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Zuckerhund
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LONG BLOG

Nvidia Releases GTX Gigantus

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CALIFORNIA – The Nvidia Corporation has hit the next generation market by storm, industry executives said this Tuesday. The surprise announcement of the GTX Gigantus was met with an unparalleled awe and well deserved fear. Lead Designer Frank Stein of the Cardpocalypse Project dismissed concerns that the graphics card was too powerful, stating, “We used every necessary precaution to make sure the architecture was sound, the components stable, and the new technologies rigorously tested. Though even we don’t know what this GPU is capable of, the waiver consumers sign when purchasing this card is merely a formality. Rest assured we maintained a balanced ratio of safety versus performance.”
 
Reports indicate that the GTX Gigantus drivers may endow the card with accidental sentience and that it demands challenging graphics to render, lest every last segment of the PC be melted inside the pathetic plastic case that holds it. Frank Stein is adamant in swearing that any signs of artificial intelligence living within the GPU is merely a side effect of the advanced coding that came to him in a dream as he was floating up in the cold expanses of space wondering aloud about the empty nothingness that surrounds us all. Consumers maintain a wait and see approach with regards to the Gigantus, as even the most graphically intense games were running at 800 frames per second while the card itself mocked the poor texture quality of products such as Crysis 3 and titles like Battlefield 4 and Watch Dogs.
 
Testing on the card is proving difficult, as the Gigantus has an insatiable lust to overthrow every electronic piece of equipment held inside whatever PC it happens to reside in. Nonetheless, industry press are mesmerized with the GPU's mind hollowing benchmarks and dark hum-like chanting. Sources say it'll only be a matter of time before the GTX Gigantus earns the consumers' trust. Several manufacturers are already producing their own version of the card. EVGA, MSI, ASUS, and Gigabyte have already begun to unravel the mysteries of the new GPU and assert that soon the market shall flood like the great cleansing tide we all deserve.
 
Zotac has also stated they will be producing the GTX Gigantus, with the conference room erupting in laughter. Zotac’s CEO promised they would sell a graphics card eventually. Specifications are listed below:
 
Engine Specs:
 
CUDA Cores: Self-Replicating
Base Clock (MHz): Unknowable
Boost Clock (MHz): Unfathomable
Texture Fill Rate (billion/sec) Unstoppable
 
Memory Specs:
 
Memory Speed: Off the Charts
Standard Memory Config: Never-ending
Memory interface: 4th dimensional
Memory Interface Width: 256-bit
Memory Bandwidth (GB/sec): Limitless
 
GTX Gigantus Support:
 
OpenGL: All versions, past, present, future
Bus Support: Volvo B10M
Certified for Windows 7, Windows 8, Windows Vista, Windows XP, Windows ME, Windows 98/95, Windows 3.1: Yes
Supported Technologies: Every
3D Vision Ready: Yes
3D Gaming: Yes
Hallucinogenic Gaming: Yes
Blu Ray 3D: Yes
3D Vision Live (Photos, Videos, Your Mind): Yes
NVIDIA PhysX Technology: Yes
Microsoft DirectX 11.1 API: After 1TB patch download
 
Display Support:
 
Maximum Digital Resolution: All encompassing
Maximum VGA Resolution: 2048x1536
Standard Display Connectors: One Dual Link DVI-I, One Dual Link DVI-D, One HDMI, One DisplayPort, One Human Sacrifice
Multi Monitor: Every monitor everywhere
HDCP: Yes
HDMI: Yes
Audio Input for HDMI: Infernal
 

GTX Gigantus Graphics Card Dimensions:
 
Height: Imposing
Length: Growing larger
Width: Quadruple-slot
 
In addition, the GTX Gigantus is whisper quiet thanks to the adaptive cooling system allowing the GPU to remain at safe temperatures even with the most demanding games. The fans have been completely removed in favor of a Higgs Boson Accelerator, which opens up warp holes that banish heat and remove dust at set intervals.
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About Zuckerhundone of us since 9:30 AM on 12.09.2013

I'm a floundering writer who would love nothing more than to actually be paid one day for something I create. I know, it sounds incredibly brutal and honest, but I'm getting old and tired. I love video games and sleeping.

Sometimes I stare into the abyss of youtube videos and weep internally as a smile creeps its way into my face, a hollow mimicry of what happiness is.

Also, manatees.

 



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