't all be Batman.

But killing the dog?

Cheap shot, Lionhead. Cheap shot.
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