It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.
I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.
Anywise, this Orwellian zombot has spent some time watching the internet explode in an orgiastic rage ejaculation after Microsoft blubbered on and on about a black piece of plastic. They call it the Xbox One. They say it will redefine the Consumer Ripoff Process.
I have one.
It is black.
It is plastic.
It comes in a box.
Let's do some reviewing!
Black and green. That is the color scheme. It fits nicely in an oven. (I have no idea why you would want to cook it. Maybe warm chewy plastic is a human delicacy. Regardless, it fits perfectly in an oven.)
And it also fits in a drying machine. (Which is useful if you accidentally put it in the washing machine. Pro tip.)
THE LAUNCH LINEUP
The Xbox One will launch with just one game: Skies of Arcadia: Legends. Microsoft has also announced that there will be a TV series based on a green soldier. It will be directed by a human. That disgusts me.
Black and green. That is the color scheme. It says Xbox on the front and on the top, just in case you forget which black plastic videogame machine you are using.
It is white for some reason and doesn't even fit in the controller slot. Useless. I hope they fix that before launch.
THE WARM PULSING INNARDS
Finally! The part we've all been waiting for.
The intestines are somewhat disappointing. They are neither warm nor pulsing. They are mostly metal. Or plastic. I suppose they might taste a little more realistic if you put them in the oven. Good thing it fits.
It comes with a free keyboard. Just like the controller, the keyboard does not follow the black/green color scheme. And, again just like the controller, this also doesn't fit in the controller slot. C'mon, Microsoft.
There is no plugin, so I don't know how this is supposed to hook up to the Xbox One, but Microsoft is saying that the console will not function without being connected to the guitar at least once in each 24-hour period. Perhaps they communicate wirelessly or telepathically.
THE EXCLUSIVE SWIMMING TRUNKS DLC
A preorder will nab you one (1) pair of white swimming trunks. They match the controller and keyboard, but I think they should have stuck with the black/green motif.
Here's the full package, minus guitar peripheral.
Now, if you'll excuse me, the winter of our discontent is coming. (That is a DOUBLE literary reference. Eat SHIT, Hemingway, you simpering bastard!)