I really can’t say with 100% certainty what my first game was, though like the good Reverend and many others I had much fun early on stomping goombas and zapping ducks with the Super Mario Bros/Duck Hunt combo cartridge. It may have been my first experience with video games, it may not, I honestly can’t remember where I started. I can’t even remember when we got our NES, though I do remember there being a time before owning one, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. The start of the affair, eh? It was hard to pinpoint it at first, but whenever I think of my earlier days of gaming there’s one memory that always sticks out, and is as vivid today as it was when it happened; the Christmas my brother and I got StarTropics and Shadowgate. There’s no doubt that those two games enforced my love of the hobby, each in their own way.

So no, the Christmas 19XX in this c-blog’s title isn’t a game, I just can’t recall the exact year I'm referring to, but that particular Christmas morning my brother Dave and I each received a video game, he StarTropics, me Shadowgate. The whole experience of tearing the gifts open and seeing those boxes is burned into my mind. That demonic gargoyle breaking free from his stone skin, and the tropical island scene against the setting (rising?) sun, I’ll always remember first seeing those covers. Getting two brand new video games was the greatest thing ever at the time. We weren’t dirt poor or anything, there was money to buy an NES for crying out loud, but there wasn’t a whole mess of extra money either, y’know? So we owned an NES and a few games, but mostly we either rented from the video store in the local grocery store, or got used cartridges from the thrift store.





Needless to say, I didn’t play a lot of the “classics” when they first came around. I watched someone play the beginning of the original Zelda at a friend of the family’s house once, and it bored me to death. I was just used to platformers and shooters, of course actually playing the game might’ve helped too. Anyways, StarTropics was my first experience with that style of adventure gameplay, and the whole game felt so epic as a result. Traveling from island to island, talking to villagers, exploring dungeons, collecting items and figuring out how to beat the puzzles and bosses… It was all so great to me, and still is. The music sticks with me to this day as well, and I‘ll be honest when I say that I‘m not a game music buff at all but I have multiple StarTropics tracks on my iPod. I spent a lot of time with StarTropics and loving every minute of it, killing things with my island yo-yo and getting immersed in the adventure. Then I got to the point where you needed to input a certain code into your sub. Damn…

Nowadays most people know about the letter included in the box with the game. The letter had to be submerged in water to reveal a code that needed to be input into your sub in order to progress after a certain point in the game. Well, us being little kids, my brother tore into his new video game and promptly lost all of the paperwork that came with it. Nobody else we knew owned the game, and there was no searching the internet for help back then, so we were pretty much screwed. By the time I got that far in the game the letter was long gone. I spent weeks randomly typing numbers into the Sub-C, desperately hoping that I’d stumble upon a way to continue my adventure through sheer dumb luck. Unfortunately luck was apparently too smart for me and I was never able to get it figured out. I was sad, I was mad, and I eventually gave up. A while later we actually ended up selling the game at a yard sale put on by my Scout Troop, and the guy who bought it came back an hour or so later complaining that he’d gotten to a part where he needed a code, and wanted to know what it was. He was obviously a lying bastard, as there’s no way he got that far in an hour, he’d just used one of our saves. So I didn’t feel so bad anymore about selling him a game he could only feasibly partially beat, and I pretty much just told him a variation of “Sucks to be you”…





Then there was Shadowgate, the one of the two that was actually mine, which I ended up liking less but still loving. Like I said earlier, I was used to just platformers and shooters as far as NES games go, so this was another brand new experience for me. I’d never even seen a game like before getting it that day. Just figuring out how to get into the castle felt like a giant accomplishment to me, let alone fumbling my way throughout the rest of the game. Death came to me often, but even when I had no clue what I was doing, which was also often, I was still having a blast trekking through this insane castle. There were sharks in a lake inside the freaking castle, how awesome is that?! Now imagine how awesome that was to an elementary schooler. Pretty friggen’ awesome, huh? I played that game relentlessly back in the day, and didn’t give up ‘til I was finally done. Bizarre game, confusing game, but one that left an impression.





When I bought a refurbished NES off eBay a few years back, which came with Mario/Duck Hunt and a Zapper of course, StarTropics and Shadowgate were the first two games I bought. For years I’d been dying to own them again, and thanks to the power of the internet I was finally able to complete StarTropics. Now that I know it I don’t think I’ll ever forget the code 747 for as long as I live. After thinking about it and typing this out I guess it’s a no brainer for me that that particular Christmas was my true “Start of the Affair”. These two not only opened me up to a wider range of games than I’d ever played, but they also were the first games I can remember being obsessed with completing. Plus, in the case of StarTropics, it also provided me with one of my favorite games of all time…

I downloaded the Virtual Console port of Splatterhouse the day it was available, played it for a bit and didn’t get too far before starting up something else and more or less forgetting about it completely. I came back to it for this month’s Educate Yourself, more determined to actually get somewhere with it. I didn’t think I was doing too bad, making my way through to the chainsaw boss before running out of lives. From there on out I pretty much started a process of beating a boss, getting a bit further, getting a game over and then starting it all over again, this time besting one more boss than the last time. It got to be challenging but never really unfair, y’know?





The levels themselves aren’t too terribly memorable, to me anyways, but a few of the boss fights tend to stand out… The chainsaw boss looked cool, fighting your demon possessed girlfriend was way easier than I thought it’d be, but my favorite boss was the haunted room. An entire room possessed by evil, you get attacked by various objects and pretty much just fight ‘em off ‘til they’re all gone. It took me a couple of tries to figure out a good pattern for my attacks (i.e.: where to stand}, but once I did figure something out it was all pretty easy. So I finished off the evil room and put down the controller to take a drink of my beverage of choice, only to have the damned chandelier fall on my head. It’s my own fault, I should’ve known better after that extra, final “fuck you” slug-thing leapt at me at the end of the first boss fight. Oh well, I was ready for it the next time and I hoofed it for the wall after I offed that possessed portrait. A random cool thing I noticed was after I killed one of those basic monsters in Stage III the first zombie wolf rushed out, but it stopped and starting eating the dead thing’s remains. I took a moment to chuckle, then walked up and kicked the wolf to death…





On one of my many last lives I got my ass kicked during my first try at Stage VI, the one with all of those bubbles floating around turning into little critters. Between GTA, Penny Arcade, and Memorial Day weekend I stopped playing for a week and a half or so before picking the WiiMote back up and giving Splatterhouse a go again. I got to stage VI’s boss, who was a bit of a disappointment by the way, having to just punch the shit out of it for a while, stopping only to avoid the same bubble-beasties from the rest of the level. Of course my lives/continues were low by then and I ended up getting offed by VII‘s boss‘s hands. So far I’m 0 for 2 with these Educate Yourself games, having used cheats last month and failing to actually complete this game this month. I do plan on finishing Splatterhouse however, but it’s the 31st so I figured I ought to through up a post for the “club”. I was also into the idea behind the Friday Night Fights session revolving around this, but my youngest bro had a tournament this weekend and I was at his game/out with relatives most of last night. Maybe next month, eh?





I’ve always seen images from the arcade version throughout the years, so I was kinda disappointed when I first downloaded Splatterhouse a while back to see that Rick had a (crappy) red mask instead of the Jason Voorhees style hockey mask. Curse you TurboGrafx-16, curse you. Even bigger disappointments were the rest of the graphical changes. Reduced gore, altered enemies, etc. I’ve seen videos of the original version and stuff like the inverted cross villain being switched to a random head, while it’s chapel/cathedral lair is stripped of anything that would let you know where it is you’re supposed to be fighting is all pretty lame. From what I’ve seen they left in the music and delay from after that particular fight, but cut out the little altar you stand before, which just leaves you standing there for no apparent reason. ‘Tis a shame… One actual gameplay nitpick I have is that whenever you go up/down a ladder, or walk into a new room you drop whatever weapon you’re carrying. I just wanna keep my plank of wood with me whenever possible, is that so wrong? I’ve also heard Cowzilla talk about the difficulty in pulling off the slide kick, and I’ve got to agree. I never really used it because it was pretty unreliable.

So to wrap this up, I had fun with this one but the total lack of any nostalgic connection on my end left me not feeling too strongly one way or the other about Splatterhouse. I do appreciate that a game like this came out way back in the ‘80s and was successful enough to spawn two sequels and a soon to come reboot. As far as I can remember there was nothing like this, violence-wise, out there at that particular time. Of course if there was I guarantee my mother kept it away from me… So yeah, I dug it, but I also kinda feel like if you strip away it‘s theme/schtick it‘d probably be a pretty forgettable beat ‘em up. I mean, nothing gameplay-wise actually sticks out, it‘s mainly the presentation/thematic elements/violence that seem to make this stand out. It’s, to me, kind of like Mortal Kombat in that way, except that while those games do hold some nostalgic value to me, having played ‘em at arcades/friends’ houses, I actually think Splatterhouse is the better game. It’s just that playing it for the first time only relatively recently it doesn’t feel like anything special to me. I’ll definitely be keeping tabs on the new version of Splatterhouse though,. Let’s see where it goes, eh?





Oh, and Jason would totally kick Rick’s ass, he doesn‘t have to worry about running out of continues…

Crackdown tried to ruin GTA for me. It hasn�t worked, but as I played Rockstar�s latest epic last night I couldn�t help but think of Crackdown. The first thing that got me was the blocking of the bridge. I couldn�t drive through due to cops, so I decided to go up to the pedestrian section and walk across, only to get an immediate five-star wanted level and be shot to death by a helicopter as I made a run for it. In Crackdown the whole city was your plaything from the getgo. Yeah, you couldn�t use the tunnels into the Volk and Shai Gen islands at first, but nothing was stopping you from using the bridges or swimming across to these areas. And once there, the tunnels from the Agency opened. You weren�t ever blocked off from just screwing around wherever you wanted.

So that�s my only real gameplay gripe regarding this. The other stuff is just in regards to my adjusting to being a mere average guy again. Running and driving around last night I found myself wishing I could just jump up the buildings and over to the tracks or bridges above. Games like Crackdown and Spider-man 2 have spoiled me with the ability to go from point A to point B quickly and, uh, vertically. I�m not a quick and agile bullet-sponge anymore, and that takes some getting used to again. Like I said, this bit�s not really a complaint so much as an observation that I�ve gotten quite used to being super-human in sandbox games while GTA was away, and couldn�t stop thinking about Crackdown last night.

But y�know where GTA outshines a game like Crackdown all the way? Variety. Yeah the islands in Crackdown were all different, but they were really all the same if you know what I mean. Not only that, but you spent the entire game doing the same thing, climbing and shooting. It was a whole lot of fun, and made for one of my favorite gaming experiences so far this generation, but I can admit it was all pretty shallow. GTA is a deeper pool, with more options as to what to do and how to do it, and I appreciate that.

So there it is, my obligatory ZOMG GTA IV IMPRESSIONS!!! post. It�s not much, but it�s what was on my mind, and I wouldn�t want to do too much work here at, uh, work�

So I was going to do this as a Gaming�s Guilty Pleasures C-blog, I�d actually been planning it for a week and a half or so. Then as I was typing this up I realized this wouldn�t fit the theme. This isn�t a �guilty� pleasure for me, it�s just a good old fashioned pleasure. So, instead of just scrapping it I figured I�d finish typing my thoughts and throw it up here. I mean, I already had some pictures ready, why waste �em, eh?




Pretty much any game in which I�m given the opportunity to be an asshole, I go for it. It�s always been that way. Be it as insignificant a choice as whether or not you�re going to leave that poor chicken alone, or a you�re-going-to-Hell-for-this-one move like murdering your blind sister, I usually go for the dick move.

I�m a nice enough guy in the real world, I�d never do half the things I do in video games if given the option in reality. That�s part of what makes games great. I�d never torture an animal, but that�s the first thing I do when I see a chicken in any given Zelda game. Run the little bastard into a corner and slash the bejeezus out of him. Playing the original Halo I�d gladly off the marines for their ammo. In Animal Crossing I roam around in a hockey mask and my custom made duds, sending threatening messages in little bottles to drift in the sea. In Hotel Dusk I got kicked out of the titular rat-trap by Dunning a few times in a row for talking shit to a little girl �til she started crying.

GTA 4 is out tomorrow, and I know I�ll be back in the swing of things, running over random passersby. Who here hasn�t hooked up in-game with a prostitute and immediately gotten a refund the easy, messy way? If you don�t run �em over as soon as they�re out of the car, you�re doing it wrong.




I remember the first time I used my powers for wrong. Way back in elementary school there was a computer game, either one of the Oregon Trails or another like it, I can�t recall the name. Anyways, you�d be able to trade with the natives for supplies in the game. I�d always lowball them, asking for a lot but offering very little in return. They�d usually decline, at which point I�d ask for a bit more and offer even less. They�d almost always accept, and I�d laugh my grade school ass off. I�d really find this hilarious. Who knows if it was poor programming or just developers with a sense of humor about taking advantage of indigenous people, but this crude computer game gave me the ability to be a dick, and I loved it.

Next came Zelda and the aforementioned cuccos. But Zelda was also my first experience with shoplifting in a game. Getting a five-finger discount from the shopkeeper in Link�s Awakening just felt great. Coming back later, to find the little guy pissed off was not so great�




RPGs are getting better and better at letting me be a jerk. From telling NPCs off in BioWare games, to killing everyone you meet in Oblivion and to a lesser extent Fable, it�s all good being bad. Even in other RPGs, where you really don�t have a choice in whether or not you go save that friend/lover/relative/ruler/homeland/etc, there�s usually somebody there to ask you to do so. I�m the guy that always has to say �No�. Sure, the dialogue often loops or you�re stuck wherever you�re at until you say yes, and I know that, but I have to decline if only to see what I can get for a reaction.




Fable may be more limited than some, but it�s still one of my favorites. You can do anything from give a kid the finger, to eat a �crunchy� chick, to commanding folks to follow you so you can sacrifice them at a demonic altar. It�s all degrees if dickishness. Helping folks, getting paid, then attacking them is a common practice. Fable punishes you though, making you bald and surrounded by flies. I can understand the bald thing, I mean we all know that good people have long hair, so it�s only fitting I guess that my character would lose all his hair, but why the flies? Don�t jerks bathe?

Cosmetics aside, the only problem with being a dickhead is that it makes a lot of games easier. It�s often easier to power up when playing the jerk, and it�s definitely easier not to care if civilians die. I actually went against my normal gameplan when I played BioShock last year, I let the Little Sisters live. I wanted to limit my ADAM and make the game more challenging, but I know I�d have had more fun the other way. Needless to say, if BioShock 2 has similar choices, those little girls are going down.
So there it is, my not so guilty pleasure. I love doing the wrong thing, it�s just more fun. I�m sure most of you can relate�

Original ad, circa 1986. It�s threat remains unfortunately accurate to this day.


I never played Kid Icarus back in the day. None of my friends or myself owned it, and I don�t recall ever seeing it at the video store, so it was never rented. As far as I can remember I�d never even heard of it or it�s sequel �til a couple years ago, via the internet. I downloaded the VC version specifically for Cowzilla�s Game of the Month club thing. My only prior experience in Angel Land was the ridiculously short demo in Smash Bros Brawl. I have no idea what the real purpose of that �masterpiece� demo is, the damn thing lasts like twenty seconds. That�s nowhere near enough time to get a taste of how much this game hates you.

Y�see, Kid Icarus is a difficult game, and after a few hours of failing the same level it stops being the fun kind of difficult. Had I rented this when I was little it would�ve been the kind of game my brothers and I would take turns dying on nonstop all weekend, then returned it. Completed or not, (most likely not), we�d probably never have rented it again.

It�s a platformer from Nintendo, so you�d think the controls would be near flawless, but they don�t feel up to snuff to me. Some jumps simply don�t feel right. The fact that instant death greets you when you inevitably fall off the screen to where you just came from isn�t helped by the iffy controls. Maybe that�s why I dig the side-scrolling stages more than the vertical ones�



Here's a pictoral summary of my overall game experience, followed by the longer, text-based version:








I beat the first level without much hassle, started playing the next and after dying a few times I quit for the night. I figured I�d come back rested and be all over it, boy was I wrong. It took me over an hour to finish level 2, and by that time I was too frustrated to go on to level 3. That�s when I decided I was going to take it slow so as to not get burned out on Kid Icarus. Playing it was starting to feel like a chore, so I figured I�d try rapping up a level a night from then on out. A few days and gameplay hours later, I still hadn�t bested level 3. I came close, so very close, but never quite made it to that exit.

I finally gave up and did a Google search for passwords, and proceeded to play through fully stocked with all the power-ups. This made muscling through the game a relative breeze, until my health started being whittled away and the power-ups went bye-bye. Still, via my ill-gotten �Sacred Words� I was able to eventually beat Medusa.

Kid Icarus really isn�t even that long of a game, it�s just time-consuming in it�s punishing difficulty. This is from a time when it was acceptable for a game to not offer enjoyment, but instead earn it�s worth through shear time consumption. Of course, some people found enjoyment in that, and still do. I�m not one of them. So maybe I just don�t get it, but I don�t see why Kid Icarus is supposedly such a beloved game. Yeah, it definitely has it�s moments, and given when it was released it had some innovations as well, but it really falls way too short for me and I doubt I�d have liked it back in the day.



So I didn�t like the game. Oh well. I still found some stuff to like as far as the enemies/characters go.




I�m not fond of that Reaper guy, but I love the face he makes when he spots me. I don�t know why, but I just dig seeing the Grim Reaper running around and squawking like a loon. His minions can rot in Hell though�





The Centurians are a very nice touch. You rescue these guys from their statue status with a smack from a mallet, and once you make it to the boss of any particular area the Centurians you rescued there will come into battle with you. They die relatively quick, but just having them there adds some desperately needed fun factor.





Snakes with wings, like mushrooms with feet, just make for great common enemies. Not as endearing as Goombas, but they�re freaking snakes with wings people, which makes �em way cooler.





The Eggplant Wizards are also a pretty cool enemy. They�re wizards with eggplants for heads, who turn you into an eggplant with legs. You can�t attack, all you can do is walk and jump. Sure it�s annoying as Hell, seeing as how you have to run back to a hospital room to get changed back to normal, but all is forgiven after realizing just how nuts of an idea the Wizards are.





If I hadn�t have paged through a PDF of the original manual I�d have never known what the Hell these enemies were supposed to be, let alone that they were topless. Here�s a game fit to fight against Nintendo�s kiddy/family image, what with it�s unrelenting difficulty and bare breasted beasties. I bet Itagaki was a Kid Icarus fan�




Alright, I'm done...

Here goes my non Turning Point rig, a Gateway something-or-other laptop I bought a couple years back when I got my first decent paying job. Just so's ya know, this is my sole computer, nothing else in my pad.



What's that? It's sure as Hell not my Turning Point rig, I can guarantee that!



That there on the TV is a very shitty flick called The Rage. It's not the Carrie sequel, it's some other movie about a killer virus/zombie-mutants. It sucks hard. I nabbed it just because of Andrew Divoff, but even the Wishmaster couldn't save this flick. AVOID IT...



Widdle Wade there would look pretty slick sitting next to that Turning Point computer, eh?




I actually wasn't going to do one of these, but as the deadline approaches I decided that I would like a shot at that groovy new computer. I mean, I've never actually owned a "gaming" computer. Growing up we had outdated shit, and now that I have a computer of my own it's only real uses are iTunes, the internet, and MS Word. So, when a chance at a no cost to me gaming rig comes along I'd have to be a schmuck to pass it up, right?